Letting it all hang out

1. This week at work there was a new guy. He doesn't put his phone on mute and has loud conversations in the test lab. I want to vote him off the island but I am trying to be nice. He tried to be friendly to me and said "So you haven't been feeling well?" and I told him I had been diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas. He said, Do you mind me asking what kind, I was a premed student for a while. I said "No, not at all, breast cancer." He got beet red and apologized for asking. I was not offended at all... is it embarrassing to have a tumor in one place, rather than another? Silly really. More people need to talk about it so that more women get their mammograms sooner. If I waited until I was 50 that would not be a good thing, since I already had cancer cells in one lymph node.

2. Yesterday was the first time I went out in public in a bandanna. My friend calls them Doo rags and it cracks me up every time. When I went down to the park with APB he got a shot of me - I think it might be my next blog header. It's coincidentally cropped JUST RIGHT. :-)

3. At my son's baseball game yesterday a big burly guy who is a building contractor we have known for a few years (he almost did our addition) came over to see how I was doing, and then kinda half hugged me and wished me well.

4. Today at choir it was 1,000* in the loft. After the first song I was having a hot flash to boot, and I could feel the beads of sweat ROLLING out from under my wig. My son had come up to loft and said "Mom, just TAKE IT OFF" as though it were the most logical thing in the world... and of course it was... everyone says I have a pretty bald head which cracks me up to no end. One of the oldest guys came over and whispered in my ear that I look sexy, which almost put me on the ground laughing,... he is in his 80's. Take it easy there tiger.

5. A little india.arie for you, with a verse inspired by Ms. Etheridge herself and the last video I linked. Hopefully this one will actually embed... if not..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_5jIt0f5Z4



s





91 days till august first!

The Saddest Dog in Albany

I mean, look at him. Doesn't he LOOK miserable? It was about 84* by the way. We heard his owner say "I've had him since he was.... " something. I can just image how much the other dogs laugh at him behind his back.

Tulips

IMG_2972a
Originally uploaded by carlyq80

Woke up today and a local blog had pointed out yesterday that the tulips are all out, and the crowds won't REALLY come to this park until next weekend when Albany crowns its little old Tulip Queen.

Andy and I took a few hundred photos (he probably has 30 to my 95, who am I kidding, I click click click while he stops to take ONE good one) and then went for CHEEEEESCAKE! I miss cheesecake Tuesdays! I came home with six slices. I have to share, dammit.

We saw a crazy lady with a dog IN A DRESS AND BONNET. I will have to find and upload that one, I forgot.

Many more photos on my flickr feed... I tried to limit to the best 20 or so.

Melissa Etheridge

I should be sleeping, but I saw Melissa on dancing with the stars
tonight and loved her new song, and then I downloaded her album and
LOVE IT...(scream, multiple exclamation points)

So I was/am tired and I tapped the screen to try to copy/paste the
album art and finally found the hidden friggin controls to toggle
shuffle on and off; I'm stupid and have been sick and all and missed a
BASIC FUNCTION that I have been wondering why on earth was not
included...it has been driving me crazy to have iPhone SHUFFLE
EVERYTHING. Sorry about all of the capitals.

(I am rant-y today. Ask the person that I ranted to about the woman in
my church who "taught" my child that gay-ness can be *****cured*****
by ...wait for it... counseling; I UNTAUGHT THAT BULLSHIT REAL QUICK
when my kid came home to me, let me tell you... Well I did tell my
friend all about it. Didn't I? I will pray for churchlady that
someday she is able to LOVE PEOPLE JUST AS THEY ARE. Love one another
as I have loved you, I believe is the thing the dude says in the
book...)

At any rate then one thing lead to another this evening, and mock Wiki
all you want, but I was reminded of and then found this on
YouTube...and I needed it! You can skip Joss or not, but the second
half is Melissa right after HER treatment for breast cancer, I
remember seeing this back then, and I may just watch this every one of
the next 95 days and 40 minutes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_j3TDhc8vY&feature=youtube_gdata

Ps: I'm assuming some of the meds are leaving my system, like the
lingering effect of the steroids, or maybe it's just that the new
medicine is working, because I definitely feel better, as you can
tell. We won't discuss the mini hotflashes.

95, people.

Hanging on

It seems when I start to think I have things under control, I trip over some side effect or problem I hadn't anticipated. (Like, well, my post surgical boob incision opening escapade. That was really just no fun.) 

I thought this round if chemo was going pretty well. No reaction, less steroids after, more prilosec and I was able to eat pretty well all weekend. Awesome. 

Yesterday I noticed that my tongue felt burned and swollen and I have been feeling slightly feverish here and there.

My boss, who has been supportive and wonderful because her child went through stage 3 cancer a few years ago, said "I think you might have thrush." I googled. Please don't google thrush because I do NOT look like what I saw.  Oh m gee. 

By the way, Boss' son is fine now.     

I called my friendly oncologist's office since I know they have a nurse line for dumb questions you don't want to bug the busy doctor with. 

They brought me in for what they call a nurse's visit. They are pretty familiar with the types of issues that can crop up and so I got the prescription I need. It's a lovely banana flavor cough medicine type concoction. I am supposed to swish it around and then swallow it. I am not quite sick enough to have lost my dirty mind, so....

Anyway. 

 

When I took a hike last year I loved the way this tree hangs on despite looking like it should fall over. I'm trying, kids.   

Taken by carlyq80 http://www.flickr.com/photos/93483329@N00/3742061561

100

One hundred days from today this part will all be behind me. But today
my stomach isn't working with me, and my bones ache. It's not helping
me be optimistic and cheerful.

I am taking a walk, and trying to propel myself through this part by
willpower. It's beautiful out and I wish I could enjoy it more. But
all I want is for someone to carry me home.

I'm tired of feeling disconnected from everyone I know; they are of
course going about their normal day to day routine. I feel like things
are moving forward without me while I am bogged down in this mess.

I am wildly uncomfortable with the idea of being a hero or an
inspiration today. People have said some very sweet things to me in
that vein (my son's friend talked to him about the idea that being a
survivor is something cool to be proud of, etc) but I just would
rather not have to be extra brave and tough and.... I want to be
ordinary. Normal.

One left, bitches

So I got extra premeds before my poison, um, chemo today.. And they
did the trick. I got a little bit queasy from either the actual chemo
or all the drugs but then the benadryl made me doze off for a while.
So, it was all relatively uneventful.

On Friday it will be 100 days to August first. I can do this.

The ABC's of billing

Ahhh, medical bills. So awesome and amazing.

Bills are fun to try to decipher.

Copays are the subject of this little post. When I started Chemo, ( a
"C" word in my least favorite list along with Cancer and The Original
Nasty C-word...) I was told that I would need to pay a Copayment every
time I walked into my oncologist's office. Even to get the shot of
Neulasta. So not only do I make no salary this week, I'm out $105.
Lovely.

During today's checkin I mentioned to the receptionist that my online
statements with my insurance company show that I appear to be only
paying one copayment per round of chemo rather than three. Billing
lady checked and said I will get a refund of my copayment for 3/10. I
said something that rounded up to "um, yeah, that's what I was trying
to explain." They didn't yet make the leap of logic that they should
not keep charging me the daily copayment. Arrgh.

Every medical bill is a little bit of a puzzle. What day was this for?
What the heck happened on that day? And it cost HOW MUCH? yikes.

Fun is not really the word I'd use to describe working out these
billing issues.

Generally we are ok but I will be happy to get some of these copays
refunded.

Hospital bills are still arriving... I found out that they switched to
a new billing system and THAT is why I got a bill for 1/19 surgery
last week. Last week, people.

I'm holding out hope I won't actually have to pay $1000 in copayments
while I get my course of radiation.

Just the fact that I can still get an "early payment discount" by
calling someone on the phone and saying "on this bill it says..."
still amazes me. I saved almost $150.00 today in three minutes.

K... Hmm. K is for Keep my weight where it is, doctor's orders. I've
lost about 11 lbs. Not that I am complaining, mind you. I'm also not
really drinking beer, wine, or soda.

I got nothin' for L. I guess I'll wrap this little game up

--Later...

Feeling better

This is the building where I work... It will give my former coworkers
plenty of Deja vu.

Monday I went to my local Gilda's House for a program called Look
Good, Feel Better.

It's taught by a salon owner, and participants get a bag full of
makeup, skincare products, and EYEBROWS. Can you tell why I went?

I quickly noticed it was something of Old Ladyville. But I think
people my age were AT WORK -where I probably should have been, if you
ask my checkbook.

But I consulted my rapidly vanishing eyebrows, and off I went.

I was ok except when we went around the table to introduce ourselves.
We had the option to share whatever we wanted about our diagnosis,
chemo, etc. I found my hands clenched tightly together under the
table and a huge knot in my stomach. Just to say that I had been
diagnosed right before Christmas, and was in the middle of chemo. It's
not something I usually have to SAY, given email/ texting/ etc.

I was feeling a smidge lucky by the time it was my turn, since
everyone else seemed to be having quite a bit more chemo than I'm
going to. :::knock on wood:::

I basically learned that my skin will be wildly unpredictable for the
next year or two, and if I do the wrong thing my face could just come
right off. Really. This woman sitting off to my left washed her face
and a whole layer of skin came off. Say it with me: gaaaaaag.

So we practiced all sorts of makeup tricks to help us feel better
about the face looking back at us from a mirror, which is something
that has been bugging me... I don't look like ME anymore; the wig is
pretty and fools people until I wiggle it because it's too tight. But
it's not MY hair and I don't look like "me", especially bald.

(I have been coping with that by taking frequent self portraits with
my phone and posting them to Facebook and/or sending them to a friend
and saying in not so many words "I still look ok right ?". So thank
you to anyone who's seen some or all of them and kindly restrained
from saying "enough with the pictures already!" You know who you are.

I did like some of the tricks our group leader showed us with
eyeshadow, and especially how to dot on eyebrows (!) and blend them
with a clean mascara brush so they're not so obviously fake. (!!!!)

This week at work I am proofing some material about gardens and
greenhouses and it's SO NICE not to be reading medical/ EMT/ nursing
stuff. It seems karma has a little fun with me; we have a number of
those texts roll through our department.

Next week, of course, I get another hand grenade lobbed into my
system, so I'm going to suck it up and watch the first season of Mad
Men, all of the seasons of the Office, and whatever the heck else I
can watch with only one eye open. Then it will be three done, one to
go. Bitches. ;-)

Good day

Since I piss and moan about the bad days (kidding... Sort of...)

Today was a Very Good day. This week at work was difficult because the
mind wanted to go and earn money and the machinery said "ummmmmm......"

Friday a very kind project manager I have been getting to know took me
aside and listened while I cried about 3 different things in her
office. Then she told me there are several women in the building who
have had bc and they have a support group. So I will be meeting one
next week. I was exhausted from only getting about five hours sleep
Thursday night after a couple of really frustrating conversations
about, well, basically money things. Yuk.

Yesterday the magic switch in my stomach clicked and I am able to eat
again. It happens a day or two after a Very Bad Day with my stomach...
Something to look forward to two more times...

Today I went to a mall and bought shoes and a purse like God intended
for women to do on a Saturday. :::dodges lightning::: I also bought
candles and a couple of things in Sephora. Like eyebrows, but we won't
go there. And lipstick.

I took myself to lunch and started on an interesting book I saw in
barnes n noble (gotta love the kindle app for iPhones!)

Came home and planted some seeds for blue spruce trees and basil that
I got from various school fundraisers. Mmmm, basil. I am dreaming of a
summer salad of torn crusty bread, fresh tomatoes, mozzarella and
basil, with red onion and olive oil. Mmmmmmm.

Now I am sitting at my art table while I bake a pan of lasagna someone
made for us. So very sweet.

The painting at the top is a self portrait (tee hee) and the bottom is
someone else's artwork I bought once upon a time as a scrapbook
embellishment. It says Life Is Good.

Dear Panera

Please keep making that chicken noodle soup. For some bizzarre reason
it sit well with me.

But when I'm better? You need to work on that soup. Seriously, the
noodles are mush and I think I had two actual bites of chicken and
maybe one carrot.

I know this doesn't make a lot of sense. I am a Top Chef fan though,
and that Saveur guy I don't like would really tear this apart.

Smooches,
Carly

The easy way out

I keep thinking that if I am "good" I can somehow dodge the side
effects of chemo. If I eat right and only eat certain foods my
stomach will be swell and .... Yeah, it's not working. I am not in
control, it's not that easy.

Today was not a great day; I ate a couple of things that may or may
not have contributed to my downfall; who's to know? When I saw the
writing on the wall I drove home mid-day (crying in frustration). I
felt pretty lousy. UNDERSTATEMENT!!

I took some medicines, retired to my dear pillow, waited to feel
better, and had plenty of time to mull over something that crops up
now and then: "I'd chop them off".

Some women, when the topic comes up, loudly declare "if I ever get
breast cancer I'll just cut them off..."

It's not that simple.

Everyone seems to think that you just snip them off, lie around on the
couch for the weekend, and you're done. Well, let me tell you. Major
surgery and you come home with implanted surgical tubing that drains
into containers (which you have to carry around more or less, and
empty...)

People seem to think it's a Get Out of Cancer Free card, and you just
won't have to worry about that pesky c-word. Not so. There is
approximately a 5% recurrence rate, if I remember what my surgeon said.

Depending on what type of cancer and how far along it is, you could
also end up still needing chemo anyway like my friend Ethel. And
that's after reconstructive procedures. Plural. The empty implants get
put in place, then gradually filled.

In the meantime? The scars? You don't even want to google the pictures
if it's your own face you're mentally adding in.

Ethel even got a bonus round - she was in the early cycles of her
chemo treatment and her implants got infected. They had to be removed.
She's going to have to start over if she wants ta-ta's. Did I mention
nips? Those can be tatooed on later. Yes, really.

So, some would say that it was ME who took the easy way out. Four
incisions, one opening, repairing that and redoing margins.. Piece of
cake.

Now if only I could have a damn piece of cake.

Sunday art part 2

I spend time when I have insomnia trying different photo apps, and
editor photos I've already taken....

Sunday art

Took a few tries to get a photo I liked today... considering I'm just
using my phone... I am happy with this one.

Dear blogger

Why don't you have an iPhone app?

I was in mid thought on my previous post and bumped "send" up in the
top of the screen. Annoying. I can't fix the post in my phone's
browser for some reason.

Hmm, is this going to be one of those days?

I was going to talk about my solo, last night at church, so I guess I
will still do that ... It starts off "God indeed is my saviour, I am
confident and unafraid" and I only wish that were true. The parts
about me, that is.

I wanted it to be a little battle won, and it was. I hoped all day I'd
have the energy to dress up, and make it up that winding staircase. I
got there.

I asked my friend Scott to watch over me lest I pass out and make a
silly fool of myself. Stanley transposed my notes down two full steps,
so I think it sounded nice. I didn't see many familiar faces down
below but the vigil mass is long and late...

So it was not a movie scene sort of triumph where everyone wipes away
tears about how cancer girl sings like an angel and she's plucky and
brave and yada yada. But it was a bit of normal during a time when
everything is depressingly NOT normal and so I am content with that.

It helps when my friends cheer me on with Facebook comments or notes.
But I'm not brave. I'm cornered, I'm resigned, I'm frustrated and
discouraged. I would really like to just go sit at the beach
somewhere, have a few daquiris, and hide from all this shit.

I am trying to pull myself through this emotional valley, knowing that
I'm not sleeping and I will feel better next week. But I resent the
thought that if I were in my old job I could be on paid disability and
just resting, not trying to pull myself together to earn some money.

Right now I'm counting things I can't do and not really seeing plans/
events to look forward to. Can't go for a run or even a walk on a nice
day. No energy to do that or take my daughter out for some badly
needed new spring clothes. Very frustrating.

So I want this post to be upbeat and serene and happy, but I would be
faking it. I guess for now, this is where I am and I must learn a
patience I don't have.

There is an unresolved melody here somehow, because I'm trying to end
with '...but I'm fine'. The hardest thing about this is NOT being fine
and being okay with not being fine for a while.

Happy Easter

Well I made it to church last night.

I was miserable and cranky and tired all day because my legs ache

I spent a large portion of the day alone because Mr and the kids go
over to help decorate the altar with dozens of lillies and other
Easter flowers.

I wanted to do some billable work from home and I just couldn't get
it going.

Good Friday

I'm writing this on Sunday... this is a scan of one of my favorite songs to sing during Lent, because I think it's beautiful. The harmony is right in the middle of my range, and I think the words are just the perfect balance of reverence and imagery.

Here's hoping that Friday comes soon and I am doing better THIS Friday than I was the Friday of chemo week last time (it was the start of a few small mistakes which added up to making me feel pretty wretched by the end of the weekend. Hopefully I will manage the side effects a little bit better this time!) I am really hoping to go to church Saturday night and Sunday morning. We shall see.

I am reminded every Good Friday of a youth conference I attended in Niagara Falls (back when I was a Lutheran...and about 16 years old, getting one of my first kisses on a bench in a park overlooking Niagara Falls... set the bar pretty high there huh?) There was a preacher who spoke to us and the theme was "It's Friday... Sunday's coming." He put us into the mindset of the apostles... It's Friday now and things are dark, you are discouraged and everything seems bleak and hopeless. But Sunday is coming. Sunday all will be made new, and right. He reiterated this idea a number of ways and got a bunch of high school kids VERY much into hanging on his every word. He grew progressively more enthusiastic and he knew he had us. At the end of his sermon he screamed "IT'S FRIDAY!" and we all screamed back "SUNDAY'S COMING!!!" and that is how I feel right now.

Splitting hairs

Sometimes I forget. I get in the shower, and lean back, and reach up to brush my hair back into the waterstream... only it isn't there anymore. It's just a habit, I always wash my hair first. But it's an "oh..." moment. It's gone.

When it starts to grow back, I'm pretty sure it will be grey, and I can't color it for a while or it will just break off again. I might not ever go back to the haircolor I used to have, which required maintenance, coloring the roots every five weeks; I just don't know. It's expensive, and time consuming, and... whatever. So I might get used to it looking differently and by then I will physically feel better and be happy to have all this behind me so maybe I will feel better about it all. But right now, I miss my hair.

I am more comfortable without the wig. So around the house I don't wear it. I have various scarves and hats that go on and off all day long. But often I am alone, this week at least, and I don't have anything on my head at all because that's just most comfortable. And yet when I see "bald me" in the mirror, it's still new, and unfamiliar, and very disheartening. I don't look like me anymore.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, with no makeup and no hair, and thought, you look just like the guy's face on the magna doodle. I used to have one as a kid. I remember the egghead shape, and that you could use the magnetic bits to make hair or a mustache or beard... obviously this is not a trail I want to linger on. The steroids make my face puff up a little bit, so that isn't helping.

All this over a little tiny blob of tissue that grew inside me. It's so frustrating, to have to go through such great lengths to keep it from growing back. I had the option to not have chemo, and wait for further testing on one tumor (I had two different types of cancer, one for each side; invasive lobular and invasive ductile), but I did have a smattering of cells in one lymph node that was removed during my original surgery, and so I decided to move forward and get it over with and try to put this all behind me. Easier said than done.

Hopefully this funk will pass as I get to feeling better; I'm exhausted and feel like I didn't do anything at all today, because "resting" and "recovering" don't do laundry and cooking and dishes and billable hours.

Mia porcha

This morning I had zero energy. The not sleeping for two nights has
done me in, plus I only take steroids mon tue wed of a chemo cycle. So
now I don't even have those to boost me a little

I tried to get up and sit at the desk and finally gave up and went
back to bed. It's frustrating for me because my son is off from
school today and I wanted to be more awake and peppy to be with him.
He spent the morning watching tv. I hated to nag but finally made him
clean up some dishes and stuff. Just couldn't do it myself.

I dragged myself out to my porch. When Suzy was here it was nice
briefly so I have a lounge chair out here, but no tv or anything. It's
ok. At least I can lie here with the sun on my face. (and the rest of
me covered in two fuzzy blankets!)

Well, that kind of sucked.

I went to round two of chemo today. It was really crowded. One woman
seemed like she was really having a rough time with nausea. The guy
next to me was quietly spitting globs of something into paper towels.

I got my pre-meds (an antinausea and a steroid and something for
heartburn) in my iv. She had trouble getting my iv started becuase my
veins just were acting shy and reclusive.

Things seemed fine after that; we were going through the Bent Objects
book and Pioneer Woman's cookbook. The only thing was that the one pre
med gave me really twitchy legs. I couldn't get settled. It bugged me.

When they started the actual chemo, the first drug went in for just a
few minutes and then all of a sudden I had a wave of horrible nausea/
pain in my lower stomach. And my face started to tingle and burn. So
my buddy went right over to the nurse's station.

All she said was 'my friend doesn't feel good'. Two nurses almost ran
over to me, and my face was absolutely tomato red at that point. Two
doctors appeared next (one was an intern; it's a teaching hospital) to
check my heart rate and oxygen saturation, which I guess was fine.

I didn't have any trouble breathing, but there was a portable oxygen
machine that came over to me at some point. I never had to get the
mask though-
I wasn't really panicking fully; I was trying to do deep yoga breaths
and stay calm. I knew that my drug orders included exactly what to
give in case of a reaction like this and the nurses are awesome there
so I felt like they were calm and knew how to handle this.

Everyone in the room was staring at moi. Including some guy in uniform
who was either a transport medic or security or something... Never did
figure that out. But I was very self conscious.

The chemo was stopped temporarily and I got meds to counter my
reaction. I had dry heaves for at least 10 minutes - joy. Then the one
medicine kicked in and that eased. They monitored my blood pressure
for at least half an hour. Then they started the chemo again at half
speed. So I had an hour to go, which was discouraging but I got
through it ok.

Then I went into the ladies room and managed to trigger the alarm
because I leaned on the armrail and the string was wrapped around it.
Oooopsie. The nurse was nice about it but I was MORTIFIED!

My friend gets extra karma points for today. She even left a cool
casserole with taco meat, sour cream, pasta, tomato sauce - D had two
helpings! Oh and brownies. What an awesome chick!

Almost halfway to the finish line

More spin art fun. Brought to you by the restlessness of steroids. I
have round 2 of 4 of my chemo today. Just want to Git 'er done!

Dr. promised me the bone pain should not be as bad this time. So
that's cool. I'd really like to make it to choir Saturday night
(Easter Vigil mass I have a solo if I get there) or at least on Sunday.

If everything flows about like it did or a little bit better with the
behaviour mods I plan to make, I will be so happy. Knock on wood!

My friend is bringing me today, and we will be reading books by our
favorite bloggers, like Cake Wrecks and Bent Objects. When I'm not
sleeping off Benadryl, that is.... at some point my eyelids will be
too heavy and I will conk out. I wonder if I will snore... Because
that would be so classy.

Meme me, me

Poly did a Meme, this thing where she selects five words that make her think of you and then you must then hold forth on said words, or topics surrounding said words. Look, I'm already plagiarizing her. Parenthetically, she has been an awesome friend, even before The Other C word, and in spades now as I bitch privately to her about this aspect or that. So, no further ado...

Showering

Hmmm. This one could go either way, and I know one reader who would want it to. (Yes, You. Behave. )

My mornings have always started out with a shower. When you get up at 5:45 and you stay up all too often until 11 pm, it's a convenient jump start. Hot water is therapy for my achy back and neck and wakes me up nicely. Thus the morning that I almost passed out in the shower recently made me doubly sad. I have had so many disruptions to things that I do, that thinking I would have to start eating breakfast all achy and half awake BEFORE my shower just made me pissy.

The shower is unfortunately now also forced time to contemplate my surface effects. I am, what do you call it in scrapbooking? Distressed. Not me, my skin. Roughed up. I look at the four scars in their purply-red state, and try to remind myself to put scar cream on them later even though I know I will forget. I am glad that they are healed now, and I don't have to cover this one or that one with blue press-n-seal Glad Wrap to keep the water off them (which never worked anyway). I bend over and I notice the dent carved out of the one side.

For days I scrubbed my scalp gently with my fingertips to try to loosen as many as the buzzed hairs as possible. I rinsed them off me, off the shower walls, the shower curtain. They were everywhere. My expensive shampoo for colored hair is put away now, and I use Dove. Doves mean peace, don't they? I'm still not at peace with the GI Jane staring back at me from the shower mirror. I don't recognize her as "me".

Yesterday I spent over 20 minutes carefully shaving away as much of the stubble as I could, using a clean new razor (terrified I'd cut myself and bleed like a stuck pig) and looking at myself in the plastic mirror hanging in the shower. I didn't do a great job on the back, but the annoyance of feeling that brush cut fight against the wig is vastly improved.

J-fish

The day I started my "temp job" I noticed a peculiar white-orange fish about as big as my hand in a large, poorly maintained tank in the lobby by the elevator on my floor by the elevators. He was not looking all that perky and I swear his mouth is crooked like he has had a stroke. Hiding down behind the rocks, generally looking like his tide was ebbing away.

One of the Droids mentioned that he looked like he was on the bottom and seemed to be dying, and that the fish in that tank always died, and I was really fucking depressed by that. Keep in mind I hadn't even had my first surgery yet so EVERYTHING was looming over me and I really didn't need a damn fish dying and floating in the water to boot because who is going to take care of my son's fish at home and if THEY die will he freak out ?

On my third day of work he was VISIBLY perky and fine and Poly suggested calling him Jesus because on the third day he rose again.... I settled on J-fish. Now the other day I found out HE is a girl. (That's not the first time that has happened in my life. Oy. But with a fish, yeah.) I have a clever new name based on the name of the company and I hope I don't miss the naming contest (while I am working from home this week in and around my next chemo treatment) . I neeeeed to be the one to name that fish since I play with, uh, her every time I walk by, trailing my finger along the tank while she follows it and wags her fishy tail at me. Shut up. She does.

Catholicism

I am not a great Catholic. I don't say the rosary or go to confession and I don't really know all of the rules and prayers and... all I can say is that I married a Catholic, and he was happy in his church, and I started to go there, and it just slowly happened. I generally hide up in the choir loft and wish that certain things were different, like the manbased hierarchy and most definitely the abusive secrets and lies. But I love the music, especially the old Latin hymns, and I love this particular week of the liturgical year (between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday) because we sing and sing and some of my favorite ones get pulled out of the file cabinets every spring.

I have sweet friends in the choir loft who send me cards and call me honey when I drag my sorry self up there. Stanley winks at me and drops my solos down two steps so I can sing them. I have a dozen friends or so from school who have brought food to me while I have been in treatment. They are SO sweet and kind and encouraging and it's everything a Catholic school community should be sometimes.

Am I glad I went and sent my kids to Catholic school? Yes. They are consistently praised as good kids and have been surrounded by kind nurturing people who have expected good behavior and morals and volunteering and a host of other things. My daughter's high school teachers tell me repeatedly that they want to clone her. BECAUSE SHE LEARNED HOW TO BEHAVE in elementary school. She shows up at class and works hard and does what is expected of her. She doesn't put her makeup on in class or try to text or do some of the other nonsense she describes to me (after seeing it at school... like, um, a girl peed in another girl's shoes to get even with her for some stupid thing... wtf??? who DOES that???) I'm not painting myself as a better parent than ones who chose public school. To me the line of "do you care about your kid and expect them to behave and do what they're supposed to do?" is so much more important. Because are there some idiot parents and misbehaving kids in my son's school? Hell yeah. But as I said, I have some wonderful friends there who are being very supportive right now.

Weddings

Oh, hell. That's my first reaction. Weddings are expensive. They are generally for the families, to stand around and sniffle and see time racing by, and not so much for the bride and groom, who can be too shell shocked and overwhelmed to really enjoy the day. Occasionally the wedding is for a spoiled little snotty bride, to show off and be even more greedy than usual. I think about the amount of stress my sister in law went through to have a "small" family wedding (about 40 people in the room) and to me, she had to do almost as much work as if she'd had 200. She had the dress the flowers the dj the photos the invites the cocktail hour and on and on and on. Am I jaded??? I don't think so; I watch Say Yes to the Dress often, and vow to be a good mom when my daughter is picking her dress, and let her pick the one she loves most, and I am looking forward to her dress shopping someday.

I am encouraging my sister to elope. Or, possibly, wait until I am well enough to travel down there and let my daughter be her bridesmaid in a REALLY simple wedding at the church. The kind with no invitations or programs or anything like that. So there. I think we're on the same page. She doesn't even want a bouquet right now. Definitely not a white overdone poooofy dress.

i-pod

I love my ipod. It got me through the last year of my former job. I would play one particular track, an hour long recording of ocean waves, whenever I needed to focus and get some true work accomplished on a longer project. Sitting in the middle of cubeville with people using speakerphones constantly, I depended on having something to block out the voices.

Right now my ipod is tucked away. I can't really run right now. Maybe some people can while they're in the middle of chemo, but I was not really running regularly BEFORE I got diagnosed being that it was cold and almost Christmas and I make a lot of excuses.

My iPhone has really helped me get through the last 3 months. It was something of a consolation prize for being sick, but it was a great distraction while I waited for my first appointment with the surgeon. I bought app after app. (Most were actually free). In and around my surgeries, I read books on the Kindle app, played casino games, and even started a Twitter account. I am ashamed and amused by some of the really lame celebrities I follow, but it is entertainment, a distraction. Do not measure me as a human being by what I read on Twitter, or I'm sunk. More importantly, whenever I am feeling less than fabulous, I put a message on Facebook, and I get texts all day long from my supportive friends. It's awesome.

Enough? Enough.

Buzz goes the bumblebee

Sunday night I put on a black tshirt to sleep in. A few minutes later I went out and said something to Suzy and noticed hairs all over my shirt. Suzy and the Mr were very kind about it, but I was exhausted and went in to bed may or may not have cried myself to sleep. You'd have to do a calculation of exhausted vs depressed and see which one actually multiplied out to... whatever.

Monday morning I fixed my hair in the usual way, (haven't even been blowdrying it lately, just air dry, finger comb, and put in styling paste.) There was hair all over the sink. I was grumpy all the way to work; Suzy was driving me so that she could use my car while she was in town. She went into CVS to get me a bottle of water so I could take some medicines, and got me a "Masked Sponge" SpongeBob doll and told me to throw it at anyone who bugged me. I had a vision of the cape flying behind him as he sailed through the air, and that helped.

I texted my friend who owns a salon and told her that every time I scratched my head I came away with 5 - 10 strands of broken hair. I was at work, feeling very self conscious. Droid J sits three feet to my immediate right and is very painfully shy and quiet and does not talk to me or to the other Droids hardly at all. Scratch, flick hair onto the floor. Die of "mortified". Wait a few minutes. Repeat.

The hair strands were very brittle and dry, because all the hair is dying. Yes it will come back later this year. But it's dying now.

So all day I was wiping away tears and sniffling and blowing my nose from time to time, in a shared office that is as quiet as that tomb that Geraldo cracked into on live tv. It was fabulous.
Around 230 Droid K, who has the serious medical issues of his own leaned back so he could see around my monitor and said "how ya doing?" Bless his heart. They don't know me well, and they're trying to be nice, and trying to balance that with not sticking their nose in my business. So I said "pretty crappy, my hair is falling out". He was kind, saying something along the lines of Yeah, my sister went through that too, with a sincere sigh of empathy. Ten million points for the Droids, in the bank.

I met SB at her salon just before four. At that point I was pretty much sniffled out and since my son was there, I was less inclined to cave into the weepy mode AGAIN. We actually took before and after photos.

She didn't shave me shiny bald; she just clipped with the clipper on medium, and then on lower setting. When she started I found myself with my hands clenched tightly together and my eyes nailed shut. After a few seconds I realized the point of no return was past, and I opened my eyes. I don't see well at all without my glasses so I didn't have to watch myself going bald. I tried to keep the shower of falling tiny bits of hair out of my eyes and nose. What a MESS. What a freaking, miserable, lousy mess. The razor was warm and very uncomfortable on my already itchy and irritated skin. I kept inhaling hair fuzzies. What a delight.

My son said "hey, it looks like mine" referring to when he gets a summer buzz cut... that helped a little, to know that he wasn't sobbing in the corner. He has been distressed about me losing my hair and people staring at me.

We took a few pictures of my buzz cut, just with our cell phones. There's a picture of me smiling, and you would think the whole thing was a breeze. I cropped it and played with it in a couple of iphone apps, and may or may not put it on here.

Then I put my wig on, and took a few more pictures. The bangs were all over the place and I look at the one picture now and think "I put THAT on facebook and people were very kind. What a mess!" So later I put another picture out there. I got dozens of replies. My friends were very sweet.

So the thing I have dreaded most after surgery is behind me. I have to slog forward now (I really need to get to work....) and next week is - yay - another round. But then I'll be half done. I am approaching this as something like labor, you have to do it, get through it, get it done. But I am tired today and it's rainy and I am grumpy!! Really, really need to leave for work.

Sunday art

Played with my colored pencils tonight while we watched basketball,
basketball, basketball... these are actually little tiny squares of
watercolor paper that I picked up. So it's about 2x3", which is why
some of the coloring is heavy handed.

This is for my friend, Ethel. We were in elementary school together,
and somewhere along the line she moved to Atlanta.

Around a year ago I joined Facebook. I started connecting with friends
I worked with 20 years ago, and of course high school classmates.

Ethel and I got back in touch around October or so. We were diagnosed
at almost the same time. Funny, but not.

Every day Ethel writes words of Praise in her FB status and she has
been unwavering. So I think she will like the painting since Easter is
coming up soon.

We write back and forth at all hours of the day while we recover from
surgery, go in and out of the ER, and try to deal with chemo. She has
already shaved her hair; I'm not quite there yet.

I'm quite fortunate to have Ethel, Poly, Carol, and my neighbor Linda
to help me navigate all of this. I can only hope that I can be half as
reassuring when it's my turn.

Real

Sometimes when you are sick with a stomach bug or whatever
(:::cough::: chemo) you get to the point where you are convinced you
might possibly not ever be able to eat real food. Again. Ever.

That's where I was, around midweek. Thinking that dairy and tomato
sauce might be out of the question for a couple of months. And a
hundred other things except for chicken soup and the starchy foods
recommended by some of my friends via Twitter.

Chicken soup. I can live on chicken soup, right ? I accepted that
thought. Reluctantly, but with "it could be worse".

Then yesterday my friend, another one of my cooking angels, brought
over this crazy dinner of breaded chicken cutlets fried in olive oil,
ravioli, and simple homemade tomato sauce. She more or less said
"maybe we can get some real food into you and you'll feel better". My
brain said "don't do that". My stomach suddenly popped back into its
socket and said "hey... Uh, let's have a little". I had a kiddie
portion, and sat on the couch and waited to be sorry. Stomach said
"more please". I was deeee-lighted. Good stuff! Simple homemade food.
Real.

Today I went to work for a while and had more Good Stuff for lunch.
Not wanting to rock the boat, at work.

Around 2:30 my sister kidnapped me and took me to a bar. Obviously I
wasn't about to drink but she and her fiancée (!!!! Big fun here last
night!!!) were celebrating with friends and it was about 70 and sunny
and wonderful on the patio. Listening the the group of people
laughing and joking and feeling the sun warm my back was bliss. I even
stole 3 glorious sips of beer.

The evening continued with the Boyfriend, now known as Future Brother
In Law, teaching my son how to make this insanely good grilled salmon
with a maple soy sauce glaze. YUM! I feel *normal* tonight. Really.

I've fallen

And I can't get up ;-)

Finally feeling good and it's 55* out so I am taking a short walk.

Plan B

Buffered by my cheerful doctor, who told me my chemo will be low toxicity, and some other things I vaguely remember equating to "mild", I had assumed that I would go in for chemo, hang out the rest of the week at home feeling not great, and then be back at work bright and early the following Monday morning.

Yesterday at 5:45 the alarm went off and I got in the shower... and almost fainted.

To be fair, the pain meds I started taking on Friday irritated my stomach so much that I basically ended up not being able to eat... anything... without it going, going, gone.... and maybe it's not a great idea for me to jump out of bed and right into the shower on an empty stomach for the time being.

The one thing I seemed to be at peace with on Saturday and Sunday was a little bit of chicken broth, and perhaps a few bites of the noodles and actual chicken.

This lead to yesterday which found me me weeping on the couch at 6:00 a.m., barely able to open my eyes, and telling Mr. that "I just can't do it." I was exhausted, shaky, and figured out a little while later I've dropped 7 lbs in one week. I have it to spare, but ohgeezthatswaytoofast. (of course he absolutely did want me to stay home... I am just worried about the money, the money, the money.)

SO I called in the sympathy card, and begged my mother to come and make white rice. I emailed my boss and worked out a plan for Mr. to get me a Mac book from her office and a CD to start testing. Did a little bit of work last night, because sweet monkey that rice was THE BEST RICE IN THE UNIVERSE. It made me feel good, it gave me energy; it was just a sunshiny ball of rice goodness.

I am taking it slow and working from home for a day or two, and then we'll see what happens. But the sun is shining and if I can fine tune my approach the next time, and the time after that, well then I will only have one more time. Right? right. Four times.

NOW I feel sick

Somehow for most of the last 3 months I have been able to keep my head
in the sand and feel "not bad".

Don't get me wrong. The surgery HURT, given the lovely 4" incisions
and the resulting cramped muscles, and moving weirdly because you
can't just "sit up" is not big fun. But that seemed more of an
isolated event(s) than "I have a major illness". I had surgery, the
cuts got better, except for one, then we dealt with that one.

But I knew that chemo would be harder, and of course it is. I am
exquisitely grateful not to have vomited - let me assure you. THAT was
my main fear. Puking all the way home, all afternoon, all night... I
was dreading and expecting it despite assurances that my chemo would
be low dose.

Instead of the puking I have a smorgasboard of various things. I get
lovely steroid rashes that look and feel like instant sunburn on my
face and neckline. They come, they go. The steroids keep me awake and
restless. They work against me in the Jedi mind battle I'm in with my
digestive system's traffic lights.

The day I got chemo I went to a treatment room in my doctor's offices.
The nurse with the same name as my daughter and the same birthday as
me started my IV. You know from Happy Happy Fight, my manicurist
story, that I was ALL ABOUT happy little signs that morning.

They gave me Benadryl and Prilosec or something like it, and my
morning dose of steroid. The benadryl made me drowsy and so I pulled
my red blanket up to my chin. I snoozed while Mr. sat by, going half
insane. It's not easy on the people who stand by.

I'm happy that I slept because it kept me from watching the poison
drip down into my veins for the next hour. The nurse changed the bag,
to give me the second drug. I played on my iPhone and ate cheese and
crackers. The IV came out, and I had a passing wave of "that's it?
Really?" - I was free to go.

I went home and had half of a sandwich. Felt nothing. Scratched my
arm, just a little absentminded swipe at something there, and it
started to bleed. Oops.

The next day I got the neulasta shot. My friend came to pick me up
with her daughter in tow. They had brought me on Monday as well -
Little A had taken my hand and walked so sweetly down the hall with me
to the reception area, and then colored while I went back got my
bloodwork drawn. When they picked me up on Wednesday she had worn one
of her prettiest dresses for me. Again we walked down the hospital
hall, hand in hand. While I went to check in she had a Mood and took
off one shoe and laid on the floor.

The Neulasta stings. One of the nurses injected it into a fatty area
on the back of my arm. I knew all this extra weight would be helpful
someday. Heh.

The chemo was already giving me sort of a weird mouth taste. I can
only decribe it as "you burned your mouth on hot food, and now you're
drinking milk that may or may not be spoiled."

Steroids kept me from sleeping Tuesday night or wednesday night. Being
a zombie is not conducive to working from home.

Friday around four a.m. the aching started. Neulasta stimulates white
blood cell production in bones. Achy, achy bones.

I now feel like I was thrown down a flight of stairs. And I am trying
to find foods that work for me, being both appealing and ok with my
stomach, to cushion the irritation from the advil and/ or Tylenol that
I'm taking for the pain. I'm struggling with that a little - d made me
soup, and one sniff made me reject it. Yikes.

My head itches. The itching hurts. That, assume, is the hair dying.
Daily I look into the little shower mirror, and tug a test strand near
my face, waiting. It will be the low point, I'm sure.

But then I will keep moving forward somehow, because you see, I am
really much too stubborn to die right about now from this mess. So the
only was out is to go through.

First down

So, I managed to get through chemo this morning with no problems. I am
feeling ok, just a headache. To be fair, they did give me a few things
to hold off side effects so I may go a little downhill from here but
it's not bad right now.

This is an accidental click of the blanket... I took a nice nap when
the benadryl kicked in

Oh look

He left me some wine. I think.....

Good morning

Why hello steroids; I certainly never thought I'd be taking these.
(But then, I never thought I would spend four grand fixing up my
boobs, either). I guess I will go outside and see if I can hit some
home runs later....

Oh look, I still have Christmas plates in my cupboard. I watched THE
OSCARS so it must be almost spring, right? CYO basketball is almost
over so I will have my helpers back soon.

Hated SJP's dress. Loved Cameron Diaz. The Precious women looked
beautiful in those blues (except Mariah needs to stop acting like
she's 17). I saw a chinchilla scarf at the benefit Saturday night that
came to mind when I saw ZS in that purple dress...

No time for more; things to do people!

(Dear boss, I promise to do some work from home after my appointment
today and only bill for what I truly do. Thank you for giving me so
much room to deal with this other junk. )

Suzy is coming for a visit next week - cue the cheering crowds. I need
help with the piles of clutter everywhere here.

Clearly

... I should have left my credit card home today.

My sister in law treated me to a manicure (along w my daughter) and
then we did a little bit of shopping. Got some cute dragonflies -
earrings and a barrette I am going to somehow put on a scarf or a hat.
Plus a cute coat that was under $20. Nice.

While my daughter is getting a 'do for tonight (black tie dinner we
all go to every year) I am covering my gray roots one last time. I am
sick of looking at them and thinking "they look bad. But my hair is
going to fall out. " So damn the MasterCard, full speed ahead.

Hey y'all

Visit my dear friend Jen's Etsy store...

http://www.etsy.com/shop/jenaissance

Updates

They cleaned the tank at work and scrubbed off whatever was growing on
the walls. J-fish looks happier and perky.

The fountain in the lobby got filled. It turned green (from pennies
thrown in???). They turned it off. Then they added PLENTY of chlorine.
The pennies are still there. I am sure someone said "I wish this damn
fountain would just work " while they threw in a coin.

Chemo starts next week. My son is scared. I am pretending some other
girl is going to do it. That's better than the other day when I was
driving to work and called my friend sobbing. I love my friends. Some
cook for me. Some drive me places. Others just listen when I need
them. All are wonderful.

Suzy is going to visit soon. Yaaaaay.

This weekend we go to the big benefit dinner with tons of chocolate.
Yawn. But there will be champagne! I'll be saying goodbye to all
things like wine for a while. But not to this blog (hopefully) - I
will plan to keep posting.

I have cool friends part 542

My friend Carol sent me a chemo kit.... How sweet! And warm! I love
it. She also tucked in some moisturizer. ( I'm thinking that given the
amount I use normally, I will now need to dip myself in a big vat on a
daily basis.)

She warned me that sometimes the treatment area is cold... so this
will be going with me next Tuesday. (mr C will probably have eaten the
last of the truffles by then)

Thanks Carol!

Temporary home

(Carrie Underwood's song "temporary home" is stuck in my head...)

I like my job. I recently had a whiff of a possible opportunity to go
back to the place I used to work. I don't think I will pursue it,
because I was very unhappy there, and don't want to go through being
laid off all over again.

And I like my job. There are things I miss, like covered parking and
lunch at a big table of laughing friends. But I don't miss the angst
of a company where re- orgs are frequent. Or the shitty traffic on the
drive in.

Every week I am learning a new topic (I know how to drive a tractor
trailer now, y'all) and I am damn good at finding typos, formattig
errors, and sloppy programming. One of the project managers called me
"too good" the other day. (I found problems with something previously
tested. The developer wanted to know why we didn't find the problems
in the last round. I said "I just got here". She knew I was kidding
- Heh.)

The people I'm working with are very nice to me, and they're allowing
me to navigate my good days and bad days and appointments without a
hassle.

And my J-fish is still alive and I still talk to him. :)

When I start to worry about whether the work is "hard enough" (which
goes to money) or about not having a cubicle of my own, or the fact
that I'm "just a temp" I remind myself that this is for now, and that
I can figure out later when later comes around.

Getting wiggy

So tonight I went with out with my friend. The same friend took me to
Happy Happy Fight for a manicure the day I got my diagnosis.

She made an appointment took me to a posh strip mall to try on wigs.
It won't be long before I'm rocking a cue ball and this makes Carly
Mucho sad.

We walked in and the woman who fits wigs took us to the back room. And
can I tell you ? I did not want to look like her. She had black hair.
Well, it was black on the top half and blonde on the bottom half. I
was not a fan of her lipstick either. Wrongity wrong color.

She left the room and I turned to my friend and said "seriously? Are
you punking me? Who is that girl?"

I need to not mock her any more because she was really great at her
job and helped me find something that looks very cute on me. It's
short and flippy with chunky highlights. My Facebook friends approve.

For laughs I tried on a very long, straight reddish wig. I sent a pic
to my daughter's phone and she sent back "I love you and all that jazz
but NO ". I sent it to my sister and she said
"that's ....interesting ...". Awesome.

I was frustrated because the woman who normally cuts my hair didn't
seem to understand that I wanted to be with my friend. I tried to talk
to her about ordering the one I had liked and she said it wasn't a
good line, people didn't like it, I should buy some scarves and so on.
I want hair!!! I don't want to be noticed at work by people I don't
know, with a scarf. I fucking want hair.

So my friend is going to help me order the wig, because I feel like I
need to do what makes ME happyhappy right now

I bought some stuff from Headcovers.com... For weekends and around the
house and so on. Soft little hats I can sew dragonfly iron-ons to..
And a denim hat, just something cute for Mia Porcha so I don't scare
my son, till he is used to the cue ball.

That's it, that's all... If you want to see the funny wig, you can
wade through my endless Twitters @Carlyq80 ...

Tulips

See? All I wanted to do was look at the tulips. Really. ;-)

I know, I need to stop posting scribbled out pictures. (Is there a
website to analyze why I always doodle flowers?)

Ooh. I have to go draw a dragonfly.

Roses

These roses won't wilt.

My bad

It's called "glow painter pro" just in case you're interested.

Today I went to the dentist; my hygenist has known me a long time and
hugged me when she heard my news. The dentist was very nice too. How
does a Snarly girl like me have so much good Karma ?

I also looke at wigs and cute hats online. Headcovers.com has some
appealing stuff and some "Oh my gosh No" items too.

App of the day

Glow paint. Ooh. Ahh. iPhone.

Uh oh

I hate winter. And I'm really not happy that after dreading chemo
class for a few days now it is postponed. Oy.

It's snowing like crazy. Hopefully this week will be it and winter
will go away leave me alone. Kthanks.

Ps: Trish, can you email me that pattern at Carlyq80 at gmail dot com?
Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Smart

My kid is smart, but maybe not the way I'd prefer. ("plow the driveway
")

Sunday art

I bought this stuff at Michael's... It came with the six watercolor
pencils, the practice sheets with yellow outlines to "help"/ cheat,
and a book explaining how to use the watercolor pigment pencils. (I
bought some Reeves pencils too, which are there at the top, but the
main set was General's.)

It migt be a little bit "paint by number" but I had a good time. I
will "dabble" a little bit more. Heh.

Church today went well. Some of my choir friends helped ease my
worries about being bald and then gray... It's nice to have a few
extra moms taking care of me! I was glad I went as my normal alto
partner was AWOL so Stanley really needed me. We don't have as many
people as we used to. (Icky Dick seems to be snowbirding right now...
Lucky you P if you run into HIM. Feel free to run *over* him).

Moody

Mooody. Don't want to DO this. Of course, who DOES want chemo ? My
medical bills have topped $80,000 already. Thank god, my portion is
"only" about 4k.

I can't imagine doing this without the safety nets I have, fiscally
and emotionally. People have brought us food and sent me cards and
gifts. I got an American Cancer society cookbook yesterday from one of
my college roommates. It's got recipes to deal with the various side
effects that I could have.

I am really dreading the hair. My son asked last night while I
'tucked him in' if I would be bummed "if you lose your hair". I said,
well, I'm definitely going to, and yes I'm really bummed. I kicked
myself a few minutes later for not following with "but it will grow
back". But there's a guy at work who has a newly shaved head and I
pass by and see him and wonder how the ridges and bumps on my noggin
will look to my kids. And how many times I will swelter in a stupid
wig. I figure I'll be bald most of the summer.

I'm doubly frustrated because "it will grow back." BFD.... it won't
look at all like MY hair when it does grow back. You can't really
color your hair for a long time, according to my oncologist, it's too
fragile and it could all break off again. So I am going to look old
and gray when I stop wearing a wig, and I hate that. The one girly
luxury I have always had is that since the first grays appeared,
before I was even 25, I have colored my hair and always gotten
compliments on it.

So, that's the current grump. But it beats cellulitis, which omg you
DONT want to google just because your/my doctor mentions that's what
I REALLY had when I went for my little ambulance ride to the ER when
I had my incision open. Can. Not. Erase. Pictures. From. Brain.

Why hello

I've missed you. Let's go take my new friend ("my baby", the iPhone )
out to the garage where the treadmill is....

Geez

I haven't posted lately. Sorry! I average a whopping number of readers every day (not) ... but I appreciate all of you stopping by!

Things are progressing. I got the surgical drain out. It's nice to look down at myself and not see any form of open wound. FINALLY. My level of anxiety about it has dropped considerably. But... it's not looking great. Let's just say it's NOTICEABLE that a chunk was taken out.... the size of a walnut... in the shell. But I have to laugh that the "pointer" now goes about 10 degrees off center. Laugh or cry, kiddies. I promise not to post ANY photos. And I'm quite certain I DON'T want any reconstructive surgery, thankyouverymuch.

Tuesday was another visit to Ye Old (well, my age) Oncologist. The plan is still the same. Four treatments, planned for three weeks apart. But my heart sank when he pulled up a chair and said "this is going to be a difficult conversation" and went through all the possible side effects of a controlled poisoning of little old me. I tried to let most of the " x, y, and z COULD happen" drift out of my head because he has assured me that my chemo will be low toxicity, and fairly tolerable, and so on. I just want it to be o-v-e-r. Now, please.

To be fair I did have an option to be much less aggressive and not have any chemo. But do you say to a surgeon, "Eh, don't wear gloves, just wash your hands" ?? No. In for a penny, in for a pound. Besides, having the chemo, he estimates drops me to only a 15% possibility of recurrence of breast cancer in my lifetime. Instead of 30%.

I also had a bookend option of about twice as much chemo, based on the fact that ONE lymph node had a few cells that had eked into it. I am not feeling the need to be SUPER aggressive. It seemed very much to me that he was strongly in favor of the middle of the road approach, and he even said so in so many words explaining that it was his duty to provide me all of the options, and that if it were his wife he would recommend the 4 / 3weeks option

We also talked about risks and, well, LIVING. As in, don't sit on the rocking chair and hide from the world. He literally said "Go OUT, take purell with you everywhere and do things to keep your spirits up." So that was nice to hear. I'm having trouble with that in a couple of relationships. I don't want to think about being sick all day every day and have people cross me off of plans automatically "because you're sick."

My friend (who had BC last year) posted about trying to remain YOU while you are in treatment and that explains my feelings well. I want to do the things I do, assuming I'm not tired or feverish on whatever day they roll around. I want to do art and sing and just not sit at home staring at myself saying "I'm sick."

The mirror is bothering me these days because I needed a trim to go back to work (I AM BACK TO WORK, KIDS!!! THE FISH IS STILL ALIVE...) and my hairdresser gave me a very short cut. I did give her permission to do it, and I understand her reason for asking to do that (it's an adjustment, and it will help me toward adjusting to having NO hair... and so on...) but when I see myself in the mirror I think "By St. Patrick's day or Easter I will be bald." My heart sinks. It looks pretty. But it looks sad to me too. Like when the leaves are beautiful colors in the fall, but you know it's just a matter of time till they're gone. And other dreck like that.

So I went back to work Wednesday (yesterday, but it seems like today was sooooo very long) ... my surgeon said it was fine and I was starting to feel bored and depressed from sitting home for four weeks, and broke... the first day I was disorganized, confused, and frustrated. And tired.

And I'm right back to zero with not having much in the way of conversation with the guys. They welcomed me back, of course, and were very nice about it. They're busy, that's all. I don't want to ask them to explain things to me that I know I CAN figure out, but I feel stupid muddling around in my current assignment. And my god, I would love to have a group of people to go have lunch with. This is the ultimate irony if you know me well enough to remember times I've said "I could NOT stand what X and Y were arguing about at lunch today...." at my old job. There were people in the group I really DID like going to lunch with, and I really miss them. (You. Not really Them. You know what I mean.)

So my plans are:

• another surgeon appointment next week just to be SURE this tater heals :::sigh::: but I do love my surgeon, she is awesome, so I don't mind all that much
• find new lunch friends for 3 or 4 days a week or reel my old faithfuls into some sort of regular rotations...
• chemo class... to learn ALL ABOUT what to expect :::thud::::
• more watercolor painting
• get a bunch of pictures ordered from Snapfish before I forget completely that I took 500,000 photos last year and never printed any
• trying at least one recipe from Pioneer Woman's cookbook before I start chemo
• going to the gala I go to every year that has the huge head table loaded with chocolate desserts (I will manage to get there JUST before my chemo starts)
• delete all my ipod playlists because they are a disorganized mess, and start over (too many are named AaaNew list and so on...)
• damn, my car needs an oil change which SOMEHOW I FORGOT IN DECEMBER.
• more books on Kindle - Water for Elephants was awesome

I think that will keep me busy....

Dear fish

Really? Today????

Really

... It's better to CLEAN OFF YOUR DESK first so that you have room to
work. What a mess!!!

Ps: bought watercolor pencils and can't wait to try them. If I can
manage not to lose them in this quagmire!

When making cards

For V Day at the last minute....

So

I'm thinking I will get a wig like this once I go bald ... No?

Found art

Today I snuck out of the house alone for the first time in weeks. I
took myself to lunch and then over to wander around Michael's, where I
found this little suprise just sitting quietly on a roll of paper near
a display of colored pencils. I think I know the guy on the
picture. ;-)

Feeling better

I planted some bulbs last fall and found a few strays after I cleaned
everything up. They are looking promising.

I am feeling MUCH better. Hoping to go see Stanley and the rest of the
choir this weekend.

May actually go back to work next week- so you know I am feeling better!

Go west

This is Nikki Yanofsky, a 16-year-old Canadian singer, with a video of her Olympic theme song. A little schmaltz to stir in your morning coffee, but some of the scenery is really beautiful.

I almost moved to Oregon/ Seattle 20 years ago... my company had large data centers out there at the time. Sometimes I still wonder how things would have turned out for me, if I had.

But yay, the Olympics are starting tomorrow.*




*Or in other words, "thank god there's finally going to be something different on tv for a little while...I am so cabin-feverish..."

The exciting life I lead

Today I hung out on the couch all day. My incision feels like someone
clomped over my body wearing cleats or an old style set of
rollerskates. But I'm happy that the surgery is done.

My pc is not happy. Noton seems to have it all effed up. Irony, yes?
The CPU is just cranking away all day long. I wish it would behave!

One of the highlights of my day was seeing my friend's cute little
daughter. She only came in for a minute but I got a bunch of hugs. The
other day (hmmm, what day is it?) she had her tonsils and adenoids out
AND she got ear tubes. I sent her over some stickers and stencils and
stuff and she made me an early Valentine. Squeeeeeeee! She's so darn
cute.

The other highlight was cheeeeeeesecake. The real deal. Yum!

I have an exciting evening of tv ahead. Zzzzzz.

Answers

Got this off Jorge Garcia's blog...

And boy did it give me a headache... every week I try to explain to my son that I can't answer his questions... how do I just know that there will be three movies after the tv series "wraps up" ????

A giant dubya tee eff

Why does the Stupor Bowl insist on rolling out old farts for the
halftime show??? Seriously. Why not someone young and now and
exciting??? Not songs from when I was in highschool for crying out loud.

Pffft. Legends.

Things I hate about the iPhone

I love my new phone. I really do. But there are a couple of things
that make me curse it on a regular basis.

This post is brought to you by the letter "M". At least it would be if
I could consistently type an M. I use an "OtterBox" silicone sleeve to
keep from dropping the damn thing. (And have fun with the name. Kinda
like the joke, I don't have my cherry anymore but I still have the box
it came in. But what is Otter slang for? Wait, an otter reminds me of
a .... Can you believe they sell these right in the AT & T store with
a straight face?) ANYWAY, which leads to my next pet peeve, the edge
juts out right near the edges of the screen of the phone. I catch my
thumb on it and either miss the M alltogether or hit the backspace
key, which is in a stupid place.

I'm sure plenty of people have blogged about no delete key or caps
lock. How can I yell at the Internets? Grrr.

The thing that drives me more consistently crazy is the auto rotate.
It spins when I don't want it to (like if I am lying on my side trying
to read, sometimes it flicks over and back if I don't hold the phone
just right) and there are times and apps I've said to myself, ok, flop
dammit, and it just doesn't. :::cue urge to test just how well
OtterBox protects phone, by flinging against wall:::

Given that I'm sleeping with it most nights, I wish the cord were much
longer. I need the iZenGarden to help me sleep (think waterfall or
rain or ocean waves) and it's hard to explain that visualizing
actually BEING in a beach house would be easier if the beach/ phone
weren't 2" from my head because the plug on the wall is in line with
my ear.

Also I would like to organize my pictures into folders. When I went to
the ER I handed the phone to my daughter and said "DONT mess with it
". Being a teenager she immediately messed with it. Hah, joke's on you
kid. There are pictures on there of my incisions because... I don't
know why. But she found them. ::::thud::: You should not see your
mom's ta-ta cut up and patched with purple surgical glue. I'm working
on finding a good therapist for her now.

My friend assures me that she too felt like takig pictures of her
scar. In her case it looked like an orchid leaf. Mine had a bruise
below it that looked like a Budweiser crown. But still, I'm sorry
kiddo! But hey, maybe if you did what I told you? ;-)

Stolen

I have totally and completely stolen this from Grace over at Have You
Met Me. She is awesome and I love the graphics she designs for her
blog with quotable quotes. Stay warm Grace!

Moving forward

Finally today I had a GOOD day. The surgeon told me that she will fix my incision, and clear out the one remaining margin that was found in post op lab work, and that is all. There was a possibility of more nodes being removed under my right arm, and that is off the table now. I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

So I will have a procedure Tuesday that will be MUCH less involved than my original surgery. Then it will be on to healing, and doing chemo and radiation - it seems like the plan is still what I discussed with my oncologist and I think I can get through it ok. Bald, but ok.

I want you to know that I read your comments... I may not have 5,000 readers a day but I know many of my readers by name, and I like that. Any comments left come to me on my phone via email almost right after they're left for me, and I appreciate it SO MUCH when someone supports or encourages me.

I do agree with the advice to think about OTHER things besides cancer. I am working on learning photoshop (a friend of mine gave me access to the Kelby videos, which is awesome). I have the new Alton Brown and Ace of Cake books that I haven't really delved into, and I have a bunch of sheet music along with a piano and a guitar sitting here. Now that I don't have to look for a job I can tinker around when the kids aren't home. I hope to go back to work soon, and they have been awesome as well.

I saw someone being quoted about social media destroying our privacy. I have always felt that it is my job to only put things out on the internet that I am comfortable with ANYONE seeing. (...or to use a damn secret id, hahahaha.)

I have found Facebook to be a great way for me to reach out for support and encouragement when I need it most - whether it was the day I was depressed about my job hunt and posted "I need a hug, and a job" and got instant comments boosting me up, or the day I frantically sent messages to half of my friends with news I couldn't say out loud for days. A laugh and / or words of support are only as far away as my phone, and that is very comforting considering the amount of time I have spent alone in this house in the past year.

One last thing - how awesome was P!nk on the Grammy's ?One of my favorite songs ever, in an amazing acrobatic routine. If you have not seen that performance, GO AND FIND IT.... preferably on iTunes.

Checking in

Over the last few days I had a brief hospital stay for iv antibiotics.
I have now officially lost count of the number of people who have seen
my boobs, what day of the week it is, and even the month, for that
matter.

Sunday morning I woke up early, read a little, and then my incision
decided to open and let out high volumes of what via my vast medical
expertise i will simply call gunk. Nnnnnnot a good thing. The
Budweiser crown-shaped bruise had broken up, and there was an
infection, so I thought I was bleeding heavily and the end result was
two EMTs walking me out to an ambulance stretcher on a freezing
morning, kids crying, and the beginning of reciting my name and
birthdate 12,000 times.

(It was helpful to call my surgeon's service because they called ahead
to the ER and the admission process went very smoothly. I hope you
never need that handy hint)

I was fairly calm during the drama part. Still there was one point
after the ER surgeon had treated me (thanks for not waiting for the
morphine to kick in, you savage bastard) Mr. C held my hand while I
sobbed because I want to be normal again; I want to go to church that
morning and sing, and go to work this week and see my fish, and not
visit doctors and play What Next ?

I am grateful to the visiting nurses who will come twice a day for a
while to tend to this, so that I don't have to stay in the hospital.
Even if the first visit did take almost 3 hours. My friends seriously
need to build them a workflow app for all the initial paperwork.

I am grateful to my friends who came to see me and sit on my bed and
hold my hand and remind me that they love me, bad hairdo and all.

I am grateful that I slept well in my own bed last night, showered,
and ate nice food on my couch today.

And I am grateful for naps. I get plenty of 'em.