Things will get better... right?

I distinctly remember a day in... maybe February?  I remember the moment, but not what day it was. I was sitting at work thinking about plans for the next few days. I remembered thinking how content and even HAPPY I was feeling.

It was just after I joined planet fitness with Sue, and that was going well. My back was slowly improving (hurt it right before Christmas, pain got so bad that i passed out in my hallway one night at 3 am. That was,,, not fun... and rather expensive... but I won’t go any further off on a tangent about that now)

My brother in law went through what I’ll call school, for a couple of years, to further his career. It was hard on my sister, lots of random times needing me to stay over and babysit when their shifts overlapped. But “we” are done. He did the hard work of course, but achieved the goal.

This was “supposed to be” a year we did x, y, z.

I won’t trivialize the losses of so many families  by complaining about what the actual plans were.

It’s just that this year wasn’t supposed to be fear and worry and sadness. And I guess that’s why that one sunny afternoon sticks out in my mind.

I fight to stay hopeful, despite all of the arguments and just general “bad” going on.

This morning I got up early and was driving to me sisters to help again and was praying/ contemplating things and feeing like I really needed an encouraging sign. I looked to my left and saw the most beautiful sunrise; you can see it in my Instagram feed if you care to. I’ll take it. It shouldn’t have been so bright and pretty given how cloudy today is, so there’s that.

these same four walls

tap, tap... is this thing on?

I have worked from home since Friday, March 13th. Fell down into despair but I feel like I'm better now.

I work for a tech company now, they're pretty cool, I won't say more because I would like to remain gainfully employed, especially now.

I have been relatively unscathed by  ::: waves hand around:::  THIS.  I have a friend who lost her son. A coworker who lost his grandpa.   But... knock on wood.

The terror was fierce at first, because I have family who works in a hospital, in ICU, treating people, with this beast.  I mean, we're in NY.  "upstate" ... but  we've had to deal with "dirty rooms" and kids crying themselves to sleep at night (is daddy going to die before my birthday, that will stop you in your tracks  for days)  and dark conversations about worst case scenarios

but... knock on wood... I'm ok so far... so the guilt about bitching kicks in, BUT

I am *TIRED *

tired of grocery store mild anxiety attacks (thank you dear sweet baby Jesus, in all sincerity, for Instacart and Hello Fresh, they truly have saved my mind)

tired of staring at the walls of my family room ( I hid in my other "living room" all day on Mother's day)

tired of hunching over my not quite ergonomic desk (fuck my shoulder and neck muscles are so tight)

tired of not being able to randomly go browse Michael's for some cheap acrylic paint and a flimsy wood "thing" that I can spend the evening painting

(but oh sweet Pete I have spent so much money on Amazon. I basically bought a BOARD the other day. Yes, a fucking board that I can tape watercolor paper to... and it  may or may not warp, depending on which review you believe but FUCK IT I AM GOING TO WATERCOLOR PAINT.) 

I miss my stand up desk at work 

I miss my friends at work

... and leaving work and going to Planet Fitness (yes I finally joined a gym and so that's probably the disturbance in the world order that caused this shit, I'm so sorry. I have a very eerie photo of the nearly empty gym the last day I went there, a whole row of empty cardio machines)

I miss our family dinners on Sunday when my sister's husband would cook us a feast and leave me a giant mess I would happily clean. 

I miss blasting my sirius radio in my car on the way to and from work and pretending I can sing You Say like Lauren Daigle....

tired of groundhog day, knowing that I have to stay home for a while more (my employer is not eager to jeopardize us by opening up too soon )  and get up and brush my teeth and join the zoom meeting to show my boss I'm functional today,

so I stay, in these same four walls