(The backstory is that I used the self cleaning option on my oven ONCE and it burned out the element AND didn't clean the stupid oven. It's been two weeks. I still haven't had a chance to get it fixed. Ooops. See? Cleaning is inconvenient. It leads to nothing but trouble.)
So, I made those patties. They were hiding in the freezer from when I had a nutritionist come and try to teach me that Durkee fried onion rings are not properly considerd vegetables. (I love this time of year, you go in the market and there's a GIANT PILE of those, on an end shelf.) I have to say, I'm not a fan of the liquid smoke taste of the "burgers", especially since it lingered through a good part of my choir rehearsal, and if I have to load up my pan with olive oil, how is this helping me? What sticks to a nonstick pan???
I didn't let on to my kids that I was cooking a foreign substance, but they're no fools. Just for all of you child-free lucky bastards, here is how the meal went.
Child one: (C1) What's this?
Me: A burger. (technically, not a lie since it is a word in the product name)
C1 frowns, knowing something is up.
C2: It doesn't taste right.
Me: You love McDonald's burgers, which only have a slightly higher percentage of actual beef in the ingredients.
C2 is now frowning as well.
C1: But what IS it?
Me: (sighing) it's a soy burger.
C1: Soy??? What IS that?
Me: Protein, from uh... beans or something.
C1: Why???
Me: Well, uh, some people are vegetarians
C1 & C2: "why???"
Me: because they don't like to eat cows, or pigs, or chickens.
C2: (bursts out, as if shocked by the idea; I KNOW she is familiar with vegetarianism)
But they're GOOD !
Me: shut up and eat your dinner, both of you.
And that, my friends, is parenting. Fatigue, desperation, and ultimatims.
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