Happy Easter

This is what I see, on Easter morning, looking down from the choir loft.

I like to be up there. Not only because of the singing. I just feel like I'm hidden away from the laws and the controversies, and the way mankind has thouroughly fucked up what is supposed to be a pure and good thing - feeling close to God.

The hypocrites and the gossips and judges can't find me there. The ones who say "my religion is better than your religion. " ( I personally think you should find the religion right for YOU, and not listen to anyone else....) Then there are the ones who want "proof" ... you can never quite give enough proof to someone who doubts. I hide away from them all, in my loft that you can only reach by climbing a steep spiral staircase.

I attend the church that I do, in part because when I married, he went to church regularly and I didn't. I was seeking more stability and happiness. Going to church became something of an anchor for me. From one week to the next I could go, and the mass would still be the same, no matter what was going on in the world around me, or my personal life. I find the thought of priests ordained by priest ordained by priests (...repeat for centuries....) ordained by the apostles to be somehow comforting. An ever-so- slightly tangible link to Christ.

Before I joined the choir, I would sit during mass, usually holding a child, and just aim to have one moment of stillness during the mass where I could look at the statues and windows and other works of art and muse about the devotion to God that these artists felt. I guess I needed those visual aids to get me through certain periods in my life. I still do. When I am most sad and confused about what the future holds for me and those people I call "mine", I take great comfort in the beauty I find in this church.

Another thing that I have always loved is the music. Before I joined the choir, I would close my eyes and rock a child and just hear the beautiful sounds drifting down, and it meant more to me than the sermons, usually. Now, I am up there. The actual, physical music that I hold, in many cases, is very worn. The edges are roughened from years of being held - certain pieces are literally missing the section that corresponds to the part where you would pinch it between your thumb and first finger. Those are my favorite pieces to sing. I hold them, and I think about the men and women who have sung them before me. I wonder what burdens they carried into this choir loft, and what joys and sadness went through their minds each week as they sang.

I still look around at my choirmates and feel slightly out of place. The Uncertain Convert, sitting amid the people who really "are" religious. I don't go to confession because I can't see past the person of the priest, to the sacrament. I feel that God certainly sees the things I do, and he knows what's in my heart, and how I am struggling with certain events and thoughts and feelings in my life. I am not able or willing to lay all of that out in front of another human being.

So if I sound a little bit sad around the edges, well, I guess I am. There are things I'm really worried about nowadays, and I don't write about most of them here. This is my "fun/silly/whatever" blog. But I still have hope that certain things in my life will turn around or change in some way for the better, and I still find comfort and hope, when I go to my church.