Sunday art sadness

I have been tossing and turning for a while now and thought I would try to write it out of my system. I have a sad lonely feeling I can't shake on this dark winter morning. (photo from my walk last night. A balmy 32 degrees.)

I am going to our school's catholic schools week mass today. I have been going to these every year for about 12 years, between my two kids, and this is the last one.

A year ago, I couldn't go. I was up early and ( one of my surgical incisions opened and blood everywhere and yuck and ) I ended up in an ambulance to the ER where I was then admitted to chill with some iv antibiotics for a day or two.

So while I am happy I at least get to BE THERE I am sad, last one, omg kidsaregettingsobig. When my son leaves the school in June, (lord this is so petty but) I will effectively lose a bunch of friends that I just won't see anymore because we will all be busy with crazy teenagers.

When my daughter graduated, I tried to put together a monthly 'moms and or dads get together at someone's house night' and it never got off the ground.

So I am trying to work through my OWN feelings of leaving a school I have been heavily involved in (and the love/hate of volunteering is still going strong) and trying to help my kid get through a year that I am finding has been one where a culture of bullying has emerged, which the faculty is now trying to stamp out.

And it's only going to get harder from here.

In five years (not even) both of my kids will be IN COLLEGE. Possibly away from home, but I kind of doubt that since I don't even know how I'm going to pay for it in the first place, even around here, much less far away.

And my sister is going to have a baby, in the spring. In another city, an eight hour drive away. Which means I will not be the third person to kiss that new darling face. Or the fourth, fifth... I don't even think I'll be in the first ten.

I know the antidote to these feelings is to stop dreading the future and make fun plans to look forward to.

Yet I can't help wanting time to slow down or stop because I feel like it is rushing to a point where I am going to be very alone. My mother dropped a remark about how when you get older you really don't go anywhere and I'm terrified that I will slide into her state (is it agoraphobia or just later life?)

Funk. I hate this funk.

A change

In a departure from my usual morning shots, here's one late the other night. I was discouraged about a half finished disagreement, and the temperature was a mini heat wave of about 20* - warm if you consider the -17 we hit recently. Blah.

So I bundled up and walked around my favorite park alone. It let me mull a few things over.

One of the Droids has become very spiteful to me and it was pretty bad Tuesday. Sarcastic remarks all day long, with a cheap shot just before he left for the day. I've worked from home a few times because of snow lately. If my kids have a two hour delay I stay home to make sure they actually get the bus. And the other day I felt lousy and so Ii decided to WFH again. So Wednesday the alpha male Droid who tries to boss everyone around said to me "will you be in tomorrow?" Caught off guard, I nodded. "oh, two days in a row, huh ?" Dick.

It's crap like that which makes me want to leave. I want my own cubicle again so I don't feel like I'm being watched. Add the other guy's ranting and raving about random news things or his imagined slights and persecution at the hands of our manager. I really like guy #3 the best because he is quietly oblivious and doesn't bug me. But I got a raise, don't know how much yet. Yay me! One crazy year as a temp under my belt. Now what?

Am I boring you?

I'm stuck in traffic. Sorry.

Brrrr

Don't leave stuff in the car in the wintertime!!! I tend to do this far too often.

Well

Apparently photos don't bend, but cd cases snap in half. Bubble wrap envelope, anyone?? I think the ups guy laughed as he walked away from my door.

Morning reflection

This is actually the roof of my car, not a quiet pond. (On the phone, you can't tell. Just humor me.) There's a pink moon in the western sky that I was not quite as successful at capturing.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first surgery. So right about now I couldn't move either arm because of the double lymph node biopsies. Fun fun fun. I don't think I'll spend every day looking back at last year's adventures though. What good would that be?

Dear blog

Blog, I'm sorry I am not around as much. Gotta get the yearbook done. Yesterday I had 12 teenage girls invade my house and while they did thing I hate like cut kids out of photos because they're 'the wrong grade' (put them in the effing yearbook!!!!) they also did things I hate like "tons of work getting 20 pages done".

Above is a photo that will show you what I was working with... Enough sense to wear boots on a single- digit temp day... But not to close my front door. Ugh. Or, Ugg of course!

Dear nephew

You are so darn cute. That is all.

Wait. Also, I will buy you a super cool camera someday. By then it will be something that takes a 3d image all around you. And when you look at pictures it will really be just like being there. And not in that tortured 'slide show in the church fellowship hall' sort of way. If you don't know what that means, go ask someone old.

In an interesting development, my nephew, who was discuss with albinism, seems to be getting more pigment in his eyes. Can you outgrow that? I was very confused by my sister in law's explanation. His eyes are still lousy as far as vision quality - he will head butt his sister all the time (by accident) trying to see the screen when we 'bake a cake' on my iPhone. He loves that app. And I love him.

I told you so

So one day last summer this happened. (A little boy I know, asking why I was baldo). At the time I said to him, "When I see you at a basketball game, I'll have my hair back."

I walked into a CYO game yesterday, and there he was with his dad, at the admission table right in front of me. I said to his dad, "I wonder if he remembers seeing me bald last summer."

He called Noah back, and I bent down and said "Come here!" and he gave me the "you're a stranger trying to steal me aren't you?" face and so his dad had to reassure him, but then he came over to us.

I said, "Remember at Ritchie's baseball game, you saw the lady with no hair?" And I saw an instant flicker of recognition pass over his face. Ding, ding, that rings a bell - he nodded.

"That was me!" The eyes got very large then, in disbelief.

"I TOLD YOU my hair would come back; look at it!" He laughed at me and said "wow!" His father and I cracked up. Good trick, scary lady. (Please don't ask me to do it again, kid.)

I really did it more for me, of course, and I knew that, and I think his kind father also knew that. The little boy is only about three or four, and I'm sure he would have sailed through life just fine without the Return of The No Longer Bald Chick.

Dear Dunkin

Why no love for the tea drinkers? No extra large option? I mean, come on, you could get $2-3 for a teabag that costs about a quarter.

Getting up too early on a freezing cold day makes me cranky. I need hot tea! Plenty of it.

Sleepy Smooches,
Carly

Ta Douleur

So, dear blog, today instead of a photo I'm giving you a song.

Well, wait... here is a photo of Piper Jane, who is so cute I can't even stand it. You can read about her at Reagan's blog: http://www.reagansblob.com/ and yes that's a B in that URL there. Blob!

Reagan also has a blog called Hairdresser On Fire, http://www.hdofblog.com/ and (now I'm FINALLY GETTING TO THE POINT) that is where I heard this song which is PERMANENTLY stuck in my brain.

Ta Douleur - Camille

I don't know what it means... I'm going to have to Google it a bit more. But I'm doubly impressed that Reagan could do her video and not be dancing the whole time. OK, I know, it was edited in later. Just work with me ;-) Go find the song in iTunes. I dare ya.

It's over

This is the last of the Christmas raisin bread my mom makes every year. What next, now will I run out of cookies soon, too??

Sunday art - balls

Another shot from my trip to Manhattan last month. "Balls!" is one of my favorite PG-13 expresisons because Suzy always answers "If I had 'em, I'd be King, says the Queen." Then that makes me laugh and I get over whatever I was annoyed about.

Balls, it's time to take down the holiday decorations. That's what we'll be doing this afternoon. I do, however, have a large snowman collection that comes out right about now to get me through my funk of "all that work and Christmas just SHOT BY"....

Happy new year

My new year's resolutions are rather free flowing. I want to catch up on things that fell behind last year, and focus on things like my health and the commitments I have made.

Today I decided I will just try to catch up on one small thing each day. I started by editing and uploading photos from my recent trip to Manhattan - I had promised one of the other moms that I spent most of the day with that I would put photos on Snapfish. That was three weeks ago! Ooops. In my own defense, I did have a brief outage of flu+sinus infection, and then I had to catch up on my Christmas preparations.

Most of the pictures are of our children but I had a little bit of fun with these. The string of lights is right near a HUGE pile of holiday ornaments, and both are near Rockefeller center, as is Radio City Music Hall.