Hallmark Blues

Picking out a Mother's Day card... sounds easy, right? Well, for me it gets very discouraging when I read card after card, about being the most encouraging, supportive, loving Mother and Happy Memories and each time think "well.... not so much."

That may make me sound like a total bitch. :::shrug:::: It's hard to feel warm fuzzies for someone who is not warm and fuzzy. Such is life. It's not like I was abused, or anything like that. My mother is just not an affectionate person. That sounds fairly benign until you experience it. I couldn't for any amount of money recall a time when she has ever said she loves me.

I believe she does, despite various stumbling points. When I joined the track team to try to shed my nerdy - salutatorian-dorky vibe, she bet my father that I wouldn't finish the season. Um, I don't think I was supposed to know about that, huh? Lack of information is often a problem - she once visited me (and my 3 day old son) on her way to the doctors -- she was going because she thought she had chicken pox -- she never mentioned that DURING the visit to my house and she still can not understand why I freaked out when she phoned me with the good news that "Well, I don't have chicken pox".

I try to take her as she is. She's not a hugger. She's not a mushy, heart-on-her-sleeve person. (So how did I end up that way? I *DO* tell the people that are special to me that I love them. It's important to me to do that.) The things that she does are not truly malicious. They're usually unintentional instances of bad judgement. I believe that.

And yet I can't help wishing she were a little more like those cards. I would love to have a Mom that I could go out with for a day of shopping and lunch. It'll never happen. She hates the mall, she hates eating out. She would rather sit in her garden, which is gorgeous, but she doesn't really want very much company, thank you very much. My mom is not a "drop by anytime" sort of Mom. Maybe that's why I am always thrilled to have people come over - one of my favorite things to do is have friends sit at my kitchen counter and have a drink and some snacks while I make something for dinner for us all.

So in the end, Mr. Carly usually comes through for me, finding a card that is not too mushy and yet not so sterile that I feel guilty (why, why do *I* feel guilty about this??) I have a firm vow that he has witnesssed, that I will never be like this to my kids. When I leave for work, I hug them, no matter how late I am. When they come home I am usually here and I hug them. They have a problem? I drop everything. Want 3 friends over? Invite 6. I want to be that safety net, that support and encouragement, backing them 100%.

I guess that's really all any of us can do, is take the things we wish we could change, and try to make them better for the people we love.