Old memories, dusted off

Today something reminded me of a place that I used to retreat to when I was in college. It was a little courtyard tucked away in the brownstones on the campus, with a small but beautiful garden that included a fountain. I would walk across campus, through a wrought iron gate, and down a long corridor with brick walls on either side, and then I'd be there. I would spend time sitting on the park bench, just listening to the sound of the water falling, looking at the flowers and trees around me. It reminded me of "The Secret Garden" which was a book I loved as a child.

Highschool was hard, because of all my nerd-ocity (I was salutatorian of my senior class). There were times in college when I still felt like an odd duck. Not so much so as in high school, but it was discouraging at times to be surrounded by young women who had far more material means than I could EVER imagine myself having. It was a private scholarship full of very rich girls, and smart little old me who was riding a bunch of scholarship money as far as I could go. My clothes didn't even remotely measure up, because I never had a dollar to my name. Thank god for 50 cent bagels at Bruegger's. I lived on those.

While some girls were picking out features for the new car Daddy would be buying them for graduation, I was wondering where I'd work. When would I ever get a car ? (and I knew it wouldn't be new). But I knew that the scholarships were my only shot at someday having at least a modest amount of moolah of my own so I stuck it out, and from time to time, I went to the garden to feel the peace there.

I had one job interview before graduation. It was in Boston. I stood on the pier and looked out into the ocean and tried to figure out whether this place was my destiny, my future, whatever. It didn't feel right. I felt very much alone. The salary was low (18K) and I knew I'd have very little money for rent, furniture, forget a car. So I didn't know if I'd be able to go home often, and I knew home wouldn't come to me. My parents don't "DO" vacations or even weekends away. In the end I did get offered the job, but I told them the truth - I was not ready to relocate, but thank you very much.

I wondered today what my life would be like now if I had taken that shot. I decided that sooner or later life always works out for the best, and I think I got lucky with the way things are now. I have a wonderful family and some awesome friends.

I took this photo years ago... this is my secret garden.