Monday, July 19, 2010


I've had the dream before.

I'm at college on my first day and I can't find my schedule; I am late for class and I don't even know what class I should be in or where I should go. I'm frantic and floundering and doing stupid things, like washing my hair while a bus waits for me

I've had the dream when concerns simmered about a new phase or major event in my life approached. Anxiety about being ready and capable has processed itself in my subconscious, again and again over the course of my life.

This time it was different.

I dreamed that I was packing - to graduate from college and move on.

There was some sort of stupid television show or movie on, but I walked away from it and didn't care. I'm learning not to get all caught up in some people's little squabbles and drama. Not to worry about what certain people say. Noise in the background that I've learned to ignore and just get on with what's really important in life. Not that I'm really perfect at that... The tv WAS on, and I was still listening. ;-) I just wasn't letting it dominate my attention.

There were people in the dream, vague roommates and acquaintances, and I was interacting with them and hugging them and so on, but they weren't people I recognized from my "real" world. I assume that they were there to represent my medical people and fellow patients. People who I'm fond of but will be moving on from.

There was some sort of little wire box. It was empty. I'm not sure if it was for letters(old school with stamps and all that) or makeup. But it was empty. Wait- there were two. So maybe both. I could happily do without any more mail - no more bills. No more bad news. Pack up THAT mailbox please. As for the empty makeup holder, I guess that shows me not hiding how I look anymore, finally pretty much comfortable. (but I still DO want hair! I kept that container in the dream, sort of an "I will still need that" decision- I mean, I still want to look nice!)

So, this is what having to wake up at five a.m. gets me. An awareness that I really AM close to the end of this part of my life, and SO ready to move forward again.

How funny that the alarm clock woke me up before the end. And I'm not just talking about a dream, this morning. Cancer was the alarm clock. It woke me up, in many ways.

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