Sunday, February 21, 2010

Moody

Mooody. Don't want to DO this. Of course, who DOES want chemo ? My
medical bills have topped $80,000 already. Thank god, my portion is
"only" about 4k.

I can't imagine doing this without the safety nets I have, fiscally
and emotionally. People have brought us food and sent me cards and
gifts. I got an American Cancer society cookbook yesterday from one of
my college roommates. It's got recipes to deal with the various side
effects that I could have.

I am really dreading the hair. My son asked last night while I
'tucked him in' if I would be bummed "if you lose your hair". I said,
well, I'm definitely going to, and yes I'm really bummed. I kicked
myself a few minutes later for not following with "but it will grow
back". But there's a guy at work who has a newly shaved head and I
pass by and see him and wonder how the ridges and bumps on my noggin
will look to my kids. And how many times I will swelter in a stupid
wig. I figure I'll be bald most of the summer.

I'm doubly frustrated because "it will grow back." BFD.... it won't
look at all like MY hair when it does grow back. You can't really
color your hair for a long time, according to my oncologist, it's too
fragile and it could all break off again. So I am going to look old
and gray when I stop wearing a wig, and I hate that. The one girly
luxury I have always had is that since the first grays appeared,
before I was even 25, I have colored my hair and always gotten
compliments on it.

So, that's the current grump. But it beats cellulitis, which omg you
DONT want to google just because your/my doctor mentions that's what
I REALLY had when I went for my little ambulance ride to the ER when
I had my incision open. Can. Not. Erase. Pictures. From. Brain.

3 comments:

onescrappychick said...

To hell with the wig.. embrace your beautiful head.. or there's always scarves. Who wants a hot scratchy head in the middle of summer? I don't blame you for being cranky. I would be cranky, and pissed off also. You are my hero. ((hugs))

jen said...

You are amazing, remember that.

Trish said...

I can send you a copy of the instructions for a hat my Nane made for little preemies at Stanford for a long time, and who made plenty of for friends who had cancer and lost their hair. I Can't knit a whit, or I'd do it myself.

Scarfs or hats are better. There was one outlet offering a scarf with hair sticking out--less hot. ASK your doc about services for ladies like you who DON'T want a wig.

When you've got side effects, EAT WHAT SOUNDS GOOD. The only time it let me down was one morning when an omlette SEEMED like a good idea--until it came back up. I was down to simple carbs most of my chemo. instant mashed potatos, pita chips---but did find out gravy sat ok on the potatos and pate were ok.

don't kick yourself too much about not hitting the highlights with the kids---you can tell them another day when you think of it. Remind them they can ask you anything.

And as to cellulitis---a friend who DOESN'T have cancer had it a few months ago---scary no matter what the situation.

hang in there and keep breathing.

wv=sanimumu...she lost her sanimumu and her hair at the chemo, the chemo infusion center...sorry Mr Manilow, I just had to