Alone Again, Naturally

OK, call me a fool. I watched the Bachelorette. For those of you who have a real life, on this reality tv show Jen had a group of men to date, which she whittled down one by one. The show usually ends with a proposal, over-the-top romance, mush, etc. She was down to 2 remaining men tonight, and we all tuned in to see who she would choose.

She said no to both. Thanks for playing, this is terribly awkward, but no, I won't marry YOU, and no, I won't marry you. Oh my god, we're on live tv, and I'm so sorry, but.... no.

She wasn't very good at articulating why, which was pretty maddening to some, including the host. However, I think I understand.

There is a moment that you feel "this is the person I am meant to be with." I had that moment when my husband put his arm around me, with his hand barely resting on my back, and he kissed me goodnight on our first date. I just knew. It was very small, but definite. However, it wasn't an "I can see myself with this man when I am old and gray". (Yes I am technically gray now, but shut up, that is not the point here. ) No firewords. Just a "hey, this is nice, I think this could work out" feeling. I ran with it. I was tired of being single, I had a nice man who made me laugh and treated me nicely and wanted to make a life with me, so I said "what the heck, let's give it a shot. " Irreverent and hopelessly foolish? Perhaps. Fifteen years and two adorable kids later I'd have to say "yup... but it was a good call".

I think as much as Jen wanted to have that kind of certainty, that Trista Rehn "When I look at you, I see babies and blah blah blah...." Jen never had that feeling about John Paul, and she only got a bit closer with Jerry. (As my geometry teacher used to say, close only counts in dancing and hand grenades. I told you about him in another post way back when I started writing - before Erik and his friends corrupted me. Ha, ha! Kidding. It was my Serious Phase.)

Jen is looking for a PERFECT relationship. ("He has to be the kind of man that I can bring home to my family, and I have to love his family, and I have to love his job and the life he has built for himself but he has to be willing to give that life up on my whim. He has to be my rock and be someone I can be sure of but I need to feel butterflies around him. He can't be too predictable but I want to know what he's thinking. I have to be SURE that we'll be happy together...")

Are you following me yet? I hate to tell her but I don't think the relationship she is looking for exists. What she wants is perfection. Certainty. There is a reason why wedding vows have all of those good things AND all of those bad things spelled out. Life is imperfect and messy and uncertain.

You get married as the ultimate "alliance"... whatever crap happens, we'll promise to stay together and to try to figure it out together. Along the way I will stick with you even though you annoy me by doing x, y, and z. I will in turn annoy you right back and resent the hell out of you if you try to box me in and prevent me from doing the annoying things that I do. There will be issues we can't resolve with a neat tidy bow on the day that they arise so that we can keep a foolish little vow to "never go to bed angry". (Do people really give advice like that with a straight face? )

I had two different people today basically tell me that their spouse is being a pain. My spouse has so far escaped annoying me today, but on many a day we clash. I do believe that we are each happily married, overall.

Marriage isn't made in the courtship. It's the day in and day out choice to stay together, work on things, and hope for the best. Jen doesn't want to "settle". It's not "settling" if you choose to stay with someone even though you can see their flaws. Everyone's got flaws.

Jen needs to really DO what she said she wanted to do, let her guard down, take a chance, and make a go of it. Take the good with the bad and accept that she is not going to find "her perfect match". Until she can do that she WILL be alone.