Left foot left foot left foot right

Yesterday I inadvertently told an old friend of mine in a rather offhanded way that a mutual acquaintance of ours had died.

I was standing there waiting for a really crappy sandwich to be "made to order" (they always get at least one thing wrong; yesterday she slapped this big gross pickle on my plate and I never, ever eat those things-- she always asks "Dill or sweet" and I say "no pickle" and she says "No pickle??" like I'm asking for dry coffee mixed into curdled milk. Dammit.)

Anyway. Back to me putting my foot in my mouth.

M walked up and said hello. I said hi and gee, I'm sorry to hear about your friend, your employee. (About a month ago one of her staff died very suddenly and I haven't seen her since then.) She said "Yes, HR told me it was a terrible week, there were four employees that died right around the same time."

So then I said "oh, I know, I was just talking to XYZ the day he died. It was so sad." Then I noticed the blink, the double take.

Crap.

Crap.

Who knows

I have a widget on my google desktop that counts the days until whatever event you are tracking. I had it set for the 5K on may 31st...31 days from now. The only trouble is, I haven't run. At all. In months.

So I'm giving up on that. I'm discouraged. This month has really kicked my ass, and I just can't see myself running through that park in 4 1/2 weeks. It's kind of hard to believe I managed to do it last year.

There is so much stuff going on at school with staffing cuts and people handling things the way human beings with emotions tend to handle those situations. People reacting to things that maybe in their heart of hearts, they knew on some level, would probably have to happen someday... but still stunned and waffling between frustration and sadness and thoughts about the future.

It's hard to watch, because I still don't know about MY job. And after a meeting yesterday, I don't know what I want anymore. I felt so TOTALLY out of synch with one of the people I was meeting with. I felt like anything I said, she just blinked and moved on with her train of thought. It was draining. I can't do my job if no one will let me. But I need my job.