Who knows

I have a widget on my google desktop that counts the days until whatever event you are tracking. I had it set for the 5K on may 31st...31 days from now. The only trouble is, I haven't run. At all. In months.

So I'm giving up on that. I'm discouraged. This month has really kicked my ass, and I just can't see myself running through that park in 4 1/2 weeks. It's kind of hard to believe I managed to do it last year.

There is so much stuff going on at school with staffing cuts and people handling things the way human beings with emotions tend to handle those situations. People reacting to things that maybe in their heart of hearts, they knew on some level, would probably have to happen someday... but still stunned and waffling between frustration and sadness and thoughts about the future.

It's hard to watch, because I still don't know about MY job. And after a meeting yesterday, I don't know what I want anymore. I felt so TOTALLY out of synch with one of the people I was meeting with. I felt like anything I said, she just blinked and moved on with her train of thought. It was draining. I can't do my job if no one will let me. But I need my job.

Bad haiku

At the baseball game
Freezing despite the blankets
Damn metal bleachers

Carly(via Blackberry)

Not necessarily news

Catching up on some celebrity "news"...

This article speaks disapprovingly of Katie Holmes and Posh dining out and that they

shared a green salad sans dressing, one piece of fish and one side of steamed spinach. They also ordered one regular Coke and two glasses of ice.

This is bad? Caesar dressing is loaded with calories. They probably got oil and vinegar. I've seen fish on restaurant plates that I would cut into THIRDS, not even just in half. Steamed spinach is healthy, and there was probably the equivalent of a box of frozen spinach in that "side dish". People. Seriously. If they'd shared ONLY the salad, I might raise an eyebrow. Going out to eat with a friend and splitting meals is a good thing. Just as Hungry Girl - who, by the way, has a new book out. She is all about splitting meals and making healthier substitutions.

Yes, Katie is tall and lean - she runs marathons. She's young. Deal with it. As for Posh, those ta-tas really bother me, but if she wants to knife up, that's her business. She is out in Plastic Surgery Cult city, after all. Do we really NEED to criticize how these women eat in a restaurant?

Then we have another article which I found very insightful. I completely agree with McNamara's assertion that Miley is a living, breathing Disney princess.

It's their classic formula, complete with an idealized father figure and (apparently) absent mother. Remove the parent(s), make the princess vulnerable. Ever notice that about Disney movies? It's been that way since I was in college. When I see the Vanity Fair photos, I see a young female who looks as though she's been assaulted. The messed hair, the smeared eye makeup. Not cool. Not a "beautiful image" or whatever expression they tried to use in defense.

This is why I don't read the news very often.

Blue

Technically not illegal

#1.
The other day as I was leaving work Suzy called me.

I was being a good citizen of our fair state and grabbed my hands free headset and we chatted for a while. Suddenly I noticed her, two cars ahead of me.

We drove side by side for a while, laughing about how that very though would make our mother start gnawing her thumbnail.

I decided to take her picture and in so doing, swerved just a LITTLE bit into her lane.

Luckily she is a better driver than I am; no surprise because after all she got a degree in TWO years and it took me 4. (That's our running joke.)

#2

I've had this running complaint open with facilities because I shouldn't have to wear fleece OVER a sweater in mid spring because an icy wind is blowing on me. The work order was opened, ingnored, escalated, ignored again, and so on.

Friday I was visited by one team member and his manger and they said they'd fixed one of the 30 thermostats on the floor. They were sorry, I was forgiving. It even SEEMED WARM after that.

After lunch today I noticed the icy blast start up again, because the universe felt my Monday wasn't quite bad enough yet.

Five minutes ago a facilities guy came around a corner and pointed something gunlike at me. I was about to scream and dive under the desk, but then I remembered seeing my boyfriend Alton use one on tv. Yes I was faked out by a fancy thermometer that he was pointing at the heat/ AC vents. .

For the record, two thermostats are now dueling for the turf my cubicle occupies. I just hope nobody else show up with a thermogun again.
Carly(via Blackberry)

Squares

Sunday art... we're getting REALLY loose with this category but here goes:

http://thepostitproject.blogspot.com/

has little ditties like this one:

And boy, am I someone who wishes that a lot of the squares in my life were round. Gaaah.

Most of the cartoons on this site are kind of funny or bizarre, but every now and then one makes me wince, and take a closer look at myself (granted - maybe a little too harshly, it's JUST a post it note for crying out loud...)

Digging a Ditch

Digging a Ditch
Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Unplug the TV and turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch
Cause I'm
Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm old
Digging this ditch my story's told
Where all these troubles weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Where all these questions spinning round my head will die, will die, will die
Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Unplug the TV and turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch
Cause I'm
Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm through
Digging this ditch I'm digging for you
Where all these worries wear down on me will rise
Where all these habits pull heavy at my heart will die
Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Not what you should be or what you've become
Just get heavy on with digging your ditch
Cause I'm
Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Where all these disappointments that grow angry out of me will rise
Will die, will die, will die
Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Unplug the TV and turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

People bug me today. Hmmph.

I'm tired of some of the "stuff" at school that I'm dealing with, and tired of wondering if I'll still have a job at the end of this year. Today at the function I had to run for school there was a whole buzz about the latest gossip and people fishing for what I know and what I think about it all. Tapdancing, all evening. Because I can't say what I think and all of the reasons why. People think it's so desirable to be "in the know". I don't want to know "stuff." I wish I didn't.

Tired of wondering what certain people are thinking and if certain problems I'm having are my fault because I don't explain myself well sometimes. Tired of questioning my own judgement, and whether I'm too emotional; tired of second guessing things I would like to say, emails I would like to send.

Tired. Tired of not feeling good and not sleeping well and of not liking how I look or feel. Tired of resolving to do something about all of that, and falling short because I'm sucked back into habits and just that whole "being human" thing.


I want to go off in a kayak and paddle out into the long quiet part of the lake, and feel the sun on my face, and watch the dragonflies skim over the water, and look up at the trees and the sky.

Parting shots

Apparently Spencer & Heidi were at Central Park the same day we were. I only wish I'd seen then so I could go up and flick my finger against his forehead and say "you're SUCH a twit".

B was desperately hoping to see the Jonas Brothers at their "favorite" restaurant in little Italy but we did get a picture of her, standing in front of it hopefully looking around at everyone nearby.

We wanted to spend much more time in the park, and I want to go back to the museums, and the kids have never seen a show, not even the Rockefeller Christmas show, so we have a long list of things to do when we return (B was very miffed that we couldn't go to the wax museum so that she could see Miley. Please. $120 (for all of us) for her to stand next to one doll and then say "I'm hungry, when's lunch?" I don't think so.)

Someday. When I finish my remodeling, which :::;drumroll::: might start soon. In a week, maybe. Yeah, I know. That's not a flashy announcment. This stuff is crawling along and I really wanted it done by the 4th of July but that looks out of reach now. At least I have May to more or less get things packed out of the way from the family room & kitchen. It's gonna be a BIG mess, I can feel it in my bones.

This tulip

.... Won't be here when I get home, probably. Effing rabbits. At least I got to see this one.
Carly(via Blackberry)

Bleeding Love

Not sure if you caught Leona Lewis on Idol tonight. My kid has liked her for a couple of weeks now and so the song is stuck in my head for good. Here's her giant face on the front of Virgin Records in Times Square (that's Mariah's foot over her head)

What, you thought this post wouldn't be about the city? sorry...

Brooklyn Bridge

...and I promise to stop talking about Manhattan. Soon. Soon-ish.

Did I tell you that there were police everywhere, and I mean everywhere, police standing and police on horses and people who were clearly police with sniffer dogs and...some people might be nervous about that; I wasn't really bothered by it all. We had arranged our plans to sort of stay out of the Pope's way on Friday. So it was no big deal.

One NYPD officer was very nice to my son. He and his partner had a truck, it was a some sort of power generator truck, and it was near St. Pat's. We were waiting for other family members to finish something, and so I took my son over and introduced him. The officers were really friendly and took a bunch of photos with the kids and made it a very cool moment for my son.

We also made friends with our cab driver; there are only four cabbies in NYC who are SAG members and so when a movie is filmed in town and they need cabbies, this guy is usually somewhere on the set. I'll have to look for him; he talked about being in some movie Julia Roberts is filming now. (Duplicity, with Clive Owen, who is NOT hard on the eyeballs, thank you.)

Just curious

I often listen to. "Beach house" by Tony Braasch when too many people arond me at work are yakking. I just need to not be able to make out their words so that I can focus. It's waves against rocks and there's a wind chime faintly jingling. It's an hour long so I tend to accomplish quite a bit.

I wonder if there is a similar mp3 of white noise sounds of the city? I mean, I don't really like crickets or wolf sounds, and I'm just still in Why Can't I Go Back to Manhattan Now mode

Carly(via Blackberry)

More shots

Central Park & St. Patrick's....

Sunday Art

One of the luxuries of having a digital camera is being able to take as many photos as you want, or hand the camera to your kid and let them play and learn. You can delete any Ooops or Ughs later.

So, two photos by my son. He had plenty of shots where his hand got in front of the lens, but some gems too. There is probably nothing remarkable about the photo above, except that I just like the candid nature of it. I'm very ok with random shots of "nothing."

I'm definitely hoping he continues to enjoy the hobby.

Goodies

We got the usual shirts and magnets on our trip; I also purchased a Dean & Deluca tote bag - I'll be using it for work, because I have my laptop and my lunch and my wallet and blah, blah blah. I sprayed the hell out of it today with a waterproofing spray I got at "Lids" for my son's white Yankee cap.

I also got this (Americaware.com) because I liked that it's giant (for 16 oz of tea, of course, not wine, I would not ever drink wine in this) and that it's sculpted in a wee bit of 3-d.

But, no Coach bag. Or Tiffany dragonfly bracelet.

What is sweet about the sorrow?

It's so hard to get in the car, and look out the window at you as I pull away. Everything behind me gets smaller and smaller, and then when I inevitably have to turn away, and leave you in my back window, I feel that cold steely hand clench around my heart and squeeze. My stomach flips over inside of me, and lands with a dark thud that echoes through me until it escapes with a weary sigh.

This visit is over, it pains me to know that I will carry around this empty space inside for a while; the space that is so filled with joy, when I am there.

Now, I am here. Back to "normal".

"There" is excitement. Possibility. Energy. New thoughts and ideas and things to discover. All so unattainable on any permanent basis.

"Here" is just so ordinary and routine and the same. And lonely, somehow -- a contradiction in that there are SO many people around me. And yet. Lonely. This, unfortunately, IS permanent.

I hope it won't be too long before I see you again. But the tiny, quiet fear is always there. What if this was the last time? What if there is no next time?

Seriously

Honestly. It's a candy store. An effing AWESOME candy store full of candy I don't even like. but still.

I mean, really. How can you not want to go there?

Oh, and my daughter has about 350 pictures to my 250. I've created a monnnnster.

Only the core remains

So. I am blogging from a limo. Carlyrella went and tooled around Manhattan this week. But it's almost midnight and soon I will be surrounded by pumpkin mush.

We went down to the big apple and played for a few days. On Wednesday I strolled into Tiffany's and tried on a $9750 dragonfly bracelet cuff. It was three rows of dragonflies; their heads were pearls, their bodies were diamonds and the wings were white gold. I was pretty shocked when the clerk took it out of the case and put it on my arm. Carly can't buy that because Carly's kids have wonky teeth and so $10k has to go to braces.

I also looked at a $400 Coach bag. It was pink leather and I really liked it, but that's not really in the cards. I only saw one hooker this week so I didn't get a chance to network enough to get in the biz.

While the boys went to The Longest Yankee Game the girls walked through Central Park (love it) and ate at Tavern on the Green (mehhhhh)

Yesterday we rode the bus tour around. Lunch at Il Palazzo (excellent) and then ate dinner at Junior's right off Times square. I had a giant slab of carrot cake - enclosed cheesecake. (Pics to follow). I really just wanted to be alone with it but my kids staged a fork intervention sooo....

Times Square at night - does it get any better?

We stayed at the Belvedere Hotel (kinda basic but fine) which is right across the street from a school Alicia Keyes once attended. When we pulled up in our limo there was some interest in our limo, but then "nobody" (my brother in law ) got out. Hah

Today we did Today and the NBC tour. We staked out a spot and watched the setup for the fourth hour and then acted like jackasses cheering so we'd be on camera. . Kathie Lee Gifford threw a cookie at me. Oookay.
So we spent time at Rockefeller and at this point I can barely walk. I got blisters on my blisters.

Oh yeah, and some Catholic guy is in town. Whatevs.

Mr C. said to my daughter "can you imagine if you came to the city and everyone dropped what they were doing?". She said "they DID, didn't they?"
Carly(via Blackberry)

Looking ahead, and back

The last couple of days before a vacation are the WORST. Everyone wants everything "before you go" and no one seems to remember that you'll be back soon, and most of it can be handled then. Can I PLEASE just go on vacation?

We have some typical adventures planned- a yankees game for the boys, Tavern on the green for the girls. Also plenty of wandering around and eating all sorts of great food.

Also we will go to the world trade center site, to pay our respects... I can't put it into words very well but I want my kids to see and feel it all, and keep it close to their heart. We will look at the exhibits that are at the chapel across the street, where the rescue workers took their breaks and were counseled by clergy.

My hope is that my kids will stand there with me in the park behind the church, and look at that big empty space, and be moved to say a prayer with me and think about all of those people, and their families, and be thankful for our soldiers and say a prayer for them too.

Dear universe

Stop it stop it stop it stop it!!!!!

Today I worked from home; my kids have va-cay-shun this week and I don't want them killing each other just yet.

I put my little darlings to work* and I set about my own work. At one point I had about 15 windows open because I am dealing with TWO programs that both MUST be done NOW (yes only two, the real geeks are laughing at me out there) and clients who don't comprehend that we can't start programming other work until they actually give us the requirements for what they want us to do! I didn't even get to program #2 but #1 is shaping up nicely, if I can keep the client from saying "well my friend edited a local copy of the database and...."

At 3:57 my boss pinged me via instant message to see if I could sit in on a phonecall at 4. The universe was trying to tell me something that I just wasn't getting.

At 4:02 my daughter shot into the room; "mmmmmmmoooooooooommmmm I had an orthodontist appointment at 4!" Oh, right. That. Um, thanks for nothing?

So JUST then my boss called and I had to sort of whimper "can I call you right back?" and call the ortho to reschedule. The secretary was kind; hmm, what to do, can't really bring her candy, now can I ???

********

* the other night I got up from watching tv, and wandered in to use the bathroom before I went to sleep. The trashcan had been empty at 3pm; I was working from home THAT day too. Not sure what happened between 3 and 11 but it was as though it was a volcano spewing really really gross stuff, heaped on top and strewn about the can on the floor.

I was repulsed and went out to levitate my husband off the recliner using only my voice. He in turn looked at the mess, stomped into bedrooms, and woke up our little cherubs, saying "get into the bathroom now".

My son tends to sleepwalk in that scenario (awakened after being asleep for about an hour) and so it took a while to get him to the right place.

I pointed at the trashcan and said to them both "This is DISGUSTING. If I EVER see this again, we will not have cable." I even made the slashing motion across my throat to make sure they got it that I Am Serious.

I stomped out and my son picked up everything. My husband handed the bag to my daughter and said 'well, since all you did is watch him clean it up, you can bring it out to the cold garage now'.

She complied and then I heard a whiny "Can we please go back to bed now?"

My garbage has not been more than half full since then.

Today my son said "Mom... I really like cable."

I know, my child. I know.

So yesterday I commisioned them captains. Captain of Dish and Garbage Duty, and Captain of the Laundromat. Duties to rotate weekly.

And they thought this was a vacation.