More learning fair fun

So, tonight I realized we will have to help my son make this for his learning fair project, within the next 2 weeks....

you people know how I feel about this being the PARENTS' arts & crafts night, right?

...using, of course, products* that COME FROM a rain forest.

Yeah. I'll just carve it out of mahogany.


* black pepper, vanilla, nutmeg, paprika, coffee, raffia, brazil nuts, rubber, burlap, raimie, bananas, oranges, pineapples, coconuts, golf ball covers (seriously, it's on the list from the teacher), and other various things I'm too tired to type that one can not possibly make a really big bug from.

too cold...

Dear Mother Nature,

whatever I did, I'm sorry.

Please, forgive me and turn the heat back on.

Please?

Inappropriate things that make me laugh

Well... it just does.

It's Dick Cheney, of course.

More here:

No Question

Today at lunch my coworker asked me "if you could have ALL of the money you'd ever spent / will spend on your children, instead of having them, would you still do it all again and have kids, or take the money?"

Now, if you don't know him, let me explain a few things.

• He's 30-something and just got engaged.
• He likes to spark a lively lunch conversation by starting a debate, and will sometimes take a platform and stick with it just because it makes someone else at the table crazy. For this and many other reasons we occasionally refer to him as the punk.
• He's sort of my boss. Ahem. So by that I mean, of course, that he's a very, very intelligent punk.

Moving on...

K is apparently(or, more likely, was pretending to be) pondering the topic of whether to foist his offspring on the unsuspecting world. His entertainment platform today was "Aren't kids really just a headache every day, and a waste of a ton of money, and would you really do it all again?"

I had to concede that "Don't you think some people just have kids because they've reach a certain age and think they're supposed to, and they don't really want them?" was a valid question. (Even though he said he talked his sister out of having kids, with that argument, and we all laughed at him ) Yes, I do think it's true. Some people figure "it's time" and so they do, and have at least one moment of "oh my god, what have I done?"

That being said, I do have the experience of wanting to have a child, and having a spouse not be so sure, but turn out to be very happy to have kids. (As far as I know!) Sometimes, it is just fear of the unknown. An "I've never been around kids and I don't know what to do with them and ugh, there are DIAPERS and stuff and I'm afraid I won't be a good parent and I'll do something like drop the baby." Somewhere along the line some of those people discover they really can change a diaper without retching. Much.

There are also plenty of people I know who DON'T want children, not because they're afraid or squeamish, they just don't. I don't pity them, nor do I envy them. It's their choice, and as long as their spouse agrees, not my business. But you really need to lay ALL of that out on the table with one another before wedding invitations go out. I can't say a whole lot about this, because, obviously, HELLO, I didn't feel that way. But the people I do know, who don't want children, all seem perfectly content with their decision.

Another one of K's thoughtful remarks was "What if he sucks at sports? I wouldn't want my kid to be a loser. What if I had a kid and he's a loser like I was when I was in school?" Really, he's good, because he's completely bullshitting but can ask questions like this with a straight face. It's a gem of a question though. It almost made him sound sincere. I wonder if every parent secretly worries that their kid won't be good enough somehow, and that it's really just our own fault.

And since there were three parents (with eight kids in total) sitting across the table from him, we played along. Saying things like, yes, spending almost $1000 a month on groceries does suck because you could play poker every night with that much money. Things like "Yes, there will be things your kids suck at, because that's life, but generally you don't think your own kid is a loser, it's fun to watch them and you're proud of them for trying; and anyway your job as a parent is to help them try OTHER things and hopefully find something they don't suck at..."

To the original question, I would absolutely, without hesitation, have children again. Even though my kids bounced off each other like pingpong balls in the supermarket today putting everything imaginable in the cart, and left crap everywhere all over the house and forgot to bring in the garbage cans and didn't do their homework until I asked 3x, and my son swallowed gum, and my daughter's teeth are just... well, all effed up and it will cost me untold dollars to yank out the baby teeth that refuse to fall out and straighten the others as they reluctantly grow in.

They're MY pingpong balls. Ever since I got them, I haven't been able to imagine not having these little people in my life. You just never really understand that, until you feel it.

Besides, they look pretty darn cute in our Christmas card.

Countdown

Quick name a tv "event" that you wait all year for. For some people, it's Superbowl Sunday.

For me, it's the Oscars. The film industry's big night. The gold dude. (Dude! My friend laughs at me whenever I say Dude so now I say it all the time because it's so stooopid. Dude!)

It's not about the MOVIES. Movies? I haven't seen most (any?) of the movies.

It's about the clothes. What I wouldn't give to be right there, on my very own little chunk of tapis rouge. I care more about what Reese will wear this time, than whether she gets a little trophy.

One week from now I will be READY, my friends, to watch the pre-shows and the arrivals. My daughter will be right by my side. We'll buy the People magazine and hide it from each other for days as we re-hash who looked Best and Worst.

Don't even get me started about the Worst outfits. Those are even more fun than seeing 1,000 crazy Italians doing the Y-M-C-A. (What the hell??)

Some people see a robin, and they celebrate that as a first sign of spring. Me, I see a Calvin Klein or Vera Wang, and I know warmer dayas are FINALLY coming.

Another FFF

Flash Fiction Friday is a writing project - JJ over at Purgatorian gives us a starting phrase, and we write from there. I do not always write fiction - sometimes, it's a starting point for a story about something that DID happen to me, that I wanted to write about, and just didn't have that first phrase to get me off and running. So the text in bold below is the "starter" he gave us this Friday. But this is not fiction.

***

Remember? How could I forget? I recall it specifically because the man stood there tring not to cry in front of me, and I felt like an insensitive fool.

Last spring I completely fumbled a moment where I could have been more supportive. After many months, I got a chance to go back and fix it a little, but not enough.

I've gotten to know L. a bit better, because our kids have become good friends. My daughter and I invited her friend to do some scrapbooking with us yesterday. They're in 5th grade now, both having repeated a grade. In Kindergarten this little girl's mother died.

***

Think about that. Stop and think.

You're a little girl in Kindergarten and your mother dies.

Six years later, you can recite the exact date she died, of course.

You go to scrapbook with a friend of yours and her goofy mother and you have a new album, and a few pictures of yourself.

You want to make a page about your mother's death, but you don't have a picture of yourself with her. You just don't have one. You have one of her and a baby, but that baby looks like your brother, not you.

You just don't have one.

It breaks the goofy lady's heart. Because you're sweet, and cute, and you just want to make a scrapbook page with you and your Mom on it, and all she can do is give you some paper and say "...write, honey. Write down anything that you want that you remember about your Mom- what she liked and what she was good at." And she knows that's not enough, but it's all she can think of to say, because now she is the one trying not to cry.

***

Maybe it's better that I didn't know her mom. I can try to help the daughter, just one tiny bit, without my own sadness over missing her mom standing in my way.

When I talked to her Dad later, I told him that she wanted to do a special page and what it was about. This time, I at least knew her Mom's name. I hope that I made up for that awkward moment last year just a little bit; I really hope so.

He said that he probably DOES have a picture of them together, of course, and that he'll look.

It made me think about the times that I've said "No, don't take my picture, my hair is a mess" or "I'm fat" or "I have my glasses on" or "I don't have any makeup."

Don't do that. Don't be one of those people, who refuses to have their picture taken. People who love you just want a photo of you as you are. Not the hollywood version of you, the "someday I'll be thinner, with whiter teeth and a better nose and perfect hair...", but the YOU of you, so that they can keep that if they lose you.

The real you. The one they will remember. How could they forget?

Being 40

Pretty pictures of fabulous fourty year olds. Moi not included. Let's play "guess who has had the most plastic surgery?" (My vote, clearly Demi.)

It's cold. As far as I know, I did NOT win 200 million tonight. Damn.

I'm in trouble

Sarah Lee Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream by Breyer's. It even has graham cracker crumb swirls. Damn.

(portion control... portion control...portion control... portion control... damn...)

I never would have thought that one DVR that can record two things at once would not be enough. Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, seeing who got their sorry butts kicked off Idol, AND the ladies' skating on the Olympics. All on at once. Bah!

I settled on Survivor and DWTS. Got home in time to see the last two Idol wannabees sing & cry. Sorry, buh bye. Skating is on now, but I've lost interest.

A scanning I will go

I am always happy when I find an old picture like this. I love the clothes, and I love it when I know something about the people and what they were like.

The bride in this photo was the sweetest, most adorable lady you could ever know. She only passed away about a year ago, and the moment I saw this photo I knew it was her. It's interesting to me that I only knew her when she was much, much older, yet recognized her "young" photo instantly.

Trivia: see the man at the right ?(Larry, the best man...) In 1990, Mr. Carly and I went to Buffalo to see him and his wife, their son, & their grandaughter, who is my age. We had a car accident on the way to a BBQ that was being hosted by the son. In the confusion at the ER, medical staff somehow thought that I was Larry's wife(he was 60+ at the time), and Mr. Carly was married to Larry's granddaughter. Not exactly right. It didn't help that we all had exactly the same last name. I was just happy that EVERYONE's x-rays came out fine.

Help! There's a dog on my face

It's amazing how often daytime television can be unintentionally funny. Just this morning I was relaxing under the covers and clicking through some TV when I came across an info-mercial for some makeup "created" by Lauren Hutton. For only $30 I can get a sample "Face Disc Plus" with a thirty day money-back guarantee! Hey wow. (Of course, then I'll get myself in a makeup club where $40 packages keep coming every time I turn around...hmmm... why aren't they mentioning that?)

I kid you not, one of the sections in the Face Disc Plus is called "pooch & nose". Hmm. Never knew I had a pooch on my face! I thought maybe I'd misheard my girl Lauren so I got up and actually checked the webpage (blocked that cookie right away, let me tell you... )

But you know Lauren has a sense of humor... right there on her webpage is a link named Strange Stuff . Plenty of clever captions like "A Girl's Got to Look Good Anywhere" ("After being in the bush for weeks, I have to touch up. I can’t meet the other campers looking like a warrior!")

You know I have that problem all the time, I meet other campers and they say "Geez Carly, you look like a warrior! Go cover up your pooch!" Uh huh.

Learning Fairs R Edukeshunal

I now know more about Vermont than I ever cared to know. No offense, really, it's lovely and I've enjoyed the few visits there, but...

when a parent has to spend HOURS helping a child on their 'learning fair' project, when said parent really would rather be re-watching her LOST season 1 DVD's (because it was so much better then...) she gets cranky.

I can't wait to see what all of the other mommies have done.

More vintage goodness

I got my hands on a small but fantastic pile of old pictures yesterday. They belong to my mother and father in law - pictures of them with various family members who are all gone now... the best ones are:

• wedding picture of Aunt Joan, who was killed with her husband in a car accident on their anniversary, only a couple of years after they were married
• picture of my father in law as a tiny baby, sitting in his grandmother's lap, with his mom standing nearby
• pictures of FIL's dad, who I have never seen in photos before as he has been gone many years
• picture of my father in law sitting on a library table, which I currently have standing in my living room (the table, not the picture... he was about two when it was taken)
• picture of Uncle Larry, Aunt Fran, and Bobby taken 40 years ago.
• Wedding photo of H & N who were first cousins of my father in law and this will absolutely FLIP their two grandaughters out if they've never seen it.

So, this is good because I needed more projects. I've been bored lately, nothing much to do. hahaha.

Once I get started on scanning I will post a couple. My plan is to scan everything and make 3 cd's one for each of the 3 brothers. Then the other two brothers can print whatever they'd like, and I'll make some copies for my own use. The originals will go in an album for my inlaws.

Bits

Randomized -

• A local politician, speaking of the massive power outage in upstate NY (which I was spared, because I am just a skooootch outside the area), "We have legislation introduced to incentivize the insurance companies to encourage homeowners to have generators..." - man, I hate it when people make up words, but this is classic politicianspeak.
• I played basketball with my son today.... for TWO HOURS... he is so cute, but pulled me aside to say "Mom, if a guy is bigger than you don't try to shoot the basketball over his hands. Pass it to a team member." So my eight year old is smarter than me.
• I fell on my face, but only once. I actually made baskets. This is a nearly Olympian achievement, if you know me.
• My tree didn't break, it pulled up out of the ground when it fell over. Damned if I don't want to just prop it back up and put lots of dirt over the roots. It wouldn't work, right? It's only fourty feet tall.... just logistical issues.
• For dinner I made steak, baked potatoes, and caesar salad. My children ate almost nothing, except the accompanying bread. I give up. I am tired of saying, "EAT some of your dinner." Fine. Live on Oreo's. Mommy's tired.
• I had a nice chianti, but no fava beans. Rocca delle Macie 2003. Lovely. -->
• Mommy is tired because Mommy's neighbor called at 7:45 this morning to say "oh my god, there is a tree down in your yard!!" Said neighbor's husband was out walking their dog while I was taking the photos I blogged. Talk to each other, people, and don't wake me up so damn early!!
• I like lists... have you ever noticed?

'night!

A Little Red Boat at the Olympics

Really... I'm done posting now (too much soda today) . It's cold, the wind is blowing at insane rates, and so I didn't go out and I'm bored as hell...

but this was pretty funny.

G'night all... happy weekend... I don't have to work for the next FIVE days. So, I will dust off my vacation to-do list since, well, I "to-didn't" half of the list.

That gray-haired dude

...who sings the blues on American Idol is named Taylor Hicks, and you can download 3 songs here .

(text copied from above site...)
Described as a soul singer, Taylor Hicks is known for setting "soul fires" from panhandle Florida honkey-tonks to the modern day chitlin-circuit of the old South. He's entertained with high profile artists such as James Brown, Tom Petty, Jackson Browne, Drive by Truckers, and Robert Randolph. Taylor is currently collaborating with contemporary blues legend Keb Mo.


Pop Candy says, "Michael McDonald, meet your beardless rival."

My daughter hates him. I like him, but he's probably toast in a week or two now that everyone can start voting on Idol. Which of course, is better for him as an artist. Now he's got some exposure, but he won't be locked into a crappy contract (Exhibit A: Kelly Clarkson's first album)

Crap

It used to look like this:

We had extreme winds today (60 mph +). Now it looks like this:



Damn. It was my favorite tree in my yard. Ok, it was pretty much the ONLY tree actually IN my yard thanks to a certain Mr. C.


Dammit.

Mehh...

"How was school, honey?"
"Mehhh... fine."
"Was (bitch) picking on you today?"
"No, she was nice to me."

What-ever. (but, phew... for today at least...!)

***

I walked into the bathroom today at work and a woman I know (but not THAT well, thanks) was standing in front of the sink holding her pants.

Yikes.

Now (because a stupid boy that I told this story to already asked) I should probably point out she had some sort of button-down shirt on that extended down over all her "Lovely Lady Lumps", as Fergie is wont to call them. So no, I don't know if she was wearing underwear and thankssomuch for inflicting that question on me!

She was sewing something that had torn... pocket, button, my retinas, I dunno. She started telling me something about the pocket and then she started putting on the pants. I was mortified, turned away with a "Um, well, yeah, hope you get that fixed, byenow."

When I told this to my teammates on our way back from lunch, one of them had a story that makes mine pale in comparison.

He recently walked into the men's bathroom one day just before 5 pm. Some dude he doesn't know was standing in front of the full length mirror, pants somewhere around his ankles, feet slightly apart (I believe he described it as "shooter's stance" but I was trying not to choke on the piece of gum I had) "Dude" was clearly barebutt and also had his hands somewhere near the goodies.

If you are reading this now and saying "SO?", let me give you some advice.

Do

NOT

do

things

like

this

at

your

office!!

For the record, my friend laughed at the guy, who apparently didn't notice because he was... inspecting some things.

I work with freaks.

And I already said I'd never homeschool...

I just spent 20 minutes listening to my daughter sob about the little bitch at school who calls her a dork and tries to get all the other kids to ignore her. Hugging her and trying to tell her that she has to just keep being who she is, and she really does have friends, she just has to learn how to ignore the bullies without antagonizing them further.

(she's gone to get a haircut with the Mr. now....)

Why are eleven year olds so mean? Because she doesn't have an effing iPod? Because she doesn't get on the computer and IM with them? Fuck.

The worst part is, I've been there. I remember all too well what it felt like to wear K-mart sneakers 30 years ago before anyone had ever heard of Martha Stewart or Jaclyn Smith. I was loser geek extraordinaire.

My heart, it breaks.

Highlights?

Fun stuff today...

• telling a client 3x, "you need a database which will blah blah blah" and have her reply "Oh no, we don't need a database" every time, to which I patiently replied "yes, actually you do, because blah blah blah". When my coworker was included in a conference call today, he said "we can build you a database that will blah blah blah." (saying exactly what I said) ...and the client replied "Oh, that would be great!"
• having Sue call me to report the current events. TV coverage of a standoff, after someone messed up committing an armed robbery ... of a dollar store... it made me feel just a little less stupid... "I'm going to be a hundred-aire, dude!"
• sitting in dentist's chair repeating "of course, I always floss" for the 80th time in my life. In the next room a hygenist is cheerfully asking another victim if they "floss MORE or LESS since your last visit?" Hell is certainly filled with little picks and scrapers.
• explaining carefully to my daughter that "NO, you don't use an electric razor on your eyebrows, even though you do look like Brooke Shields" and knowing that someday she is going to do that anyway.

At last

...the Trifecta is over.

You know... Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's day. The three-pronged fork through the guts of many "singles".

It's not bad enough that there's nothing under the tree for you to shake, and no one to clink glasses with and smooch at 12, no, NO! You have to be REMINDED one last time, in the coldest, crappiest part of winter. No jewelry or overpriced roses for you. (Sue buys her own jewelry - GO SUE!!!)

Even though I'm NOT single, it still can be just a damn annoying day for me. (It's the anniversary of the very first episode of my heart going "boomboomboom" in overdrive. That's the only one of my reasons that I'm willing to share.)

I think the only one who likes it is Waiter.

Frankly, next year (assuming Lottery-winning happens before then) Sue and I are off to Vegas on... (looking at calendar)... February 9th. We'll stay a week, maybe two. Trip new brides while the groom isn't looking, and stuff. You know?

Anyone care to join us? Couples strictly not allowed.