The October birthstone is Opal

The Opal dates back to prehistoric times. It is a non-crystallized silica, which is a mineral found near the earth's surface in areas where ancient geothermal hot springs once existed. As the hot springs dried up, layers of the silica, combined with water, were deposited into the cracks and cavities of the bedrock, forming Opal. This gemstone actually contains up to 30% water, so it must be protected from heat or harsh chemicals, both of which will cause drying and may lead to cracking and loss of iridescence. Opal must also be guarded from blows, since it is relatively soft and breaks easily.

I haven't really felt like blogging the last few days. My mother's been in and out of the ER three times in the past week. She has an undiagnosed problem that involves pain, and problems with eating, and apparently the pain is much worse than usual these last few days, but the tests still show absolutely nothing.

My sister (a nurse) and I have made repeated efforts to help her, but the problem is that you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves. Simply, if you won't take any medicine, and refuse to modify (or at least KEEP TRACK OF) your diet as suggested, don't be surprised when you don't feel better. You must make a change, to see a change.

This has been going on for quite some time now - several years - and it has consumed her, to the point where she won't make plans because she doesn't know how she will feel on a given day, and that gets frustrating to the point where it's hard to be sympathetc despite the fact that I do KNOW she is in pain.

I know that I am certainly not the only person in the world whose life is shifting... the child becomes the parent, and the parent becomes the one in need of care. It's disheartening and on the worst days I wonder "will I be like this someday??"

Today is her birthday and I am torn. I want to wish her a Happy Birthday, but I just don't think she'll take the wish and run with it. She is mired in this situation and apparently doesn't think or talk about anything else. I would pretty much buy her whatever she asked for, (as long as it's not being sold by Amazon...) but she doesn't want anything. Anything. If I send her flowers, that would be wasteful, and she's really not the gift basket type. Clothes don't really have much impact. She doesn't have a DVD player (or a CD player or a computer or cable tv or internet access, oh my god, I could go on and on with that one....but I would fall down dead of shock if she said "I read your blog today..." ) I suggested that she could go to one of the upcoming cooking classes at Glen Sanders Mansion and she wasn't interested. Sports are not a part of her world, nor is music or the theater. So I am at a loss and the birthday present issue is only the tip of the iceberg.

I admit it - I resent the fact that not only does she let this dominate her life and every conversation we have; but also that even on a good day she won't just come over to my house, sit and have a cup of tea and chat with me, or meet me at the mall or for lunch or a movie. Me, me, me, I know. But she doesn't want to go anywhere, really, and she'd prefer that we not stop by uninvited, so I am at her house maybe 3 or four times a year. Maximum. I feel petty and small and selfish. Why can't I have a mother like other people's?? Does that make me evil, because I'm stamping my feet and whining about it? Great, now I feel guilty too.

This is the way it's always been, but now it's worse because she won't even really come and enjoy family gatherings at my house. She can't wait to leave, and tries to rush me along, get the main meal served, let's get dessert served, well, I really have to get home to my dog. I hate that dog so much, because she uses it as an excuse to just walk away from family time with me and my children and doesn't even look over her shoulder on the way down the driveway.

I still have my Mother, unlike some of my friends, but I don't, really, and the sick thing is that I envy them because at least they HAD the kind of relationship that I have always wish for, and despite all of my attempts, don't seem destined to have.