The calm

Life is progressing along while I wait for appointments for a second
biopsy and a surgical consult. I am doing normal things. Groceries.
Church. Getting ready to start my new job.

But I laid in bed this morning feeling crushed and unable to move. I
was worrying about how MUCH surgery I wil need because I have no idea
yet.

I feel something like I am waiting for a hurricane to hit land, and
then when the storm/ first surgery has passed I will know what the
effect will be on my house. Until then, this little control fanatic is
running around looking at the sky and fretting.

It seeps through my train of thought more and more frequently,
complicating every decision. How many new pairs of pants to buy for
work? will I work at all next week? what about the week after that ?
Then will my weight go up, down....?

I see people and mentally check their told/ haven't told status in my
head. I am still keeping it fairly quiet and I don't want to bang
people over the head with it. (Hi, happy new year, I have to have
someone cut cancer out of my body soon but I don't know when. And what
did Santa bring you?)

I am looking forward to the distraction of working. Hi ho!!!