Green Eggs and Carly

I am a moderately good cook, but I've had my share of mishaps in the kitchen.

When I was four, I fell while walking through the kitchen, over nothing more than my own two feet. I needed 3 stitches to mend my upper lip. One stitch let go. I needed plastic surgery a few years later to pretty up the scar a little bit. You can still see it if you look closely. Gimme a kiss - I'll show ya!

When I lived in my first apartment, I opened a jar of spaghetti sauce while yakking on the phone, used half, and then for some inexplicable reason put it back in the cupboard. Yummy fuzz was waiting for me the next time I made spaghetti! Of course, I was on the phone THEN too, and dumped it into my nice ground beef before I noticed the mold. D'oh.

I once browned some Rice A Roni in butter, per the package directions. When I say "browned" I mean "burned to a crisp." A spaz moment took over, and I dumped in the water that was waiting. Then I had a black, stickey, gooey wet mess. Nice.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I made some lasagna in disposable foil pans. Great idea. Not so great to bake one without a cookie sheet under it. When I took the pan out of the oven, it flexed and basically fell to the floor and exploded. Since we had carpeting in the kitchen, it was a torture exercise to clean up.

(The day I went into labor, I made this huuuuuuuuge dinner with meatloaf and about 5 side dishes. I can't look at meatloaf, to this very day.)

I bought a pair of knives a few years ago. I was saying something about "I won't cut myself" when of course I did. Badly. Twice. I gave the knives to my brother. I told him the knives had tasted blood, and now they wanted more. He cut himself. I don't know if he still uses them.

Another time I had a friend over. Set fire to the steak I was broiling. Oh yeah. It was up too high or something, and part of the fat had some tiny little flames on it. The rest was still good. But my friend dressed up my son in his Halloween fireman outfit and sent him out to ask me if dinner was ready.

Another time I cooked a pot of Kraft Mac n cheese for the kids. Then I broiled a steak. I managed not to set it on fire. But I took the big broiler pan out, (the kind that has a top, with slits in it, and a lower pan) and set it on the stove lid I had been using. The stove lid that, unfortunately, was still on "high". The grease that had dripped off the steak caught fire in the broiler pan. Now, THAT was more exciting... four inch high flames. We lucked out. While we were saying "oh shit, what are we supposed to sprinkle on this?" it put itself out.... not much grease in the pan. No new cabinets for me that day.

Somehow I think this would be a mini disaster. I'd flail that thing around, and then knock something flying. Or knock myself unconscious.

So, no, I'm not cooking this holiday. I prefer to make a Christmas roast, with a good Irish beer, some carrots and potatoes, and not think about 30 side dishes.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Don't forget to take all that shit outta the turkey before it goes in the oven. And for God's sake, don't deep fry it unless you watched Alton Brown's entire show on how to do that right.