So close

Someone spent a lot of time on this. Whoever you are, you're very talented. But my first thought was "um... My eyebrows and eyelashes fell out too"

(...probably because my eyebrows still haven't grown back. Just sayin'.)

Nice girls don't talk about boobies

This is going to be a long confusing rant that you may want to skip if you're a guy. Unless you have a wife, or sisters, or a mom.

Tonight on Facebook I saw a picture of a bunch of oranges that was photoshopped to show various symptoms of breast cancer. It was a very cathartic sucker punch.

(side note: Kerry Anne, I love you and don't doubt that for a second, please)

It's sad that we can't just show PICTURES OF ACTUAL BREAST CANCER without it being tee hee, boobies. And I wish I had a nickel for all the people who were embarrassed FOR ME that weird cells grew deep down in my breasts and not in, say, on the surface of my pasty white skin. PEOPLE. It doesn't embarrass me in the least. Breast cancer, Breast cancer, breast cancer. It's not dirty. I'm not immodest if I tell you where my tumors, all four of the fuckers, chose to set up shop.

But what stung just a little is that one of the photos was right on target. And I have blamed myself for it, far too long.

The orange in the photo that I'm referring to was leaking. Drip, drip.

So was I, for a while.

One day in the summer of 2009 while I was visiting my sister in Pitt, I woke up and my tshirt was wet. Just a little bit, near the right nipple. It was annoying. It happened every now and then. I assumed that at age 45 (seriously, how long have I been writing this blog?) I was perimenopausal, and rolled my eyes whenever the topic came up. Old bag. Sigh.

The year before, I'd gone for my annual lube/oil/ and filter check (come on, joking is the only way to get through that ordeal) and dutifully said to the ob/ gyn's nurse practitioner "uh, you know, sometimes I leak, and my kids are teenagers, so what's that about?" and they did a few extra blood tests, and found... Nothing. And I let it drop.

I let the matter drop. My family doctor glanced through the bloodwork and basically shrugged.

I am only starting to forgive that now. Him, me, all of of the medical people who failed me that summer in '08.

The following summer, in Pitt, I started to worry. But it was in a long line of worries at that point (helloooooo unemployment!!!) - I was depressed. I didn't WANT to go for another checkup. They had said the year before, everything was fine... I assumed still that I was just getting old. I really did live in denial then. But that was in part because both breasts leaked (because, my dumb luck, I got cancer in BOTH OF THEM....) so it probably *was*just me getting old... Or so I thought.

I am writing this to tell you: it's not fine. Your breasts should not suddenly start to leak, years and years after your children start school. Don't settle for "eh, it's probably just..."

My surgeon told me that it would have been five years before I could feel my tumor doing a breast self examination. Five years.

Five years. And it had already spread to the nearest lymph node.

I am grateful to myself for pulling it together in November (my birthday month) that year and saying to myself "Carly, get your damn mammo and checkup done already.". It was a few months later than I usually did it.

I wonder now, if I'd done it in the summer, would they have seen anything? I wonder if I'd have gone another year, not quite feeling right and not knowing why, while the cells marched onward through my lymph system.

But I am starting to forgive myself. For not jumping up and down and demanding REAL ANSWERS. For waiting a few extra months in 2009 to get that mammo- because I might have skipped the ordeal of chemo. But I might also have missed my relatively early diagnosis. It's just something I'll never know.

I'm starting to forgive my family doctor (who I stopped seeing when he told me, without seeing ANY of my biopsy info, that I would need a double mastectomy, and radiation treatments were horrible and to be avoided and so much other bullshit, that I should just sue his balls off. )

Mostly I am leaving him in the past, as a distant memory. I got a second opinion from wonderful doctors who actually LOOKED AT my tests and knew what they were doing. They are my personal heroes and I hug them both whenever I see them.

But the point of my long rant is this: okay fine, if it takes a photo of weird oranges to get people talking about breast cancer symptoms, then so be it.

TALK ABOUT IT.

Talk to your wives and your sisters and your mothers. These are the facts: anything that is different or unusual is a sign that needs to be checked out. Puckering? Check it. Weird skin texture? Call the doctor. Leaking? Stand on someone's desk and demand to be heard. Fight for an MRI or at least an ultrasound.

For me, tell even ONE PERSON today about what I've written here. Please.

We need to stop being embarrassed by breast cancer. It's hard enough to fight it.

Hey Mickey!

Getting very excited about going to Disney with the kids in a few weeks. The band teacher said gift cards are the best way to give them money for meals & snacks (and if you know my son, that's a lotta money...) rather than letting them carry cash.

The other day I got my park hopper pass. (Theirs is part of their band's tour package... I'm sort of tagging along...)

I have even found a ride that appeals to me (Soarin' - an IMAX hanglider tour of California. Awesome. )

Let's do this!

Click

iPhone plus Hipstamatic app plus random settings plus cold winter night plus railroad crossing plus a little motion when I "clicked the shutter". Oh wait, I tapped a piece of glass... Potato, potahhhto.

I really like this, for no other reason than, I just do.

So YOUR assignment for this weekend is to do something you like, just because you do.

(Oh, and to watch Alcatraz because it's excellent. Saturday. Fox. )

Good morning

Freezer today, still not much in the way of snow here this winter. This is a shot of my favorite farm this morning

I have been enjoying being a little bit "bored" this week in the evenings. Kinda nice to just chill after the Christmas mayhem.

Going to the Pink Zone game again tomorrow; it was so much fun last year.

I love awards season

These are some of my favorite dresses from tonight's red carpet. The fact that I don't look quite this lovely right now might have something to do with chocolate covered strawberries and graham crackers.

Nom nom nom

Yummy.

Fondue time!

One of the funniest things about chemo is this: I never liked chocolate when I was growing up. Now, I do. This is from Nostalgia Electrics, and we love it. It's the perfect size for 24 oz bag of chips.

The most wonderful time of the year

Is not Christmas. Too much work.

(kidding , somewhat)

But I really love awards season. Love to dish the beautiful dresses and the hairdos and jewelry. Even though I almost never see a movie, I definitely look forward to the Golden Globes and the Oscars.

If you are on twitter and following me, I apologize for the amount of chatter I will be doing Sunday night. Somehow we're going to watch football AND pretty dresses. I hope.

By the way, I like the E! Red Carpet iPhone app. Plenty of pictures of the good, the bad, and the odd ballerina variations. We're about due for one.

Absolutely

I am definitely buying this* for when I go to Disney next month**. Although I'm disappointed they put me on some sort of Hootchie mailing list.

*I'm not buying this

**I'm going to Disney! I am chaperoning a school band trip. Sort of. And getting an extra day for myself before AND after said chaperoning. Very excited about my quality time a-l-o-n-e. I mean, being with my kids at Disney.

(seriously, how did I ever get on the mailing list for this catalog?)

Happy happy new year

Two years ago I was all about the happy, happy fight (look in my archives if you weren't with me back then...) which of course wasn't all that happy but I sucked it up and got through it.
Now that cancer is behind me --hopefully, for good -- I feel a quiet, calm, happiness.

I saw Johnny Virgil and Shamus the other day for lunch...Shamus was drunk or something and went to the wrong place at first (oh, I kid..) and while Johnny and I were waiting I mentioned I don't blog all that much anymore because I'm so much happier, and I don't need it the way I used to.

There was a point in time at my old job when I knew I just shouldn't be there anymore, but I was waiting for that severance package. I got my summer off, and the kids and I had a great time.
(then of course I got sick, and it sucked. But I'm doing well now! Thank you, New York Oncology )

But before I finally actually left The Big Stupid Bank, I was SO unhappy. The people I worked with most were on a very different wavelength than I was, and a bunch of other things made me very unhappy most of the time. I would type and type a bunch of stuff here on a regular basis, and it helped.

I have learned quite a bit more about how to take charge of my own happiness, and speak up for what I want and need. I'm excited about the coming year ( I'm going to be an auntie again! I'm going to Disney!) and beyond.

So I guess what I'm saying is, don't give up. If things kinda suck, hang in there, it will get better. Do what you need to do to get by.

I may or may not post as much here anymore, but I am still on twitter (as Carlyq80) so please feel free to follow me and laugh at the dumb things I tweet.

Happy new year. We once again watched Holiday Inn and new years rockin' eve And hey wow, Dick Clark is orange!!!

Xo
Carly

Merry Christmas

Loving the new Hipstamatic foodie snap pack.

Ahead for today... Lasagna for tonight, mini quiches for tomorrow, plus other prep for the big meal (20 people squeezing into my house! Aieeeeeeee. )

Oh- and eating MANY cookies while I make up a cookie box for Stanley.

Where are You, Christmas

Two years ago today, I received a phone call that no one wants, especially at Christmas time. Sitting in my car in a store parking lot, unemployed, exhausted, and afraid, I listened to the doctor who had done my first biopsy tell me that I did have breast cancer after all, and I needed another biopsy on the other breast, based on the MRI that I'd had. I went home and cried, and 800 miles away, my sister woke from a sound sleep after her night shift and called me. The holiday crumbled around me, but I got through it and the months of treatments that followed.

Now, after a "clean" checkup yesterday, I can enjoy this Christmas.

No trying to keep the kids from overhearing things. No crying in mass, looking down from the choir loft at a friend holding her grandson.

The lyrics of this song really get to me. It's the arc from despair to "getting it", summed up in one neat little package. The devastation and shock I felt was eased by the friends and family who gathered around me to take care of me and "love me through it" (Can. Not. Listen. To. That. Song. Cannot.)

It was a long bumpy road after that phone call two years ago, and I try to leave most of it in the past, but I'm still mentally processing things here and there.

(as an example, yesterday I finally met someone who had helped me put together my team of superhero doctors. She's a colleague of my brother in law, and I spoke to her several times two years ago, but never face to face. She got me in with the best surgeon in the area, and my two oncologists that I adored and felt complete confidence in. And so, on meeting her? I burst into tears and hugged her. She rolled with it though. )

I will be the first to admit that I was kind of a pain in the ass "before", prone to selfishness, drama and whining, and I like to believe/ hope that chemo killed off at least a little bit of my worst character traits, in addition to some rogue cells that were growing out of control.

What I took away from 2010, leaving behind the suckage of the memories of certain individual events as much as possible, was a strong appreciation for the every day, for the beauty of ordinary things and moments, and most of all for the people who are love me and are kind to me. Every checkup, despite being a stressful and frightening flashback-filled time, renews the gratitude and the personal goal to be a better, more loving and giving human being. And what better time of year than now for that?

Merry Christmas!!





Where are you Christmas



Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love




use this link if the one above doesn't work.... http://youtu.be/nmGSHZYZ74c

Busy busy

Making cookies (maple syrup and butter form the base for these cutout cookies. Yum)

Shot with my Hipstamatic for iPhone
Lens: Loftus
Flash: Off
Film: DC

Tick tock

So much to do... And trying not to think about my next scheduled checkup with my oncologist this week because It Should Be Fine.

I have a little bit of residual anxiety because two years ago, I was sailing along in my holiday plans, (kinda like now) had all my shopping done, (kinda like now) and then BLAMMO.

Deja vu. But not, hopefully.

Sundown

The winter afternoons rush by quickly. Five or ten minutes can be a big factor in whether or not I can take a decent photo of the sunset. (I took this through the screen windows of my porch which gave it instant texture. Maybe I'll carry around a screen window. Heh. )

Winter makes me discouraged and sad... It's a lonely- feeling time. Blah.

Bean counter wreath

I had a little bit of fun making a wreath for my husband's office - it's one of a kind, which is probably a good thing.
For the record, I was asked to do this... And he likes it. Hey Mikey!

Kids... That orange square is an ancient jump drive. (Just saying.) There's also some of that green paper with special lines that we had to use before Excel. We had to do MATH back then. But we had calculators that were JUST calculators, just like the one on this wreath. Mechanical pencils, highlighters... Good stuff.

Ok, random old stuff from the supply room! Fine!!

ch-ch- check me out

This is interesting... I'll need to play around with it some more, after the holidays.

Flavors.me

It's a Wonderful Life

.... if you don't have to get up early in the morning for work. And I do.


but tonight I went to a photography group MeetUp at a dress rehearsal of a local production of "It's a Wonderful Life"... I loved the vintage clothing, and I'm really enjoying my new camera (I took almost 300 photos... with my little baby lens that came with the camera... I felt definite envy looking around at some of the amazing zoom lenses!)

You can check out about 30 HERE:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/93483329@N00/sets/72157628314681191/

(dear blogger, why is it so damn hard to make a working link???)

I'm partial to a couple of these that I just HAD to put in black and white...

And so

I also made a couple of things for ME. I could have been writing out Christmas cards. Oh well. I can do those ::::looks at ridiculously crowded calendar::: Sunday maybe.