As if I don't have anything else to do

The fish saga continues. No, he didn't die (even though I figured out that "Ted" was named after Ted's Fish Fry that we used to go to - not funny, that Mr. Carly).

Yesterday I went to PetCo. The young woman there who "helped" us answered most of my questions by paraphrasing "I dunno". Do we need a filter? Welll, probably not. Should I put something in the water? Oh, I don't think you need to do that. I wanted to dunk her in the tank to wake her up.

She was pretty blunt about Ted being on his deathbed. Way to be nice to a ten year old kid, beeyatch. He came home and put his head down on the table and cried. "He never even made it into my room." (Ted's been on the kitchen table.)

So while we were at the store we bought Finn, to make up for what we thought would soon be an empty tank. Yes, not being content to cause the impending demise of one, we brought home a second victim. Kid decided that all Ted needed was a friend.

We dumped in Finn and his water (OMG, the water went in the tank and FINN STAYED IN THE BAG. I HAD TO SHAKE THE POOR LITTLE BASTARD OUT.) Then we moved the tank onto Kid's dresser.

I'm thinking the 1" of foam on the surface today is either medicine that was in Finn's water, or they're getting a little too much light even though the shades are down, or... I don't even know what... but Ted is looking pretty damn good this morning. Swimming around midheight in the aquarium. WTF? I am soooo bad at this!

Kid is convinced it's an easter miracle. I'm not sure God listens to prayers about goldfish. Does he? is that the problem? Kids with sickly fish are jamming up the lines? We could have whirled peas if we all stopped buying goldfish???

This Fish

So in lieu of an actual status report, I will provide an update via song, with apologies to Faith and all of the songwriters in the world who posess actual talent at writing lyrics...

This Fish (tune from This Kiss, as recorded by Faith Hill)

(v1)
I don’t want another headache
I don’t need another kid to cry
I don’t want to learn the hard way
Poor fish: oh, no, goodbye

Tries to swim up to the surface
Sinks right back down the bowl!

(chorus)
It’s the way he's floating
He's flopped over like THIS
It’s the lack of motion
It’s a sickly fish
It’s that pivotal moment
It’s impossible
This fish, this fish (so flushable)
This fish this fish

(v2)
Ariel said to Nemo
How do fish die overnight?
All I wanted was a goldfish
With a small bowl, air pump, fake plants

Drive me off to the pet store
Mommy has to buy some more...

(repeat chorus)

You can feed him in the daylight
(But not too much or he will die)
You can feed him in the nighttime
(Not too much or he will die)
Feed him in sweet slow motion
Smelly flakes fall from the sky

The Fish is floating, you overfed him!

(repeat chorus)
This fish, this fish (it's criminal)
This fish, this fish....

My kid's $50 free fish

And yes I did use distilled spring water, Pol.

When we put him in here and turned on the light he freaked out a little. I gave him some food and said Good Luck.

This morning he's still hiding most of the time.

Now I'm going to have to get him some friends, I suppose
Carly(via Blackberry)

I give him a week

So the cherry on top is that some teacher gave my kid a FISH.

In a bag.

I was at choir, trying not to smite my nemesis, who frankly sounds a wee bit like Kermit the Frog. (We are in church. Think Kumbaya, Carly.) I came home from a LONG rehearsal, and found Squirt. Oy. He already has a name. Dead fish swimming, folks. The name ain't gonna help.

The fish can't stay in the bag. (I assume.)

I don't have a fish bowl. I have various bowls that I don't think would work. I have no fish FOOD. I have no fish-pertise in any form.

I wanted to dump him into this big glass candleholder that was vaguely fishbowl shaped but, I could not figure out if I could just POUR the whole bag in. It seemed like I would end up bonking his poor little fish head on the glass, no matter how gently I pour.

While the stupid boys of the household who brought this to my home fish are off to Walmart, I have the bowl in a dish, but I just went over to check on it and he was kind of stuck in a corner. Great. So I have a fish that wants to be sushi.

Coincidentally (or perhaps not) he freaks out whenever I go over and peer at the bag to see if he's gotten stuck in another corner again.

Poor Squirt.

And no, I haven't had any wine yet. I have to deal with the fish first.