Friday, April 23, 2010

100

One hundred days from today this part will all be behind me. But today
my stomach isn't working with me, and my bones ache. It's not helping
me be optimistic and cheerful.

I am taking a walk, and trying to propel myself through this part by
willpower. It's beautiful out and I wish I could enjoy it more. But
all I want is for someone to carry me home.

I'm tired of feeling disconnected from everyone I know; they are of
course going about their normal day to day routine. I feel like things
are moving forward without me while I am bogged down in this mess.

I am wildly uncomfortable with the idea of being a hero or an
inspiration today. People have said some very sweet things to me in
that vein (my son's friend talked to him about the idea that being a
survivor is something cool to be proud of, etc) but I just would
rather not have to be extra brave and tough and.... I want to be
ordinary. Normal.

3 comments:

meopta said...

If I said you reconnect I'd be lying. I mean, you do, but the 'new normal' isn't a myth - roads have diverged and will meet up again, but the walkers won't be in the same sync they were before.

Keep On Truckin'

Anonymous said...

I know it will change me, but I want to get to the part where it is not the centerpiece of every day. You know, where I'm working around the logistics of treatment and effects day in and day out.
- C

allpointsbulletin said...

Well it hasn't impacted your ability to click a cool shot. [Like]

(excerpt of a song)
I've had some good days
I've had some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
And some sleepless nights
But when I look around
And I think things over
All of my good days
Out weigh my bad days

...

Sometimes the clouds hang low
So low, I can hardly see the road
I ask the question Lord
Why so much pain
But He knows what's best for me
Although my weary eyes, they can't see


The song reminds me that some days I just don't have it. Some days of little, if any, strength for those days. And that's OK cause I'm still ahead.

So I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to be extra brave and tough EVERY day. It's those days you are <3 by family and friends most.

((Carly)) ... 99 days