Saturday, June 19, 2010

Take me out

So, little league game tonight. A three year old boy I sort of know
was climbing around the bleachers near me and stopped, looked me in
the eye, and asked "hey why are you wearing that?"

I've been wearing chemo scarves from an Etsy store called English
Gardens. They're hats that look like a tied bandanna but they are
sewed so theyre much easier than tying an actual bandanna when you're
sick.

It was almost 90 today and sweaty wig sliding around on my head? No
thanks.

So obviously Noah had figured out I have no hair and wanted to know
what that was about. It made me laugh, because he's a cute little kid.
I pushed the scarf back on my forehead said "I have no hair and my
head gets cold" and smiled at him. He gave me a wild eyed look and
took off.

Twenty minutes later he marched up to me again. "Why don't you have
hair?" His grandparents were right behind me and I think they plotzed
a little. Without even really thinking about it I said "oh I was sick
honey, but I'm better now and it will grow back. Wanna see? " I
whipped off the scarf completely and he kind of stared, like
"woahhhh". I have some white peach fuzz and he took that in for a
split second, finally speechless. It made me laugh.

A long way to come from about six months ago (the day I got my
diagnosis) when I sobbed all the way down the northway in my friend's
car because I was so afraid of chemo and losing my hair. I still hate
being bald, I'm tired of wearing an itchy wig, but I am not as
bothered by people I don't really know seeing me in the bandanna at
least.

There are a couple of people that I still don't want to be bald in
front of. I don't want to look old and sick and, well, unsexy perhaps
isn't the right word but I'm reaching for something about feminine
pretty hair. I used to get random complents from strangers about the
color of my hair,etc and I miss it like an old friend who has moved
across the country suddenly.

I also can't bring myself to wear a bandanna at work because there are
so many twenty and barely thirty year old beautiful girls. I don't
want to be the old weird bald chick that people don't even know, and
they notice me only because I'm bald. I guess I don't want THAT to be
the way I get on people's radar.

The funny thing is that a few people have said I have a pretty head
and I truly don't get it. I look like an egghead to me, and that's not
fishing for a compliment. It is what it is.

My friend asked me last night if I wished I was back at the bank. I
don't think so, because while I have a few friends from there I love
dearly, I would be too annoyed by a couple of people to be comfortable
in scarves or without anything on my head

My legs have a bit of white fuzz, but now my eyelashes are falling
out. Enough! I really do want my hair back. Follicles, woud you please
get it together??? Kthanx.

1 comment:

meopta said...

I'm proud of you, I really am.

This part takes too long, and goes really fast. I have a five inch ponytail, but my bangs still don't clear my lips.