My nephew is 11 1/2 . My son is almost 9. They're very different kids. My son is the blissfully ignorant boy's boy, baseball and mud and stuff like that. My nephew has had more to deal with in his young life. Divorced parents, a chronic medical issue or two, and a Mom with a parenting style completely different from mine.
I don't like to coddle him. I'm strict with him, as strict as I am with my own kids. So my nephew doesn't run to me with big hugs- let's put it that way.
I'm watching him a few Fridays this summer. Today we trekked to G. -- a state park that isn't too far away.
We swam a little, we ate lunch. Then for some inexplicable reason they sat in beach chairs and stared into space. WTF? Why are these three kids sitting like zombies??
I vaguely knew about a trail alongside the lake. So I said to the kids "get on your sneakers and let's go!"
I miscalculated a little bit.
We had water. We'd eaten and been to the restrooms.
But I took three kids on a 5 mile hike. AROUND the lake.
Kids who had NEVER hiked, and one who through not much fault of his own, really wasn't in the right shape to be dragged around the lake.
You know it's bad when a guy passing on a mountain bike says "what's wrong with HIM?".
Him, who at various times said "why are there so many rocks on this trail?" (...through the woods...) and muttered under his breath at me that he was never walking around this stupid lake again and the tree roots hurt his ankles and aren't we there yet and what was that hissing noise and where is the beach, anyway? In general, a million complaints.
I tried.
Supportive, encouraging. "Come on, you're doing great. This is an intermediate trail" (oooops) "You're a new hiker. You're doing fantastic!! You can do it!" Not that he was buying it, of course. My daughter saw him cry, once, when he fell. I swear, I didn't, or I would have hugged and consoled him. He was miserable. I was surreptitiously saying to my kids "stay back... don't let him be last" whenever he fell way behind.
Meanwhile my kids were having a great time shouting "Marker!" and "Poler" every time we saw a trail marker. It was a really cool trail, and a gorgeous day. It would have been fantastic if it was just me and my kids and a backpack loaded with the right stuff. (My son kind of "lost" our bug spray 1/3 of the way around. D'oh. At least we'd already put some on.)
I want him to be more like them. More like a carefree happy kid. I want him to believe that he CAN do something like walk around a lake. Not start out the task thinking "I can't do this. How much farther is it?"
I'm frustrated and want to just shake him and say "I love you! Why can't you quit complaining and have fun with us now and then???'
I want to take him as he is, but I just don't know how to do that.
What I worry about most (in regards to him, that is; because I've got a bucket of other worries) is that he'll spend his whole life being over-cautious and extra safe and resenting that pain in the ass Aunt Carly who did things like drag him around a stupid lake. And he'll never hike around another lake as long as he lives.
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6 comments:
Ohh, that sounds like a fun time. I love hiking.
I think part of it's the age. I have an 11.5 year old myself. He's into that whiney/miserable stage.
Dude. You already said it. You want him to be more like them. You don't know how to take him as he is.
I don't care what age you hit me at, I would never, will never, COULD never enjoy a five mile hike around a lake. That's not who I am. I can do fifteen miles around and in Central Park, but five around a lake? I'd use curse words and cry too.
You've got an idea of what he needs to be and I can tell you from personal experience, all that is is more pressure and more feelings of failure for him. If you want to help him gain confidence, spend time doing what he likes, even if you hate it. Even if it's sedentary or seems stupid or you just don't understand it. That's how you take him as he is, by letting him show you.
You and my Aunt L so need to talk. We're very tight now, but she had to give up on a lot of years of 'helping' me. If you're inclined, I'd send him a card - "Dear Nephew, like an idiot, it didn't occur to me to find out if you enjoy hiking. I'm so proud of you for putting up with me! Next time you pick!" Don't be proud of him for doing it - cause that just underscores that you thought he maybe couldn't. Be proud of him for tolerating the crazy adult. -P
but he doesn't like ANYTHING, P.
I would spend our days doing something he liked if there was anything... you can't take the kid to the movies, a ball game, etc. Crabby. 24x7.
He is cranky and miserable and rude no matter what we do (or if I'm not around and Mr. C and the son spend time with him, he's STILL miserable to everyone around him. )
He wanted to go on the hike, (you can't really make him do something he doesn't want to do) until we were 1/3 of the way through. Since I thought we were HALF way, I figured it made sense to keep going forward. My bad!!!
Maybe he's unlikeable. Some people are.
What does he say when you ask him what he'd spend the day doing? like, "if you could do anything today, what would it be?' with no suggestions?
We tried that...the first week.
I said "when you come on Friday you have to have an idea for what we can all do together."
He had no suggestions. Maybe I'll ask him every week until he cracks
(evil grin)
he sounds like he wouldnt know fun if it hit him right square in the middle of his forehead...but that's not to say that hiking IS fun ;)
unhappy life = unhappy people
don't give up on him - he'll totally appreciate it when he gets older - he'll love you and respect you for your tenancity and your love of things he never thought of..
keep up the good work =)
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