Problem solvers

I am getting SO tired of the mailman folding my mail in half and shoving five or six catalogs into my small, so-old-it's-not-even-retro mailbox. I can never pry all of it out with one hand, and I am always carrying keys, my briefcase, purse, etc...

I hate getting a billion catalogs that I neither want nor order from. A VERY annoying catalog came today. The name of the company is "problem solvers". Hmmph. I looked all through it and I did not find a maid, self-running washing machine, a magic ATM, or even a cute AND legal age yardboy; nor can I find an elf who can make my kids have straight teeth at no cost to yours truly. (Does Santa still have that little twit Herbie the Dentist locked up somewhere at the North Pole making toys? Really, my kids both have crappy teeth. Send ol' Herbie down thisaway. )

As if I would order any of this:

A tree stand that supposedly you just "drop the tree into the powerful steel grips" and yet the "grips release with a simple twist." Yeah right. I can imagine a crash the first time you try to "drop" in a tree, then quite a bit of swearing trying to get it back out. And really, who wants to take a half dead Christmas tree and spin it a 3/4 turn in the middle of their living room? Needles EVERYWHERE. Plus in July when you're wandering around the attic looking for extra beach towels and you step in that thing, it's gonna be a scene Chevy Chase would have been proud to do.

These champagne glasses can apparently not be put down. Anywhere. They will dribble champagne all over. It's like a shot glass on a really long pointy stick. Who would buy them??? Again, making problems, not solving.

Then there is the nut roaster - yeah, that's really what it's called. So you NEED a special pan to roast nuts? Who eats that many roasted nuts? If the nuts are sticky won't this pan be even harder to clean? I'd throw the damn thing away after one use. That's a problem.

Then there's the Earbags. The name is even damn trademarked. So it's not bad enough your kid will get his ass kicked for wearing these things, but their stupid name is trademarked. Someone paid money so that no one else could invent something and call it Earbags.

These are about the only thing in the catalog I'd actually buy if they weren't $40. I'll just duct tape some cheap little flashlights to the bottoms of the Victoria's Secret slippers Suzy got me. MmmmOK? (By the way right now if you buy a pair of Oh-so-Cute and yet still very warm flannel PJ's right now from Vickie's, the matching slippers are free if you use the discount code "slipper" when ordering. Tell 'em Carly sent you.)

Lastly, we have this monstrosity. Wake to your favorite farm animal. So help me, if I heard a cow noise coming from my nightstand at 5:30 in the morning, I would shit my pants, and that is just NOT how you want to start your mornings.

Just remember, if you're buying something for me this Christmas, I already have enough problems. Buy me a shiny new steel blue metallic Jeep Compass*. Don't forget to activate the built-in Sirius radio.

*Because, "Silly boys, Jeeps are for girls."