This seems to be my safest alternative for self-tranquilization.
Things at work are iffy. I took a gamble, and it could go either way... really well, or really badly.
Certain things frustrate/annoy me, over and over, a little too often. The only alternatives I've seen so far have aspects that make them not any better than the particular problems I'm wishing to address.
So rather than just standing still in the quicksand or banging my head on the nearest tree, I slap on the sneakers. I lurch and stumble and frankly, the next day my hips and back ache a little. But it's something.
Happy fucking Friday the 13th. Were you expecting sneaker haiku? Oh well.
Last night I found out that a NICU baby I thought was pretty damn cute is now in foster care. Which is actually a good thing, given the situation. It just sucks that there's a situation.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stumbling around there without a clue when I'm volunteering, but a nurse made me feel a little better this week, telling that I did help one mom (who frankly I thought was not impressed with me in the least, best case, or I thought perhaps I had even offended her with with my fumbling helpfulness... ) It turns out she was happy with what I'd done for her, but of course she is not in a place in her life where she could be all friendly. Not that she owes me anything. I just don't want to leave someone worse off than when I found them, so I'd been feeling a bit guilty or something vaguely like that.
A close friend of mine pointed out something to me. When I'm really upset I avoid thinking about my own issues and do something nice for someone else instead. So I guess that's one reason why I want my NICU work to yield something positive. So I can say "yeah, this part of my life is fucked up, but see over here, I did this, and it was good." Is this a coping mechanism, or just plain avoidance? I'm tired of feeling like I'm right on the edge, and my life is about to either fall into pieces, or FINALLY get on the right track and head in the direction I want it to go. Limbo is a sucky place to be.
I guess I'd better go put those sneakers on.
4 comments:
Your sneakers match well
With your apple music box
Sanity is near
Ok.. so Haiku isn't my strong suit.
“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.” - John Greenleaf Whittie
I'm pulling for you, Carly! Whatever will be, will be, right?
Just keep doing what you're doing. You are helping.
I think I posted somewhere, this year.. that walking after school saved me from being a miserable monster at home. It's hard when you feel like everything is going wrong.. to have something that doesn't. If running is all you have right now.. go for it. You're still in my good thoughts.. hang in there.
I see nothing wrong with making yourself feel better by doing something nice for someone else. At least that's helpful, productive and positive... What good does whining and crying do? Sometimes it helps a person gain perspective about their own issues. I know it does for me. And if it IS avoidance? At least it's the best possible KIND of avoidance. :-)
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