Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sunday art sadness

I have been tossing and turning for a while now and thought I would try to write it out of my system. I have a sad lonely feeling I can't shake on this dark winter morning. (photo from my walk last night. A balmy 32 degrees.)

I am going to our school's catholic schools week mass today. I have been going to these every year for about 12 years, between my two kids, and this is the last one.

A year ago, I couldn't go. I was up early and ( one of my surgical incisions opened and blood everywhere and yuck and ) I ended up in an ambulance to the ER where I was then admitted to chill with some iv antibiotics for a day or two.

So while I am happy I at least get to BE THERE I am sad, last one, omg kidsaregettingsobig. When my son leaves the school in June, (lord this is so petty but) I will effectively lose a bunch of friends that I just won't see anymore because we will all be busy with crazy teenagers.

When my daughter graduated, I tried to put together a monthly 'moms and or dads get together at someone's house night' and it never got off the ground.

So I am trying to work through my OWN feelings of leaving a school I have been heavily involved in (and the love/hate of volunteering is still going strong) and trying to help my kid get through a year that I am finding has been one where a culture of bullying has emerged, which the faculty is now trying to stamp out.

And it's only going to get harder from here.

In five years (not even) both of my kids will be IN COLLEGE. Possibly away from home, but I kind of doubt that since I don't even know how I'm going to pay for it in the first place, even around here, much less far away.

And my sister is going to have a baby, in the spring. In another city, an eight hour drive away. Which means I will not be the third person to kiss that new darling face. Or the fourth, fifth... I don't even think I'll be in the first ten.

I know the antidote to these feelings is to stop dreading the future and make fun plans to look forward to.

Yet I can't help wanting time to slow down or stop because I feel like it is rushing to a point where I am going to be very alone. My mother dropped a remark about how when you get older you really don't go anywhere and I'm terrified that I will slide into her state (is it agoraphobia or just later life?)

Funk. I hate this funk.

1 comment:

onescrappychick said...

I hear you loud and clear.... on all points including how to pay for college in the same amount of years. One wants to go to MIT, and the other to Johnson and Wales. I love their ambition, and at the same time, it keeps me up some nights. I still can't wrap my brain around having 2 HS students next year, one of which will be a Junior getting so close to being off on his own. It seems so impossible.