Squawk

Whenever I have to cantor(sing the responsorial psalm and the alleluia/verse before the gospel), I have to use the microphone.

I suck!!

I stand there, and I feel like someone has reached in and wrapped their fingers around my windpipe, and they're squeeeeeezing so that I can barely breathe. I try to take deep breaths and I feel like my ribs are fused together.

I can't project my voice at all. It's thin and I feel like I am reaching desperately for notes that I can hit easily when I'm back in the ranks just singing along with everyone else. The only thing saving me from complete destruction is that I've done this verse 20x at home, so the words roll comfortably from my tongue.

I finish, and the wierdest thing happens. Other members of the choir tell me that it sounded nice, and they seem like they're really sincere. I'm thinking, "were you LISTENING TO ME??" but I smile and say "oh, thank you" in what I hope sounds more like humbleness than disbelief. Stanley even gave me a verbal "gold star" today*. Huh?

Honestly, I SWEAR to you, it did not sound nice to my ears. The combination of thin tone, the alteration by the microphone, and the mini panic attack/shortness of breath -- I'm embarrassed every time, thinking, "man, I could have done so much better than that."

I could never be on something like American Idol. I'd drop, right there on the stage.


* First, Stanley looked at me. Then he said "are you ready?" and I replied "Yes." Then he smiled and asked again "Are you ready NOW?" and I said "YES", and he replied "are you ready yet??" At this point I was laughing but practically said "PLAY, dammit, Stanley!!" and since the microphone was on, that would be a bad thing. And I wonder why I'm nervous? and then when I was done, he said "gold star"....