Thursday, May 13, 2010

Self portraits

I finished my last round of chemo this week. The nurses gave me a certificate, (which I don't know how I feel about really - frame it? not so much...) , and blew bubbles at me, and sang a cute song that made me smile, and I avoided the ritual of hitting the gong that is right outside the door and sounds like a death knell to me. The idea of the gong is that when your chemo treatments are done you strike it once for each round you endured but the whole thing made me wildly uncomfortable and fortunately for me it didn't come up. I slipped out with my friend and walked right by it.

I have been unloading today emotionally, it has been ranging between weepy sobs of relief that it's done and anger at having to do it all and a small burst of cleaning fueled by the frustration with everything in my life that's been on hold this year. Very small bursts.

I also pulled a bunch of pictures off of my phone today. I take pictures of myself often. It's been a way to cope with the changes and to try to get used to how I look now, and a tiny way of still photographing regularly even when I don't feel like myself. Also, when I feel wretched, I force myself to smile, and I take a picture, and I send it to someone, to try to convince them or maybe just myself that I'm all fine and hunky dory, thank you very much. Fake it till you make it, has more or less been my approach.

Some of the pictures are on flickr... and this is a peek at the set, but there are comments for many of the pictures explaining what was going on each day.



5 comments:

Sgt said...

I vote for the scarf Carly. You totally rock that look.

onescrappychick said...

I enjoyed your photo's, comments and all.. even though fighting back the tears made my headachey head hurt more. You are 1/5 of the way there... hang in there!

miripanda said...

Thanks for posting all those pictures! Honestly, you look great, with and without. Your face is very expressive, but I was glad to have the comments. Congrats on making it through - I think you're very brave :)

meopta said...

HA! She said brave.

Plus, GH is totally doing the Cancer Ward story so it's just like me getting diagnosed in Oct - all over the place and obnoxious.

But its DONE. On to the weird tanning booth and the odd little tattoos.

Lotion up after like you're starring in a bad film - the kind where they bring unordered pizza.

Trish said...

congrats...i shredded my first certificate...got rid of the chemo in my mind...but up to you.

we didn't have a gong, but a ringy-bell...felt like a cross between asking for more help and one of those sayings about angels getting their wings when a bell rings...nearly barfed on the nurses shoes who tried to insist i ring the damn thing.

keep unloading dear...perfectly acceptable...just remember to apologize if you hit someone over the head with it along the way.

proud of you for finishing the round. heal yourself. take good care of yourself. know that we're all here for you!