Things will get better... right?

I distinctly remember a day in... maybe February?  I remember the moment, but not what day it was. I was sitting at work thinking about plans for the next few days. I remembered thinking how content and even HAPPY I was feeling.

It was just after I joined planet fitness with Sue, and that was going well. My back was slowly improving (hurt it right before Christmas, pain got so bad that i passed out in my hallway one night at 3 am. That was,,, not fun... and rather expensive... but I won’t go any further off on a tangent about that now)

My brother in law went through what I’ll call school, for a couple of years, to further his career. It was hard on my sister, lots of random times needing me to stay over and babysit when their shifts overlapped. But “we” are done. He did the hard work of course, but achieved the goal.

This was “supposed to be” a year we did x, y, z.

I won’t trivialize the losses of so many families  by complaining about what the actual plans were.

It’s just that this year wasn’t supposed to be fear and worry and sadness. And I guess that’s why that one sunny afternoon sticks out in my mind.

I fight to stay hopeful, despite all of the arguments and just general “bad” going on.

This morning I got up early and was driving to me sisters to help again and was praying/ contemplating things and feeing like I really needed an encouraging sign. I looked to my left and saw the most beautiful sunrise; you can see it in my Instagram feed if you care to. I’ll take it. It shouldn’t have been so bright and pretty given how cloudy today is, so there’s that.

these same four walls

tap, tap... is this thing on?

I have worked from home since Friday, March 13th. Fell down into despair but I feel like I'm better now.

I work for a tech company now, they're pretty cool, I won't say more because I would like to remain gainfully employed, especially now.

I have been relatively unscathed by  ::: waves hand around:::  THIS.  I have a friend who lost her son. A coworker who lost his grandpa.   But... knock on wood.

The terror was fierce at first, because I have family who works in a hospital, in ICU, treating people, with this beast.  I mean, we're in NY.  "upstate" ... but  we've had to deal with "dirty rooms" and kids crying themselves to sleep at night (is daddy going to die before my birthday, that will stop you in your tracks  for days)  and dark conversations about worst case scenarios

but... knock on wood... I'm ok so far... so the guilt about bitching kicks in, BUT

I am *TIRED *

tired of grocery store mild anxiety attacks (thank you dear sweet baby Jesus, in all sincerity, for Instacart and Hello Fresh, they truly have saved my mind)

tired of staring at the walls of my family room ( I hid in my other "living room" all day on Mother's day)

tired of hunching over my not quite ergonomic desk (fuck my shoulder and neck muscles are so tight)

tired of not being able to randomly go browse Michael's for some cheap acrylic paint and a flimsy wood "thing" that I can spend the evening painting

(but oh sweet Pete I have spent so much money on Amazon. I basically bought a BOARD the other day. Yes, a fucking board that I can tape watercolor paper to... and it  may or may not warp, depending on which review you believe but FUCK IT I AM GOING TO WATERCOLOR PAINT.) 

I miss my stand up desk at work 

I miss my friends at work

... and leaving work and going to Planet Fitness (yes I finally joined a gym and so that's probably the disturbance in the world order that caused this shit, I'm so sorry. I have a very eerie photo of the nearly empty gym the last day I went there, a whole row of empty cardio machines)

I miss our family dinners on Sunday when my sister's husband would cook us a feast and leave me a giant mess I would happily clean. 

I miss blasting my sirius radio in my car on the way to and from work and pretending I can sing You Say like Lauren Daigle....

tired of groundhog day, knowing that I have to stay home for a while more (my employer is not eager to jeopardize us by opening up too soon )  and get up and brush my teeth and join the zoom meeting to show my boss I'm functional today,

so I stay, in these same four walls

Day 2/365

It's nice to get a ride to work in a heavy snowstorm; to keep your karma intact you must then shovel the sidewalk when you are first at the office. Pay it forward and so on.

Heyohhhhhhh

I know there may be only one or two people out there who will read this...but happy new year!

New year, reasonably healthy, job going fairly well, all in all things are good... I miss some of my friends I don't get to see anymore though.

Hopefully this year I get even more back on track...

Is google reader even still working?

I started this post with a title of "You say goodbye, I say hello", but that doesn't seem to work.  Maybe it does. Who knows? Quite honestly I'm not sure anyone will read this post. But if someone does...

I am well. I feel *healthy* again, which if I could post in screaming neon red blinking letters, I would. I more or less won a spot on a fitness challenge team and won a 1 year membership to planet fitness, and it has been fun hitting the weight room again. I did it more than a dozen years ago and liked it, until an unrelated accident made me stop for a while. :::Cough::: fifteen years :::cough:::
People at work are starting to notice that I'm doing "something" and that feels so nice. While the voice in my head says I don't do enough cardio,  reality and my children's sports schedules intervene, and my college roommate assures me that she is The Slowest Loser but it is still progress. And so I am happier with myself than I have been in a while and there are even days I almost don't even think about ever having cancer.

Time marches on for my poor sweet father in law who is sad and lonely. It breaks my heart. He's lost without his girl. He has been sick with one thing or another a couple of times lately, and my kids and I flinch nervously, and then he gets better. It's hard. Hard to figure out how to fill his time, where he should stay or go...

My job may or may not be around for much longer. My company is reorganizing. I will stay until they gently put me to the door, but during the transition my department could end up growing and not vaporizing. One never knows. I know in my heart that if I need to get another job it will fall in place in time. It always does. In the fall almost four years ago, I interviewed for a wonderful job that I would have been fabulous at... Until I got cancer. So I was secretly happy in the end, when I figured out that the job was never meant to be, because  I was destined to be a crazy little contractor because it would allow me to focus on just making it through my treatments and healing. And caring for my in-laws. And running away to Pittsburgh every now and then to kiss sweet baby faces.

Three things, which make me happy: those babies. My gardens. And photographing (those babies and my gardens in particular, but also my own kids who are growing up so quickly I can't even discuss it.)

The Emptiness

I was raised Lutheran, but stopped going to church as a result of some events that took place while I was in high school. Nothing sinister...didn't really involve me, but my parents stopped attending, and so did I. That was one of the unhappier times in my life, as I struggled with relationships all through college, and felt very much alone and confused at times.


When I met my husband one of the things I liked about him was that he attended church regularly. His mother was thrilled that I agreed to be married in the Catholic Church (actually, a pretty little chapel at his college.)


I wasn't ready to convert for a couple of years, but eventually an old Irish priest of the parish won me over. My mother in law was my sponsor. I have picture of myself from that day, standing with her. This was back In The Old Days of film, so when the picture was snapped I had a strange little smile, but we only took the one photo. You know how it is, with pictures of yourself...but I still have it.


I sang at her funeral. There is an arrangement of Hail Mary, Gentle Woman that I have always loved, and it meant quite a lot to me, to sing for her. My nephew joined me, along with a few members of the choir who joined in for the Gentle Woman part of the piece.


Last night I sang with Stanley and the rest of the choir at the Holy Thursday mass. After this mass, we will not sing a Gloria again until the Easter Vigil on Saturday night. I was so proud to see my son lead the altar servers, carrying the heaviest ornate cross that is only used on special occasions.

At the end of mass, the priest carries the Eucharist from the main tabernacle to a side altar of repose; for this occasion the side altar area is decorated with flowers and the tabernacle is covered by a beautiful canopy depicting Jesus risen again.


After mass, the main altar and the other side altar are stripped bare. My husband and my son help with that work. I came down from the choir loft and sat near the right side altar, waiting for them. I knelt in the pew and wished that I had learned from her the specific prayers that she might say if she were beside me. It saddens me that the old traditions are being lost and forgotten. We sing pieces that many Catholic churches don't do anymore. Old chant masses and Latin pieces... The music is sometimes crumbling in my fingers...yet those are my favorite ones to sing.


I looked around the church. It's a beautiful old European style, in the shape of a cross, with gorgeous stained windows and beautiful statues. It was growing silent, as most other parishioners left to go home. It was nearly completely dark. The windows were black in the absence of any daylight. The main altar was empty, and the tabernacle door open.


I was filled with a hollow sadness. I don't cry often when I think of Lucille, because she is now at peace, no longer weak and in pain, and we never had to put her in a nursing home, so I'm grateful for that. But this will be our first Easter without Nana.


My son came to me, and asked if I was going up to the altar. I took that to mean that he wanted me to go with him, so I said yes. There were flower pots holding varieties of spring bulbs that were arranged around the altar. As I knelt there, my tears flowed a bit more, and when I was about to stand, I noticed something.


Right next to me, there was one small pot of miniature daffodils, just like the ones that bloomed on my kitchen counter at the moment my mother in law died. They were in full bloom.


I believe that this is not just coincidence ... And that she is telling me she is alright, just as I had asked her to do shortly before she passed..


We can choose to see signs of hope all around us, or we can let the emptiness take over and weigh us down.

Me again

I have made giant steps in the last week or two toward becoming ME again and not That Girl with Cancer.

While I was enduring the MRI / biopsy endlessness I recently blogged, I also was coping/ denying reality by applying for a challenge program run by the American Heart Association, with fingers crossed.

My husband first told me about the program, and then my wonderful friend who went to my imaging appointments convinced me to go for it, and she helped me figure out how to answer the "why are you applying" section of the documentation.

It boils down to being passive /cooperative during cancer treatments, and NOW, taking back control of my life and health.

The day after I FINALLY got my biopsy results, I got a call that I had been selected, along with ten other women.

I went to a kickoff meeting this week, and definitely felt like I've made a couple of new friends. We shared our reasons for applying and laughed and cried and took "before" pictures together.

The other BC survivor came right over to hug me, and I think she's a sweetheart. She had talked about not knowing if you even HAVE a future, and how nice it is to have to figure out what to do with yourself now, with that future stretching out ahead of you.

One of the other women reminded us that there were many other people who applied and would love to be in our shoes, and we should be taking full advantage of everything available to us.

In addition to nutrition coaching and sessions with a personal trainer over the next ten weeks, I also won a year of membership at a local Planet Fitness gym.

Today I gathered up my courage, called ahead, and went to work out. It was hard to walk in alone and with almost zero self confidence, but the manager was there and she congratulated me, showed me around, and then left me to work out.

Years ago I went to a gym regularly, then quit when I nearly broke my ankle in a freak accident volunteering at a fundraiser. I had two kids under age four, and just lost my gym mojo after that.

But I do enjoy the gym environment, and I liked the way PF has a 30 minute circuit set up, and what seemed like an endless row of various cardio machines.

I walked and jogged a bit on a treadmill, and then did a quick set on everything in the circuit. Somewhere along the way as the sweat ran down my face I remembered what a challenger from last year said to this year's group: "I've never been happier."

It definitely rang true for me. For the entire time I worked out I wasn't the sick girl anymore, just me again.

I went to buy new sneakers to celebrate; my sneakers were new in 2006 when I ran my first 5k. The clerks at Fleet Feet had a gentle laugh at my "vintage " Mizuno sneakers (it was a "they don't even make this model anymore..." type of schtick)

For now... I'm exhausted. Goodnight!