Saturday, July 03, 2010

Separation anxiety

My eyelashes have almost all fallen out.
My eyebrows are rapidly falling out too.

Now, parts of three of my fingernails have separated from the nail bed, so I've had to clip them because they catch on things otherwise.

I am SO discouraged. I have been done with chemo for almost EIGHT weeks and I feel like it's getting worse instead of better. And I just want to BE better. I want so badly to be done, to be free of all of these aftershocks. To take a shower without missing my hair. To look in the mirror, without sighing and reminding myself that it's what's on the inside that counts. To walk through the market without having to decide whether to be too hot in the wig, quirky in a print scarf, or very conspicuously fuzzy bald. I'm tired of noticing people notice me.

Tired of having people walk into the ladies room while I am moving the wig from side to side, making a futile attempt to make it sit more comfortably. Or worse, they walk in while I have it off, and I am rubbing the indentations it leaves on my head. It's juuuuust tight enough to leave marks, no matter what I do. (I'm thinking of feeding it to a paper shredder, at the end of this, by the way....) So they don't know what to do or say, and they say nothing.

This is Threat Level Yellow. We've passed the point of music cheering me up. I'm going to have to watch The Hangover, because it's the only thing that I think will make me laugh right now. Sitting here crying isn't going to grow these nails back. Stupid chemo.

2 comments:

meopta said...

That's why, when people think "oh, it's over now" after chemo ends patients just want to kill them.

Start pretending you're an orthodox jew! Bald for G-d!

mkp-hearts-nyc said...

If you do shred your wig you should beat the crap out of it with a baseball bat first, Office Space style, and then take pictures. Or have a Stuff I Bought Because of Cancer bonfire.