Hush, little baby

(Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/olivestar/1414513431/ because I can't remember what part of the HTML to change...)

I've decided to quit my work in the NICU. Unfortunately it's primarily a victim of "No Time Carly". (Now I know, you're thinking, Girl, you have plenty of time to blog....)

The toughest part has always been getting to the hospital on time during rush hour on a school day. I have to get the kids home first, get them something for dinner (and, optionally, ME, although eating something that doesn't involve a fast food burger in my car was a lofty ideal that I never attained...) Add to that the fact that I never made it in for my annual "physical" this summer, which is nothing more than a TB test and a cursory once-over, but a rule for all volunteers nevertheless. Technically at this point I am no longer allowed to set foot in the NICU. (So I won't, just to be clear.)

I think another factor is that I did feel a little unprepared for what I was doing. Not the scrapbooking mechanics, but dealing with Moms who had a baby in NICU. There are so many little words that crop up that I never really understood all of, having no medical background. NEC, MRSA, ROP. I haven't been through the experience myself so I didn't have that common ground where I understood what it was that was wrong with their child (even to know whether it was a minor hurdle or a major setback) much less be able to relate to how it feels to hear the news. I don't have any counseling experience or training and so all I could do is listen to the conversations at the scrapbook table, and feel hopelessly unhelpful in the larger picture. I didn't feel like the results I was getting were matching what I was aiming for. It's hard to explain. Although everyone there was wonderful to me, I didn't really feel like I was helping enough to justify the headache it caused me on the flip side, at home.

I'm a little sad about this, because I made a friend who I now won't see as regularly... but we are going to go try to catch up to Duff, that Ace of Cakes guy, soon. But I'm not completely out of the picture, because there is this other project that fits more into my "whenever I can squeeze in a few minutes" dynamic.

My sister makes books... very delicate, ethereal books that are set aside for when a baby passes away. They are fairies and soft colors and flowers and natural elements. The baby's footprints and handprints and a lock of hair are added to the book, along with pictures of the infant and notes from the staff who have cared for the child, and the book is given to the family. Often it is unofficially claimed by an older sibling, as part of the healing process.

I'll be helping her to make those. Obviously it's not something I can slap together at the kitchen table while I keep an eye on the macaroni and cheese, it's something that requires a little bit of time set aside and it can be a bit heavy emotionally. But if I can even make a few over the course of the next year, I will still feel like I'm contributing to something I believe in.