Geez

I haven't posted lately. Sorry! I average a whopping number of readers every day (not) ... but I appreciate all of you stopping by!

Things are progressing. I got the surgical drain out. It's nice to look down at myself and not see any form of open wound. FINALLY. My level of anxiety about it has dropped considerably. But... it's not looking great. Let's just say it's NOTICEABLE that a chunk was taken out.... the size of a walnut... in the shell. But I have to laugh that the "pointer" now goes about 10 degrees off center. Laugh or cry, kiddies. I promise not to post ANY photos. And I'm quite certain I DON'T want any reconstructive surgery, thankyouverymuch.

Tuesday was another visit to Ye Old (well, my age) Oncologist. The plan is still the same. Four treatments, planned for three weeks apart. But my heart sank when he pulled up a chair and said "this is going to be a difficult conversation" and went through all the possible side effects of a controlled poisoning of little old me. I tried to let most of the " x, y, and z COULD happen" drift out of my head because he has assured me that my chemo will be low toxicity, and fairly tolerable, and so on. I just want it to be o-v-e-r. Now, please.

To be fair I did have an option to be much less aggressive and not have any chemo. But do you say to a surgeon, "Eh, don't wear gloves, just wash your hands" ?? No. In for a penny, in for a pound. Besides, having the chemo, he estimates drops me to only a 15% possibility of recurrence of breast cancer in my lifetime. Instead of 30%.

I also had a bookend option of about twice as much chemo, based on the fact that ONE lymph node had a few cells that had eked into it. I am not feeling the need to be SUPER aggressive. It seemed very much to me that he was strongly in favor of the middle of the road approach, and he even said so in so many words explaining that it was his duty to provide me all of the options, and that if it were his wife he would recommend the 4 / 3weeks option

We also talked about risks and, well, LIVING. As in, don't sit on the rocking chair and hide from the world. He literally said "Go OUT, take purell with you everywhere and do things to keep your spirits up." So that was nice to hear. I'm having trouble with that in a couple of relationships. I don't want to think about being sick all day every day and have people cross me off of plans automatically "because you're sick."

My friend (who had BC last year) posted about trying to remain YOU while you are in treatment and that explains my feelings well. I want to do the things I do, assuming I'm not tired or feverish on whatever day they roll around. I want to do art and sing and just not sit at home staring at myself saying "I'm sick."

The mirror is bothering me these days because I needed a trim to go back to work (I AM BACK TO WORK, KIDS!!! THE FISH IS STILL ALIVE...) and my hairdresser gave me a very short cut. I did give her permission to do it, and I understand her reason for asking to do that (it's an adjustment, and it will help me toward adjusting to having NO hair... and so on...) but when I see myself in the mirror I think "By St. Patrick's day or Easter I will be bald." My heart sinks. It looks pretty. But it looks sad to me too. Like when the leaves are beautiful colors in the fall, but you know it's just a matter of time till they're gone. And other dreck like that.

So I went back to work Wednesday (yesterday, but it seems like today was sooooo very long) ... my surgeon said it was fine and I was starting to feel bored and depressed from sitting home for four weeks, and broke... the first day I was disorganized, confused, and frustrated. And tired.

And I'm right back to zero with not having much in the way of conversation with the guys. They welcomed me back, of course, and were very nice about it. They're busy, that's all. I don't want to ask them to explain things to me that I know I CAN figure out, but I feel stupid muddling around in my current assignment. And my god, I would love to have a group of people to go have lunch with. This is the ultimate irony if you know me well enough to remember times I've said "I could NOT stand what X and Y were arguing about at lunch today...." at my old job. There were people in the group I really DID like going to lunch with, and I really miss them. (You. Not really Them. You know what I mean.)

So my plans are:

• another surgeon appointment next week just to be SURE this tater heals :::sigh::: but I do love my surgeon, she is awesome, so I don't mind all that much
• find new lunch friends for 3 or 4 days a week or reel my old faithfuls into some sort of regular rotations...
• chemo class... to learn ALL ABOUT what to expect :::thud::::
• more watercolor painting
• get a bunch of pictures ordered from Snapfish before I forget completely that I took 500,000 photos last year and never printed any
• trying at least one recipe from Pioneer Woman's cookbook before I start chemo
• going to the gala I go to every year that has the huge head table loaded with chocolate desserts (I will manage to get there JUST before my chemo starts)
• delete all my ipod playlists because they are a disorganized mess, and start over (too many are named AaaNew list and so on...)
• damn, my car needs an oil change which SOMEHOW I FORGOT IN DECEMBER.
• more books on Kindle - Water for Elephants was awesome

I think that will keep me busy....