Meme me, me

Poly did a Meme, this thing where she selects five words that make her think of you and then you must then hold forth on said words, or topics surrounding said words. Look, I'm already plagiarizing her. Parenthetically, she has been an awesome friend, even before The Other C word, and in spades now as I bitch privately to her about this aspect or that. So, no further ado...

Showering

Hmmm. This one could go either way, and I know one reader who would want it to. (Yes, You. Behave. )

My mornings have always started out with a shower. When you get up at 5:45 and you stay up all too often until 11 pm, it's a convenient jump start. Hot water is therapy for my achy back and neck and wakes me up nicely. Thus the morning that I almost passed out in the shower recently made me doubly sad. I have had so many disruptions to things that I do, that thinking I would have to start eating breakfast all achy and half awake BEFORE my shower just made me pissy.

The shower is unfortunately now also forced time to contemplate my surface effects. I am, what do you call it in scrapbooking? Distressed. Not me, my skin. Roughed up. I look at the four scars in their purply-red state, and try to remind myself to put scar cream on them later even though I know I will forget. I am glad that they are healed now, and I don't have to cover this one or that one with blue press-n-seal Glad Wrap to keep the water off them (which never worked anyway). I bend over and I notice the dent carved out of the one side.

For days I scrubbed my scalp gently with my fingertips to try to loosen as many as the buzzed hairs as possible. I rinsed them off me, off the shower walls, the shower curtain. They were everywhere. My expensive shampoo for colored hair is put away now, and I use Dove. Doves mean peace, don't they? I'm still not at peace with the GI Jane staring back at me from the shower mirror. I don't recognize her as "me".

Yesterday I spent over 20 minutes carefully shaving away as much of the stubble as I could, using a clean new razor (terrified I'd cut myself and bleed like a stuck pig) and looking at myself in the plastic mirror hanging in the shower. I didn't do a great job on the back, but the annoyance of feeling that brush cut fight against the wig is vastly improved.

J-fish

The day I started my "temp job" I noticed a peculiar white-orange fish about as big as my hand in a large, poorly maintained tank in the lobby by the elevator on my floor by the elevators. He was not looking all that perky and I swear his mouth is crooked like he has had a stroke. Hiding down behind the rocks, generally looking like his tide was ebbing away.

One of the Droids mentioned that he looked like he was on the bottom and seemed to be dying, and that the fish in that tank always died, and I was really fucking depressed by that. Keep in mind I hadn't even had my first surgery yet so EVERYTHING was looming over me and I really didn't need a damn fish dying and floating in the water to boot because who is going to take care of my son's fish at home and if THEY die will he freak out ?

On my third day of work he was VISIBLY perky and fine and Poly suggested calling him Jesus because on the third day he rose again.... I settled on J-fish. Now the other day I found out HE is a girl. (That's not the first time that has happened in my life. Oy. But with a fish, yeah.) I have a clever new name based on the name of the company and I hope I don't miss the naming contest (while I am working from home this week in and around my next chemo treatment) . I neeeeed to be the one to name that fish since I play with, uh, her every time I walk by, trailing my finger along the tank while she follows it and wags her fishy tail at me. Shut up. She does.

Catholicism

I am not a great Catholic. I don't say the rosary or go to confession and I don't really know all of the rules and prayers and... all I can say is that I married a Catholic, and he was happy in his church, and I started to go there, and it just slowly happened. I generally hide up in the choir loft and wish that certain things were different, like the manbased hierarchy and most definitely the abusive secrets and lies. But I love the music, especially the old Latin hymns, and I love this particular week of the liturgical year (between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday) because we sing and sing and some of my favorite ones get pulled out of the file cabinets every spring.

I have sweet friends in the choir loft who send me cards and call me honey when I drag my sorry self up there. Stanley winks at me and drops my solos down two steps so I can sing them. I have a dozen friends or so from school who have brought food to me while I have been in treatment. They are SO sweet and kind and encouraging and it's everything a Catholic school community should be sometimes.

Am I glad I went and sent my kids to Catholic school? Yes. They are consistently praised as good kids and have been surrounded by kind nurturing people who have expected good behavior and morals and volunteering and a host of other things. My daughter's high school teachers tell me repeatedly that they want to clone her. BECAUSE SHE LEARNED HOW TO BEHAVE in elementary school. She shows up at class and works hard and does what is expected of her. She doesn't put her makeup on in class or try to text or do some of the other nonsense she describes to me (after seeing it at school... like, um, a girl peed in another girl's shoes to get even with her for some stupid thing... wtf??? who DOES that???) I'm not painting myself as a better parent than ones who chose public school. To me the line of "do you care about your kid and expect them to behave and do what they're supposed to do?" is so much more important. Because are there some idiot parents and misbehaving kids in my son's school? Hell yeah. But as I said, I have some wonderful friends there who are being very supportive right now.

Weddings

Oh, hell. That's my first reaction. Weddings are expensive. They are generally for the families, to stand around and sniffle and see time racing by, and not so much for the bride and groom, who can be too shell shocked and overwhelmed to really enjoy the day. Occasionally the wedding is for a spoiled little snotty bride, to show off and be even more greedy than usual. I think about the amount of stress my sister in law went through to have a "small" family wedding (about 40 people in the room) and to me, she had to do almost as much work as if she'd had 200. She had the dress the flowers the dj the photos the invites the cocktail hour and on and on and on. Am I jaded??? I don't think so; I watch Say Yes to the Dress often, and vow to be a good mom when my daughter is picking her dress, and let her pick the one she loves most, and I am looking forward to her dress shopping someday.

I am encouraging my sister to elope. Or, possibly, wait until I am well enough to travel down there and let my daughter be her bridesmaid in a REALLY simple wedding at the church. The kind with no invitations or programs or anything like that. So there. I think we're on the same page. She doesn't even want a bouquet right now. Definitely not a white overdone poooofy dress.

i-pod

I love my ipod. It got me through the last year of my former job. I would play one particular track, an hour long recording of ocean waves, whenever I needed to focus and get some true work accomplished on a longer project. Sitting in the middle of cubeville with people using speakerphones constantly, I depended on having something to block out the voices.

Right now my ipod is tucked away. I can't really run right now. Maybe some people can while they're in the middle of chemo, but I was not really running regularly BEFORE I got diagnosed being that it was cold and almost Christmas and I make a lot of excuses.

My iPhone has really helped me get through the last 3 months. It was something of a consolation prize for being sick, but it was a great distraction while I waited for my first appointment with the surgeon. I bought app after app. (Most were actually free). In and around my surgeries, I read books on the Kindle app, played casino games, and even started a Twitter account. I am ashamed and amused by some of the really lame celebrities I follow, but it is entertainment, a distraction. Do not measure me as a human being by what I read on Twitter, or I'm sunk. More importantly, whenever I am feeling less than fabulous, I put a message on Facebook, and I get texts all day long from my supportive friends. It's awesome.

Enough? Enough.

Buzz goes the bumblebee

Sunday night I put on a black tshirt to sleep in. A few minutes later I went out and said something to Suzy and noticed hairs all over my shirt. Suzy and the Mr were very kind about it, but I was exhausted and went in to bed may or may not have cried myself to sleep. You'd have to do a calculation of exhausted vs depressed and see which one actually multiplied out to... whatever.

Monday morning I fixed my hair in the usual way, (haven't even been blowdrying it lately, just air dry, finger comb, and put in styling paste.) There was hair all over the sink. I was grumpy all the way to work; Suzy was driving me so that she could use my car while she was in town. She went into CVS to get me a bottle of water so I could take some medicines, and got me a "Masked Sponge" SpongeBob doll and told me to throw it at anyone who bugged me. I had a vision of the cape flying behind him as he sailed through the air, and that helped.

I texted my friend who owns a salon and told her that every time I scratched my head I came away with 5 - 10 strands of broken hair. I was at work, feeling very self conscious. Droid J sits three feet to my immediate right and is very painfully shy and quiet and does not talk to me or to the other Droids hardly at all. Scratch, flick hair onto the floor. Die of "mortified". Wait a few minutes. Repeat.

The hair strands were very brittle and dry, because all the hair is dying. Yes it will come back later this year. But it's dying now.

So all day I was wiping away tears and sniffling and blowing my nose from time to time, in a shared office that is as quiet as that tomb that Geraldo cracked into on live tv. It was fabulous.
Around 230 Droid K, who has the serious medical issues of his own leaned back so he could see around my monitor and said "how ya doing?" Bless his heart. They don't know me well, and they're trying to be nice, and trying to balance that with not sticking their nose in my business. So I said "pretty crappy, my hair is falling out". He was kind, saying something along the lines of Yeah, my sister went through that too, with a sincere sigh of empathy. Ten million points for the Droids, in the bank.

I met SB at her salon just before four. At that point I was pretty much sniffled out and since my son was there, I was less inclined to cave into the weepy mode AGAIN. We actually took before and after photos.

She didn't shave me shiny bald; she just clipped with the clipper on medium, and then on lower setting. When she started I found myself with my hands clenched tightly together and my eyes nailed shut. After a few seconds I realized the point of no return was past, and I opened my eyes. I don't see well at all without my glasses so I didn't have to watch myself going bald. I tried to keep the shower of falling tiny bits of hair out of my eyes and nose. What a MESS. What a freaking, miserable, lousy mess. The razor was warm and very uncomfortable on my already itchy and irritated skin. I kept inhaling hair fuzzies. What a delight.

My son said "hey, it looks like mine" referring to when he gets a summer buzz cut... that helped a little, to know that he wasn't sobbing in the corner. He has been distressed about me losing my hair and people staring at me.

We took a few pictures of my buzz cut, just with our cell phones. There's a picture of me smiling, and you would think the whole thing was a breeze. I cropped it and played with it in a couple of iphone apps, and may or may not put it on here.

Then I put my wig on, and took a few more pictures. The bangs were all over the place and I look at the one picture now and think "I put THAT on facebook and people were very kind. What a mess!" So later I put another picture out there. I got dozens of replies. My friends were very sweet.

So the thing I have dreaded most after surgery is behind me. I have to slog forward now (I really need to get to work....) and next week is - yay - another round. But then I'll be half done. I am approaching this as something like labor, you have to do it, get through it, get it done. But I am tired today and it's rainy and I am grumpy!! Really, really need to leave for work.

Sunday art

Played with my colored pencils tonight while we watched basketball,
basketball, basketball... these are actually little tiny squares of
watercolor paper that I picked up. So it's about 2x3", which is why
some of the coloring is heavy handed.

This is for my friend, Ethel. We were in elementary school together,
and somewhere along the line she moved to Atlanta.

Around a year ago I joined Facebook. I started connecting with friends
I worked with 20 years ago, and of course high school classmates.

Ethel and I got back in touch around October or so. We were diagnosed
at almost the same time. Funny, but not.

Every day Ethel writes words of Praise in her FB status and she has
been unwavering. So I think she will like the painting since Easter is
coming up soon.

We write back and forth at all hours of the day while we recover from
surgery, go in and out of the ER, and try to deal with chemo. She has
already shaved her hair; I'm not quite there yet.

I'm quite fortunate to have Ethel, Poly, Carol, and my neighbor Linda
to help me navigate all of this. I can only hope that I can be half as
reassuring when it's my turn.

Real

Sometimes when you are sick with a stomach bug or whatever
(:::cough::: chemo) you get to the point where you are convinced you
might possibly not ever be able to eat real food. Again. Ever.

That's where I was, around midweek. Thinking that dairy and tomato
sauce might be out of the question for a couple of months. And a
hundred other things except for chicken soup and the starchy foods
recommended by some of my friends via Twitter.

Chicken soup. I can live on chicken soup, right ? I accepted that
thought. Reluctantly, but with "it could be worse".

Then yesterday my friend, another one of my cooking angels, brought
over this crazy dinner of breaded chicken cutlets fried in olive oil,
ravioli, and simple homemade tomato sauce. She more or less said
"maybe we can get some real food into you and you'll feel better". My
brain said "don't do that". My stomach suddenly popped back into its
socket and said "hey... Uh, let's have a little". I had a kiddie
portion, and sat on the couch and waited to be sorry. Stomach said
"more please". I was deeee-lighted. Good stuff! Simple homemade food.
Real.

Today I went to work for a while and had more Good Stuff for lunch.
Not wanting to rock the boat, at work.

Around 2:30 my sister kidnapped me and took me to a bar. Obviously I
wasn't about to drink but she and her fiancée (!!!! Big fun here last
night!!!) were celebrating with friends and it was about 70 and sunny
and wonderful on the patio. Listening the the group of people
laughing and joking and feeling the sun warm my back was bliss. I even
stole 3 glorious sips of beer.

The evening continued with the Boyfriend, now known as Future Brother
In Law, teaching my son how to make this insanely good grilled salmon
with a maple soy sauce glaze. YUM! I feel *normal* tonight. Really.

I've fallen

And I can't get up ;-)

Finally feeling good and it's 55* out so I am taking a short walk.

Plan B

Buffered by my cheerful doctor, who told me my chemo will be low toxicity, and some other things I vaguely remember equating to "mild", I had assumed that I would go in for chemo, hang out the rest of the week at home feeling not great, and then be back at work bright and early the following Monday morning.

Yesterday at 5:45 the alarm went off and I got in the shower... and almost fainted.

To be fair, the pain meds I started taking on Friday irritated my stomach so much that I basically ended up not being able to eat... anything... without it going, going, gone.... and maybe it's not a great idea for me to jump out of bed and right into the shower on an empty stomach for the time being.

The one thing I seemed to be at peace with on Saturday and Sunday was a little bit of chicken broth, and perhaps a few bites of the noodles and actual chicken.

This lead to yesterday which found me me weeping on the couch at 6:00 a.m., barely able to open my eyes, and telling Mr. that "I just can't do it." I was exhausted, shaky, and figured out a little while later I've dropped 7 lbs in one week. I have it to spare, but ohgeezthatswaytoofast. (of course he absolutely did want me to stay home... I am just worried about the money, the money, the money.)

SO I called in the sympathy card, and begged my mother to come and make white rice. I emailed my boss and worked out a plan for Mr. to get me a Mac book from her office and a CD to start testing. Did a little bit of work last night, because sweet monkey that rice was THE BEST RICE IN THE UNIVERSE. It made me feel good, it gave me energy; it was just a sunshiny ball of rice goodness.

I am taking it slow and working from home for a day or two, and then we'll see what happens. But the sun is shining and if I can fine tune my approach the next time, and the time after that, well then I will only have one more time. Right? right. Four times.

NOW I feel sick

Somehow for most of the last 3 months I have been able to keep my head
in the sand and feel "not bad".

Don't get me wrong. The surgery HURT, given the lovely 4" incisions
and the resulting cramped muscles, and moving weirdly because you
can't just "sit up" is not big fun. But that seemed more of an
isolated event(s) than "I have a major illness". I had surgery, the
cuts got better, except for one, then we dealt with that one.

But I knew that chemo would be harder, and of course it is. I am
exquisitely grateful not to have vomited - let me assure you. THAT was
my main fear. Puking all the way home, all afternoon, all night... I
was dreading and expecting it despite assurances that my chemo would
be low dose.

Instead of the puking I have a smorgasboard of various things. I get
lovely steroid rashes that look and feel like instant sunburn on my
face and neckline. They come, they go. The steroids keep me awake and
restless. They work against me in the Jedi mind battle I'm in with my
digestive system's traffic lights.

The day I got chemo I went to a treatment room in my doctor's offices.
The nurse with the same name as my daughter and the same birthday as
me started my IV. You know from Happy Happy Fight, my manicurist
story, that I was ALL ABOUT happy little signs that morning.

They gave me Benadryl and Prilosec or something like it, and my
morning dose of steroid. The benadryl made me drowsy and so I pulled
my red blanket up to my chin. I snoozed while Mr. sat by, going half
insane. It's not easy on the people who stand by.

I'm happy that I slept because it kept me from watching the poison
drip down into my veins for the next hour. The nurse changed the bag,
to give me the second drug. I played on my iPhone and ate cheese and
crackers. The IV came out, and I had a passing wave of "that's it?
Really?" - I was free to go.

I went home and had half of a sandwich. Felt nothing. Scratched my
arm, just a little absentminded swipe at something there, and it
started to bleed. Oops.

The next day I got the neulasta shot. My friend came to pick me up
with her daughter in tow. They had brought me on Monday as well -
Little A had taken my hand and walked so sweetly down the hall with me
to the reception area, and then colored while I went back got my
bloodwork drawn. When they picked me up on Wednesday she had worn one
of her prettiest dresses for me. Again we walked down the hospital
hall, hand in hand. While I went to check in she had a Mood and took
off one shoe and laid on the floor.

The Neulasta stings. One of the nurses injected it into a fatty area
on the back of my arm. I knew all this extra weight would be helpful
someday. Heh.

The chemo was already giving me sort of a weird mouth taste. I can
only decribe it as "you burned your mouth on hot food, and now you're
drinking milk that may or may not be spoiled."

Steroids kept me from sleeping Tuesday night or wednesday night. Being
a zombie is not conducive to working from home.

Friday around four a.m. the aching started. Neulasta stimulates white
blood cell production in bones. Achy, achy bones.

I now feel like I was thrown down a flight of stairs. And I am trying
to find foods that work for me, being both appealing and ok with my
stomach, to cushion the irritation from the advil and/ or Tylenol that
I'm taking for the pain. I'm struggling with that a little - d made me
soup, and one sniff made me reject it. Yikes.

My head itches. The itching hurts. That, assume, is the hair dying.
Daily I look into the little shower mirror, and tug a test strand near
my face, waiting. It will be the low point, I'm sure.

But then I will keep moving forward somehow, because you see, I am
really much too stubborn to die right about now from this mess. So the
only was out is to go through.

First down

So, I managed to get through chemo this morning with no problems. I am
feeling ok, just a headache. To be fair, they did give me a few things
to hold off side effects so I may go a little downhill from here but
it's not bad right now.

This is an accidental click of the blanket... I took a nice nap when
the benadryl kicked in

Oh look

He left me some wine. I think.....

Good morning

Why hello steroids; I certainly never thought I'd be taking these.
(But then, I never thought I would spend four grand fixing up my
boobs, either). I guess I will go outside and see if I can hit some
home runs later....

Oh look, I still have Christmas plates in my cupboard. I watched THE
OSCARS so it must be almost spring, right? CYO basketball is almost
over so I will have my helpers back soon.

Hated SJP's dress. Loved Cameron Diaz. The Precious women looked
beautiful in those blues (except Mariah needs to stop acting like
she's 17). I saw a chinchilla scarf at the benefit Saturday night that
came to mind when I saw ZS in that purple dress...

No time for more; things to do people!

(Dear boss, I promise to do some work from home after my appointment
today and only bill for what I truly do. Thank you for giving me so
much room to deal with this other junk. )

Suzy is coming for a visit next week - cue the cheering crowds. I need
help with the piles of clutter everywhere here.

Clearly

... I should have left my credit card home today.

My sister in law treated me to a manicure (along w my daughter) and
then we did a little bit of shopping. Got some cute dragonflies -
earrings and a barrette I am going to somehow put on a scarf or a hat.
Plus a cute coat that was under $20. Nice.

While my daughter is getting a 'do for tonight (black tie dinner we
all go to every year) I am covering my gray roots one last time. I am
sick of looking at them and thinking "they look bad. But my hair is
going to fall out. " So damn the MasterCard, full speed ahead.

Hey y'all

Visit my dear friend Jen's Etsy store...

http://www.etsy.com/shop/jenaissance

Updates

They cleaned the tank at work and scrubbed off whatever was growing on
the walls. J-fish looks happier and perky.

The fountain in the lobby got filled. It turned green (from pennies
thrown in???). They turned it off. Then they added PLENTY of chlorine.
The pennies are still there. I am sure someone said "I wish this damn
fountain would just work " while they threw in a coin.

Chemo starts next week. My son is scared. I am pretending some other
girl is going to do it. That's better than the other day when I was
driving to work and called my friend sobbing. I love my friends. Some
cook for me. Some drive me places. Others just listen when I need
them. All are wonderful.

Suzy is going to visit soon. Yaaaaay.

This weekend we go to the big benefit dinner with tons of chocolate.
Yawn. But there will be champagne! I'll be saying goodbye to all
things like wine for a while. But not to this blog (hopefully) - I
will plan to keep posting.

I have cool friends part 542

My friend Carol sent me a chemo kit.... How sweet! And warm! I love
it. She also tucked in some moisturizer. ( I'm thinking that given the
amount I use normally, I will now need to dip myself in a big vat on a
daily basis.)

She warned me that sometimes the treatment area is cold... so this
will be going with me next Tuesday. (mr C will probably have eaten the
last of the truffles by then)

Thanks Carol!

Temporary home

(Carrie Underwood's song "temporary home" is stuck in my head...)

I like my job. I recently had a whiff of a possible opportunity to go
back to the place I used to work. I don't think I will pursue it,
because I was very unhappy there, and don't want to go through being
laid off all over again.

And I like my job. There are things I miss, like covered parking and
lunch at a big table of laughing friends. But I don't miss the angst
of a company where re- orgs are frequent. Or the shitty traffic on the
drive in.

Every week I am learning a new topic (I know how to drive a tractor
trailer now, y'all) and I am damn good at finding typos, formattig
errors, and sloppy programming. One of the project managers called me
"too good" the other day. (I found problems with something previously
tested. The developer wanted to know why we didn't find the problems
in the last round. I said "I just got here". She knew I was kidding
- Heh.)

The people I'm working with are very nice to me, and they're allowing
me to navigate my good days and bad days and appointments without a
hassle.

And my J-fish is still alive and I still talk to him. :)

When I start to worry about whether the work is "hard enough" (which
goes to money) or about not having a cubicle of my own, or the fact
that I'm "just a temp" I remind myself that this is for now, and that
I can figure out later when later comes around.

Getting wiggy

So tonight I went with out with my friend. The same friend took me to
Happy Happy Fight for a manicure the day I got my diagnosis.

She made an appointment took me to a posh strip mall to try on wigs.
It won't be long before I'm rocking a cue ball and this makes Carly
Mucho sad.

We walked in and the woman who fits wigs took us to the back room. And
can I tell you ? I did not want to look like her. She had black hair.
Well, it was black on the top half and blonde on the bottom half. I
was not a fan of her lipstick either. Wrongity wrong color.

She left the room and I turned to my friend and said "seriously? Are
you punking me? Who is that girl?"

I need to not mock her any more because she was really great at her
job and helped me find something that looks very cute on me. It's
short and flippy with chunky highlights. My Facebook friends approve.

For laughs I tried on a very long, straight reddish wig. I sent a pic
to my daughter's phone and she sent back "I love you and all that jazz
but NO ". I sent it to my sister and she said
"that's ....interesting ...". Awesome.

I was frustrated because the woman who normally cuts my hair didn't
seem to understand that I wanted to be with my friend. I tried to talk
to her about ordering the one I had liked and she said it wasn't a
good line, people didn't like it, I should buy some scarves and so on.
I want hair!!! I don't want to be noticed at work by people I don't
know, with a scarf. I fucking want hair.

So my friend is going to help me order the wig, because I feel like I
need to do what makes ME happyhappy right now

I bought some stuff from Headcovers.com... For weekends and around the
house and so on. Soft little hats I can sew dragonfly iron-ons to..
And a denim hat, just something cute for Mia Porcha so I don't scare
my son, till he is used to the cue ball.

That's it, that's all... If you want to see the funny wig, you can
wade through my endless Twitters @Carlyq80 ...

Tulips

See? All I wanted to do was look at the tulips. Really. ;-)

I know, I need to stop posting scribbled out pictures. (Is there a
website to analyze why I always doodle flowers?)

Ooh. I have to go draw a dragonfly.

Roses

These roses won't wilt.

My bad

It's called "glow painter pro" just in case you're interested.

Today I went to the dentist; my hygenist has known me a long time and
hugged me when she heard my news. The dentist was very nice too. How
does a Snarly girl like me have so much good Karma ?

I also looke at wigs and cute hats online. Headcovers.com has some
appealing stuff and some "Oh my gosh No" items too.

App of the day

Glow paint. Ooh. Ahh. iPhone.

Uh oh

I hate winter. And I'm really not happy that after dreading chemo
class for a few days now it is postponed. Oy.

It's snowing like crazy. Hopefully this week will be it and winter
will go away leave me alone. Kthanks.

Ps: Trish, can you email me that pattern at Carlyq80 at gmail dot com?
Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Smart

My kid is smart, but maybe not the way I'd prefer. ("plow the driveway
")

Sunday art

I bought this stuff at Michael's... It came with the six watercolor
pencils, the practice sheets with yellow outlines to "help"/ cheat,
and a book explaining how to use the watercolor pigment pencils. (I
bought some Reeves pencils too, which are there at the top, but the
main set was General's.)

It migt be a little bit "paint by number" but I had a good time. I
will "dabble" a little bit more. Heh.

Church today went well. Some of my choir friends helped ease my
worries about being bald and then gray... It's nice to have a few
extra moms taking care of me! I was glad I went as my normal alto
partner was AWOL so Stanley really needed me. We don't have as many
people as we used to. (Icky Dick seems to be snowbirding right now...
Lucky you P if you run into HIM. Feel free to run *over* him).

Moody

Mooody. Don't want to DO this. Of course, who DOES want chemo ? My
medical bills have topped $80,000 already. Thank god, my portion is
"only" about 4k.

I can't imagine doing this without the safety nets I have, fiscally
and emotionally. People have brought us food and sent me cards and
gifts. I got an American Cancer society cookbook yesterday from one of
my college roommates. It's got recipes to deal with the various side
effects that I could have.

I am really dreading the hair. My son asked last night while I
'tucked him in' if I would be bummed "if you lose your hair". I said,
well, I'm definitely going to, and yes I'm really bummed. I kicked
myself a few minutes later for not following with "but it will grow
back". But there's a guy at work who has a newly shaved head and I
pass by and see him and wonder how the ridges and bumps on my noggin
will look to my kids. And how many times I will swelter in a stupid
wig. I figure I'll be bald most of the summer.

I'm doubly frustrated because "it will grow back." BFD.... it won't
look at all like MY hair when it does grow back. You can't really
color your hair for a long time, according to my oncologist, it's too
fragile and it could all break off again. So I am going to look old
and gray when I stop wearing a wig, and I hate that. The one girly
luxury I have always had is that since the first grays appeared,
before I was even 25, I have colored my hair and always gotten
compliments on it.

So, that's the current grump. But it beats cellulitis, which omg you
DONT want to google just because your/my doctor mentions that's what
I REALLY had when I went for my little ambulance ride to the ER when
I had my incision open. Can. Not. Erase. Pictures. From. Brain.

Why hello

I've missed you. Let's go take my new friend ("my baby", the iPhone )
out to the garage where the treadmill is....

Geez

I haven't posted lately. Sorry! I average a whopping number of readers every day (not) ... but I appreciate all of you stopping by!

Things are progressing. I got the surgical drain out. It's nice to look down at myself and not see any form of open wound. FINALLY. My level of anxiety about it has dropped considerably. But... it's not looking great. Let's just say it's NOTICEABLE that a chunk was taken out.... the size of a walnut... in the shell. But I have to laugh that the "pointer" now goes about 10 degrees off center. Laugh or cry, kiddies. I promise not to post ANY photos. And I'm quite certain I DON'T want any reconstructive surgery, thankyouverymuch.

Tuesday was another visit to Ye Old (well, my age) Oncologist. The plan is still the same. Four treatments, planned for three weeks apart. But my heart sank when he pulled up a chair and said "this is going to be a difficult conversation" and went through all the possible side effects of a controlled poisoning of little old me. I tried to let most of the " x, y, and z COULD happen" drift out of my head because he has assured me that my chemo will be low toxicity, and fairly tolerable, and so on. I just want it to be o-v-e-r. Now, please.

To be fair I did have an option to be much less aggressive and not have any chemo. But do you say to a surgeon, "Eh, don't wear gloves, just wash your hands" ?? No. In for a penny, in for a pound. Besides, having the chemo, he estimates drops me to only a 15% possibility of recurrence of breast cancer in my lifetime. Instead of 30%.

I also had a bookend option of about twice as much chemo, based on the fact that ONE lymph node had a few cells that had eked into it. I am not feeling the need to be SUPER aggressive. It seemed very much to me that he was strongly in favor of the middle of the road approach, and he even said so in so many words explaining that it was his duty to provide me all of the options, and that if it were his wife he would recommend the 4 / 3weeks option

We also talked about risks and, well, LIVING. As in, don't sit on the rocking chair and hide from the world. He literally said "Go OUT, take purell with you everywhere and do things to keep your spirits up." So that was nice to hear. I'm having trouble with that in a couple of relationships. I don't want to think about being sick all day every day and have people cross me off of plans automatically "because you're sick."

My friend (who had BC last year) posted about trying to remain YOU while you are in treatment and that explains my feelings well. I want to do the things I do, assuming I'm not tired or feverish on whatever day they roll around. I want to do art and sing and just not sit at home staring at myself saying "I'm sick."

The mirror is bothering me these days because I needed a trim to go back to work (I AM BACK TO WORK, KIDS!!! THE FISH IS STILL ALIVE...) and my hairdresser gave me a very short cut. I did give her permission to do it, and I understand her reason for asking to do that (it's an adjustment, and it will help me toward adjusting to having NO hair... and so on...) but when I see myself in the mirror I think "By St. Patrick's day or Easter I will be bald." My heart sinks. It looks pretty. But it looks sad to me too. Like when the leaves are beautiful colors in the fall, but you know it's just a matter of time till they're gone. And other dreck like that.

So I went back to work Wednesday (yesterday, but it seems like today was sooooo very long) ... my surgeon said it was fine and I was starting to feel bored and depressed from sitting home for four weeks, and broke... the first day I was disorganized, confused, and frustrated. And tired.

And I'm right back to zero with not having much in the way of conversation with the guys. They welcomed me back, of course, and were very nice about it. They're busy, that's all. I don't want to ask them to explain things to me that I know I CAN figure out, but I feel stupid muddling around in my current assignment. And my god, I would love to have a group of people to go have lunch with. This is the ultimate irony if you know me well enough to remember times I've said "I could NOT stand what X and Y were arguing about at lunch today...." at my old job. There were people in the group I really DID like going to lunch with, and I really miss them. (You. Not really Them. You know what I mean.)

So my plans are:

• another surgeon appointment next week just to be SURE this tater heals :::sigh::: but I do love my surgeon, she is awesome, so I don't mind all that much
• find new lunch friends for 3 or 4 days a week or reel my old faithfuls into some sort of regular rotations...
• chemo class... to learn ALL ABOUT what to expect :::thud::::
• more watercolor painting
• get a bunch of pictures ordered from Snapfish before I forget completely that I took 500,000 photos last year and never printed any
• trying at least one recipe from Pioneer Woman's cookbook before I start chemo
• going to the gala I go to every year that has the huge head table loaded with chocolate desserts (I will manage to get there JUST before my chemo starts)
• delete all my ipod playlists because they are a disorganized mess, and start over (too many are named AaaNew list and so on...)
• damn, my car needs an oil change which SOMEHOW I FORGOT IN DECEMBER.
• more books on Kindle - Water for Elephants was awesome

I think that will keep me busy....

Dear fish

Really? Today????

Really

... It's better to CLEAN OFF YOUR DESK first so that you have room to
work. What a mess!!!

Ps: bought watercolor pencils and can't wait to try them. If I can
manage not to lose them in this quagmire!

When making cards

For V Day at the last minute....

So

I'm thinking I will get a wig like this once I go bald ... No?

Found art

Today I snuck out of the house alone for the first time in weeks. I
took myself to lunch and then over to wander around Michael's, where I
found this little suprise just sitting quietly on a roll of paper near
a display of colored pencils. I think I know the guy on the
picture. ;-)

Feeling better

I planted some bulbs last fall and found a few strays after I cleaned
everything up. They are looking promising.

I am feeling MUCH better. Hoping to go see Stanley and the rest of the
choir this weekend.

May actually go back to work next week- so you know I am feeling better!

Go west

This is Nikki Yanofsky, a 16-year-old Canadian singer, with a video of her Olympic theme song. A little schmaltz to stir in your morning coffee, but some of the scenery is really beautiful.

I almost moved to Oregon/ Seattle 20 years ago... my company had large data centers out there at the time. Sometimes I still wonder how things would have turned out for me, if I had.

But yay, the Olympics are starting tomorrow.*




*Or in other words, "thank god there's finally going to be something different on tv for a little while...I am so cabin-feverish..."

The exciting life I lead

Today I hung out on the couch all day. My incision feels like someone
clomped over my body wearing cleats or an old style set of
rollerskates. But I'm happy that the surgery is done.

My pc is not happy. Noton seems to have it all effed up. Irony, yes?
The CPU is just cranking away all day long. I wish it would behave!

One of the highlights of my day was seeing my friend's cute little
daughter. She only came in for a minute but I got a bunch of hugs. The
other day (hmmm, what day is it?) she had her tonsils and adenoids out
AND she got ear tubes. I sent her over some stickers and stencils and
stuff and she made me an early Valentine. Squeeeeeeee! She's so darn
cute.

The other highlight was cheeeeeeesecake. The real deal. Yum!

I have an exciting evening of tv ahead. Zzzzzz.

Answers

Got this off Jorge Garcia's blog...

And boy did it give me a headache... every week I try to explain to my son that I can't answer his questions... how do I just know that there will be three movies after the tv series "wraps up" ????

A giant dubya tee eff

Why does the Stupor Bowl insist on rolling out old farts for the
halftime show??? Seriously. Why not someone young and now and
exciting??? Not songs from when I was in highschool for crying out loud.

Pffft. Legends.

Things I hate about the iPhone

I love my new phone. I really do. But there are a couple of things
that make me curse it on a regular basis.

This post is brought to you by the letter "M". At least it would be if
I could consistently type an M. I use an "OtterBox" silicone sleeve to
keep from dropping the damn thing. (And have fun with the name. Kinda
like the joke, I don't have my cherry anymore but I still have the box
it came in. But what is Otter slang for? Wait, an otter reminds me of
a .... Can you believe they sell these right in the AT & T store with
a straight face?) ANYWAY, which leads to my next pet peeve, the edge
juts out right near the edges of the screen of the phone. I catch my
thumb on it and either miss the M alltogether or hit the backspace
key, which is in a stupid place.

I'm sure plenty of people have blogged about no delete key or caps
lock. How can I yell at the Internets? Grrr.

The thing that drives me more consistently crazy is the auto rotate.
It spins when I don't want it to (like if I am lying on my side trying
to read, sometimes it flicks over and back if I don't hold the phone
just right) and there are times and apps I've said to myself, ok, flop
dammit, and it just doesn't. :::cue urge to test just how well
OtterBox protects phone, by flinging against wall:::

Given that I'm sleeping with it most nights, I wish the cord were much
longer. I need the iZenGarden to help me sleep (think waterfall or
rain or ocean waves) and it's hard to explain that visualizing
actually BEING in a beach house would be easier if the beach/ phone
weren't 2" from my head because the plug on the wall is in line with
my ear.

Also I would like to organize my pictures into folders. When I went to
the ER I handed the phone to my daughter and said "DONT mess with it
". Being a teenager she immediately messed with it. Hah, joke's on you
kid. There are pictures on there of my incisions because... I don't
know why. But she found them. ::::thud::: You should not see your
mom's ta-ta cut up and patched with purple surgical glue. I'm working
on finding a good therapist for her now.

My friend assures me that she too felt like takig pictures of her
scar. In her case it looked like an orchid leaf. Mine had a bruise
below it that looked like a Budweiser crown. But still, I'm sorry
kiddo! But hey, maybe if you did what I told you? ;-)

Stolen

I have totally and completely stolen this from Grace over at Have You
Met Me. She is awesome and I love the graphics she designs for her
blog with quotable quotes. Stay warm Grace!

Moving forward

Finally today I had a GOOD day. The surgeon told me that she will fix my incision, and clear out the one remaining margin that was found in post op lab work, and that is all. There was a possibility of more nodes being removed under my right arm, and that is off the table now. I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

So I will have a procedure Tuesday that will be MUCH less involved than my original surgery. Then it will be on to healing, and doing chemo and radiation - it seems like the plan is still what I discussed with my oncologist and I think I can get through it ok. Bald, but ok.

I want you to know that I read your comments... I may not have 5,000 readers a day but I know many of my readers by name, and I like that. Any comments left come to me on my phone via email almost right after they're left for me, and I appreciate it SO MUCH when someone supports or encourages me.

I do agree with the advice to think about OTHER things besides cancer. I am working on learning photoshop (a friend of mine gave me access to the Kelby videos, which is awesome). I have the new Alton Brown and Ace of Cake books that I haven't really delved into, and I have a bunch of sheet music along with a piano and a guitar sitting here. Now that I don't have to look for a job I can tinker around when the kids aren't home. I hope to go back to work soon, and they have been awesome as well.

I saw someone being quoted about social media destroying our privacy. I have always felt that it is my job to only put things out on the internet that I am comfortable with ANYONE seeing. (...or to use a damn secret id, hahahaha.)

I have found Facebook to be a great way for me to reach out for support and encouragement when I need it most - whether it was the day I was depressed about my job hunt and posted "I need a hug, and a job" and got instant comments boosting me up, or the day I frantically sent messages to half of my friends with news I couldn't say out loud for days. A laugh and / or words of support are only as far away as my phone, and that is very comforting considering the amount of time I have spent alone in this house in the past year.

One last thing - how awesome was P!nk on the Grammy's ?One of my favorite songs ever, in an amazing acrobatic routine. If you have not seen that performance, GO AND FIND IT.... preferably on iTunes.

Checking in

Over the last few days I had a brief hospital stay for iv antibiotics.
I have now officially lost count of the number of people who have seen
my boobs, what day of the week it is, and even the month, for that
matter.

Sunday morning I woke up early, read a little, and then my incision
decided to open and let out high volumes of what via my vast medical
expertise i will simply call gunk. Nnnnnnot a good thing. The
Budweiser crown-shaped bruise had broken up, and there was an
infection, so I thought I was bleeding heavily and the end result was
two EMTs walking me out to an ambulance stretcher on a freezing
morning, kids crying, and the beginning of reciting my name and
birthdate 12,000 times.

(It was helpful to call my surgeon's service because they called ahead
to the ER and the admission process went very smoothly. I hope you
never need that handy hint)

I was fairly calm during the drama part. Still there was one point
after the ER surgeon had treated me (thanks for not waiting for the
morphine to kick in, you savage bastard) Mr. C held my hand while I
sobbed because I want to be normal again; I want to go to church that
morning and sing, and go to work this week and see my fish, and not
visit doctors and play What Next ?

I am grateful to the visiting nurses who will come twice a day for a
while to tend to this, so that I don't have to stay in the hospital.
Even if the first visit did take almost 3 hours. My friends seriously
need to build them a workflow app for all the initial paperwork.

I am grateful to my friends who came to see me and sit on my bed and
hold my hand and remind me that they love me, bad hairdo and all.

I am grateful that I slept well in my own bed last night, showered,
and ate nice food on my couch today.

And I am grateful for naps. I get plenty of 'em.

Thoughts

I try to think about "other" things as much as I can. But "the other C
word" has seeped through everything. (I tried to blog something non-
carcinomic here and I am failing miserably).

I may actually enjoy Halloween this year. (the theory being that I'll
be done w most of my treatment and on to Tamoxifen).

Mr C and the kids got me some cheap roses from the supermarket and
they have been fabulous for a week now. In about 2 and a half weeks if
I were to get roses they would die in 2 days. I hate valentines day!

I have a recruiter trying to put me in a job I'm qualified for but
don't really want right now given all the unpredictability. Besides, I
like the droids. I miss them.

My choir friends know I'm sick now. So with a whole church choir
praying for me I should be all set.

I was going to help with yearbook this year but Ummmmmm. No. No extra
work for Diva Carly.

I have been watching So. Much. Tv. I lean toward cooking and home
buying / remodeling. Dear Genevive, please come fix up Mia Porcha so I
have a nice retreat to rest in. Thnks.

Olympics. The Olympics have nothing to do w me being sick. But I will
throw a fuzzy sock at the tv the first time they do a human interest
story about someone who was sick.

iReally?

OK so where are we? There are no chicks in the apple Marketing team, I get it, snicker snicker, iPad, comes in light, regular and maxi. ( :::eyeroll::: I can't even take credit for the joke. )

But actually I think I can see myself using it at home, on Mia Porcha, to follow twitter feeds and blogs and update facebook and maybe read a e-book or two. To me the appeal is holding it sitting on a couch or chaise and not having to sit at this desk to 'surf'. I don't see myself carrying it around in a super-sized purse. I hate to carry a big purse and my iphone does my calendaring, thank you. So to me it's a home gadget. I was thinking about getting a new laptop, maybe I'll get this someday instead.

But it looks like a fun toy. In the near future I won't be in any financial position to purchase said toy, of course (the bills are starting to trickle in already) but it would be nice.

Flowers

My inlaws sent me flowers. They are so sweet!

Everything changes

Yesterday rather sucked. Not only do I need chemotherapy, which I had
kind of expected but HOPED to somehow dodge, I may also need more
surgery.

Little things have tripped me up, like margins needing more removal
and one stupid lymph node having 0.3 cm of cancer cells. They dont
know these things until the pathologist has completely examined the
tissue removed. Arrrgh!

So it was very discouraging but the chemotherapy that is planned right
now will be only four times, once every 3 weeks, and he thinks I will
tolerate it well. I won't start that for a while because I need to
heal and then have whatever additional surgery is called for.

So it's a little like having a deranged tour guide take me around the
world on a completely different path than what I thought I would
travel. It's not all on my timeline either. I wanted to get to the
surgeon today, to deal with a pocket of fluid under my arm, and I
sobbed in frustration about having to wait until tomorrw. I think
that was the stress of yesterday ; I cried a little in the car but for
whatever reason hadn't been able to really let it all out. But I also
cried happy tears today seeing one of my longtime friends I have missed.

But when fall comes, most of this should be done. And in the meantime
I have sweet beautiful women helping my family take care of me. I have
my old pals from the big red K (my last job)and my best friends from
college back, encouraging me daily on Facebook. I have a webcam to see
my sister's smile when I need to, and there are planes and things to
make this all easier.

I have friends buying me scarves and planning to knit me hats and
trading scar photos with me.( It's hard to imagine doing that unless
you have a bruise that looks JUST like the budweiser crown or a scar
like an orchid leaf.)

My iphone has been my thread to the outside world and it is never far
from my side. I can read pioneer woman, Nienie, and photography blogs,
and Twitter my temporary frustrations away. Oh, and make snarky
comments about what's on tv. (I'm carlyq80. It's not Pulitzer prize
material )

I know this spring and summer will drag but suddenly be over.
Hopefully I can have a whoopass labor day party and graduate to
Tamoxifen. I just have to do the next step, and the next, and the
next. Yesterday was craptastic - tomorrow I'll feel better.

Please pass along your favorite web page or Twitter feed. I need
plenty of distractions!!!

There's an app for that

iFart. No, I'm not kidding; there is an app that you can use to make
your phone fart: start it and set your phone down and if someone moves
it the dang phone will fart. You can send farts to your idiot friends'
phones if they have the app...I think we can all be grateful for this
app...not being on most phones as a default. I can just imagine being
the wife of someone who would think that was SO funny. ::::shudder:::::

That being said there are some apps that I am having fun with in the
wee small hours of the morning as I wait for pain meds to kick in.
Spin art is fun. Like my picture?

There are some that I use very often like the Facebook app and a
Twitter reader. The Kindle reader works pretty well. It won't start a
fight on a plane ....(my sister is here for a few days and had to
listen to some girl go ON and ON about her real kindle...)

There are other apps I've gotten like Camera bag, which takes a pic
and makes it look like a Polaroid or several other camera styles.

Scoremobil gives me whatever sports update I may be looking for.

Zen Garden is very soothing. If covers the screen w fake sand you can
rake with your fingers, and you can add rocks, shells, etc while
soothing sounds play. In the newest version you can play yourself to
sleep with a self timer. That's what I'll be doing now. Oh listen,
it's starting to softly rain. Goodnight.

Happy happy happy

Obnoxinurse made an encore visit as I was checking in on Tuesday.
Irony... "do you remember me?". I think her sole purpose in my world
was to tell me I *can* set limits. The other nurses were SO nice.

Things didn't go perfectly smooth; I have a blown vein on the back of
my hand from a less than fabulous IV input. Ow ow ow that hurt. But
that was the only stumble; the surgery went very well.

So, thanks to better living through pharmaceuticals I went through the
following days fairly easily. My arms feel something like they were
tied in neat squareknots for a few days. Ab muscles that have been off
duty for quite a while are NOT pleased with me. But purple surgical
superglue? Eeeek. Flaky and creepy, hands down my least favorite part
of this. I "know" logically I won't split the incisions. But a part of
me is anxious every time I reach past a certain range.

Mr. C brought me home Wednesday and we opened our very own buffet.
Friends and family brought us macaroni and cheese, chicken parm,
teriyaki, side dishes like salads, pasta, scalloped potatoes and green
beans almondine and biscuits and brownies (lots of brownies). Turkey
soup, made from scratch by our friend who could easily lift a fridge
w/ one hand - and my fridge is PACKED rightnow.

But my nail tech was asking for me today, and I am all caught up on
Burn Notice thanks to a marathon yesterday. I loves me some Michael
W.....

This is fun, no?

Today I went for some pre-op work including being quizzed by an obnoxious twit who seemed hell bent on figuring out WHY I FUCKING GOT CANCER. It wasn't enough to tell her no, I didn't have family history of any sort; she progressed to what kind of work I do and where I live and so on. Fortunately another hospital employee rescued me for the next step of items on the checklist before I had to imprint her keyboard on her nose.

My mother has been very supportive and cooperative since one little bump in the road got resolved; she had a winning quote when I told her about Obnoxi-nurse. "You should have told her the cancer fairy bit you" (...on the boob). Ten points.

I had sentinel node mapping today. You can google that if you feel compelled to learn more than these two facts: It's part of figuring out whether cancer cells have spread to nearby lymph nodes. It involves injecting radioactive material near the tumor and watching the migration of that material over time, via various diagnostic equipment that includes a fucking wooden spoon with a pointer on it that shows up in the high tech screen, (so that they can reach far enough into the MRI sort of machine and pinpoint where they want to mark) and also a Sharpie used to make a VERY sexy "X" on the spot of the most visible node. Big time technology. I have Sharpie marks on my armpits. That's hot.

What you would not find on google is that because they don't numb you (the needle full of numbing medication hurts anyway so why bother) the feeling is not unlike having someone shoot your ta-ta full of flaming lighter fluid. Whimpering and crying ensued, and frankly I like to think I'm a big girl, having delivered a 9lb 12 oz baby without caesarian. Fck fck fck it REALLY hurt. The doctor was cute though. I told him my Kanye joke. "I'ma let you finish, but cardiac ablation is the worst procedure ever. The worst surgery EVER!" It was a weak joke, because I don't know if he realized I had that procedure, but it made him and the assisting person laugh.

I will work on not whining further.... probably won't post for a while due to pain meds and such. Think happy thoughts for me of puppies, kittens and rainbows. Oh, and unicorns. Definitely unicorns.

So

When I got back from lunch the workmen were all standing there looking
at the fountain.

By the end of the day it was shut off.

Frankly it is too tall - it gets water on the stairs that pass over
it. And the stones are lovely but the basin is kind of plain and empty.

J- fish was alive when I left. He was kind of giving me "take me with
you" faces. Ok, now I really am just kidding.

The droids were very sweet and wished me good luck, by the way. They
want me to email our boss how I'm doing next week. Mwahahahahha. I
wore them down in only 8 days. After my surgery I will work on getting
us all out to lunch once a month.

Agua-vating

These people have some serious water issues. This is in the lobby of
my building; today is the first day i've seen it with water flowing.
It was being fixed yesterday, and apparently a few days from now there
will be water all over the entire lobby floor and it will be emptied
again.

Yesterday EMT 'droid said that J-Fish was burying himself in gravel
and things didn't look good.

I went by a little while later and he was hiding near the back wall
behind a big rock. But I swear to you, he saw me and came right out. I
shook my finger at him and said "Don't you go and die on me now" and
he DEFINITELY moved his whole face from side to side and it looked
like "No"

I laughed at him and said "You promise?"

Then and only then did I notice the guy right behind me smirking at me.

I'm That Girl Who Talks to The Fish.

:::sigh:::

Normal

I was watching the news this morning and looking at the ruins of the presidential palace in Haiti and thinking about how we often don't appreciate "normal" while we have it. 

I have been waiting for months to get a job and get back into a "normal" routine. Now just as that became possible, I have to go back to unpredictability and it frustrates me to no end. 

I am trying to keep things "normal" for my kids, who are looking ahead to spring and baseball and track and my answer is limited to "um, yeah.... We'll figure out how to do that. "

My insurance is complicated because Cobra can be a challenge on a good day, but they made a clerical mistake on mine that I only recently caught. Mr. Carly can't go see the dentist any time soon. And I could have switched to my benefits from my new job but I have been advised that's not a good idea right now with everything going on.

I will figure it all out but none of it will be quick. 

However this is not so much about "poor me," but more about you appreciating that you're probably reading this in the middle of a "normal" day. So I am asking you to stop and notice that normal, and in some small way give a donation to one of the many earthquake relief funds. Those poor people are much farther away from "getting back to normal" than I am.    

Yes, I'm doing that again.

I can't seem to type below this photo... But I think I did a shot just
like his last winter, only with more ice. Driving. On the way to work.
In the cold.

So, I am still not driving my own car. I am so thankful for my pal who
has let me "test drive" something for 3 days. When my car broke down
we were with friends and D and his best friend drove me bonkers. It
was the night before my appointment w the surgeon (which went pretty
well, I will get to that...) and so I was sort of already weepy and
not in the mood for my car to die in this random little acces road
behind a school where we do CYO basketball. The tow guy took forever
and D's friend would randomly sing "McGruberrrrrr" loudly. So I texted
him a picture of that character after I got home.

The surgeon, aka Boobie Whisperer, was a trip. My pal warned me she
would sort of stare into space while she, er, felt me up, and I could
honestly see her listening to her fingertips. She's got decades of
experience so I truly feel I am ...in good hands.

She explained that my tumors are small, slow growing, and a bunch of
other things that you WANT them to be if you have to have them. Next
week I will have them removed (just the unlovely lumps, not my entire
Lady Lumps.) Huge relief there - I always swore I would never get fake
ta-tas and so it looks like I'm still ok 'on that front' - man there
so many double meanings in this whole situation....

But I will apparently have to break down and get tattoos, for my
radiation treatments. I can barely SPELL tattoo.

is there a title that covers all of this?

So, it has been a crazy few days. Right now it's 11:11 on the 11th as I am starting to write this post and I do in fact have a few wishes to make.

But on to the recap of my last few days.

Friday started with a little bit of chatting with my coworkers. They seem to talk for a few minutes when they first arrive, then get down to business. I was relieved to feel like they were slowly warming up to me.

Mid morning things got a little bit crazy. I noticed that one guy was acting strange, but I didn't REALLY notice. He was standing off to the side of the room and sort of twisting as though he was trying to stretch his back. I just went back to what I was reading... it turns out that one of my other coworkers is an EMT, and he realized what was actually going on. When HE went over to K, it clicked for me, because of a conversation that had occurred the previous day where K shared some ongoing medical issues with me. I'm trying not to put this guy's business all over the internet, so I'll leave it at that, but my point is that I realized we needed to call 911, and when they arrived he was NOT doing well at all. I'm leaving out parts of the story on purpose, but it was awful for about 45 minutes. So much for my job distracting me from MY medical issues.

K was fortunately doing pretty well after some medical attention, and EMT guy kidded me in the afternoon about "how's that for your first week?" So I felt comfortable saying, well, I won't be back on Monday, but not because of this, because I have to go see the surgeon on Monday, and I dropped one or two other sentences in there, about why. He and I had actually been talking about insurance and he mentioned "prexisting conditions" of his own and so I didn't THINK it would be TMI and I think I was OK on that call.

I am starting to feel that I somehow landed on the Island of Misfit Toys but in an odd way I am very grateful for that. Sometimes people don't understand how unpredictable a medical issue can be. Hurry to make a doctor's appointment, then wait and waaaaaaaait for it to happen, and wait to find out how the next couple of weeks/ months will play out.

We went to our favorite little italian place to celebrate me actually completing ALMOST a whole week of work (I had taken Monday off for a biopsy that REALLY FREAKING HURT afterward, but I guess the first one was a decoy so that I wouldn't fret about the second.)

So then Saturday I got up to cook for the school kiddos. Making chili, which I have never even EATEN, thank you, much less made myself. Fortunately my teammate has a husband for whom Sunday Equals Football and Chili. Did I mention Saturday morning it was THREE degrees out? So fabulous.

Saturday afternoon was my nephew's birthday party and I was happy to drink about four glasses of wine over the course of several hours and play with the babies in my family. My nephew is so damn cute. I get discouraged when I think that I might not see them for a while; I can't roughhouse with a toddler if I'm recovering from some sort of procedures. Blah.

Sunday morning was pretty hard at church. I'm obsessing about when my surgery will be - and is this the last Sunday I'll feel up to singing for a while? And what about Lent and Easter week??? I couldn't bring myself to tell Stanley, because he's very hard of hearing and I didn't want to scream it with everyone around. But I did tell someone that I sat next to for a few years (she has since moved over to sit next to Icky Dick, because Altos can double as Tenors, and the sweet guy who passed away this summer was a tenor, and oddly enough the mass was being said for him, but then these coincidences keep happening...all you need to do is see them, people.) So we were walking out and I told "Hazel" and she stood in the street and hugged me, and I really needed that, because I had been queasy all day stressing myself out. She is just a few years older than me, unlike most of the rest of the choir, so it was definitely the support I needed just then.

I went to the market (it was about TEN out, if you're keeping score) and for some reason I bought a BUNCH of frozen things. I do not have a spare freezer. I just found myself saying "oh, chicken fingers, D can warm those up, and these are the fish we like, and maybe some of these appetizer things would be good to have in the house, ....) You literally could not jam a piece of paper into my freezer right now. The odd part was that walking around the store my stomach was churning and I didn't want to think about lunch but yet here I was buying all this food to have in the house. It's a freakish cousin of nesting, I guess.

So I laid on the couch for a while, then went to D's basketball game later, where my car died. Such fun. 90 minutes to wait for a tow truck. Good times!!!

Not Nemo

I need a name for my little friend here... He lives near where I sit
with the Droids(who are slowwwwly becoming more talkative).

I have considered Dr. Evil, because there is a Mini Me floating
around, if you will excuse me saying so.

I asked someone his name but all she could tell me was that he was
hiding all day yesterday and they thought he was dead. Fortunately he
looked good today.

Names, anyone????

Linked Out

I added my new boss as a LinkedIn contact. It's kind of like a Facebook for your professional life. The network of people you've worked with, people who are trying to help you get a new job, like recruiters, etc... (All the people who you DON'T want seeing your Facebook stuff... hahahaha. )

So anway, off to the side I noticed a suggested list of people to add. Somehow, I ended up with Barack Obama's name included on my sidebar. Don't even ask me... I have no idea.

I tried to add him. After all, he's the President, and wouldn't it be fun to have him in my linked in list?

Unfortunately there is a step in the invitation process where you have to answer the question "How do you know Barack?" I sheepishly clicked "I don't know him" and the request was immediately rejected! He never even had a chance to accept my invitation- the program won't let me send a request to him.

Oh well. Maybe one of my other contacts will introduce us.

Hi, ho

So today was my first day on the job, and of course I was almost late.
You take 9 months off, you forget all the stupid things you can do,
like go back for a pair of earrings and "hmmm, maybe not these shoes"
and all lf a sudden it's "geez I really gotta leave!" (thank goodness,
no frost on my windshield!)

I am working in a test lab of sorts; there are 3 guys who already work
there. Maybe they thought I'd ask 1,000 questions if they looked my
way; they didn't speak to me until saying goodbye at the end of the
day. It was discouraging and hilarious all at the same time. Droids. :)

There is a huge skylight over my desk so it was nice and bright.
There's even a great big plant next to my desk. By desk I mean, the
table that my monitor is on, which has no drawers! Where's a girl
supposed to hide her " stuff"???? The rest of the room is kinda dark
so the Droids must like it that way. What say I walk in tomorrow and
flip all the lights way on high???? Hee hee. They'd bury me in the
plant.

I have 3 pc's to toggle between(all sharing one monitor) because we
work on multiple platforms, and of course I forgot the key combination
to jump from one to the next. Oopsie. I wrote it down with my best
crayon.

Let's see, what else. Oh, a mini lunchroom with bad food and no one to
sit with. A maze of cubicles and solid walls. Your basic office
building, but nice and clean. Almost high school, really. Except
cleaner.....

The calm

Life is progressing along while I wait for appointments for a second
biopsy and a surgical consult. I am doing normal things. Groceries.
Church. Getting ready to start my new job.

But I laid in bed this morning feeling crushed and unable to move. I
was worrying about how MUCH surgery I wil need because I have no idea
yet.

I feel something like I am waiting for a hurricane to hit land, and
then when the storm/ first surgery has passed I will know what the
effect will be on my house. Until then, this little control fanatic is
running around looking at the sky and fretting.

It seeps through my train of thought more and more frequently,
complicating every decision. How many new pairs of pants to buy for
work? will I work at all next week? what about the week after that ?
Then will my weight go up, down....?

I see people and mentally check their told/ haven't told status in my
head. I am still keeping it fairly quiet and I don't want to bang
people over the head with it. (Hi, happy new year, I have to have
someone cut cancer out of my body soon but I don't know when. And what
did Santa bring you?)

I am looking forward to the distraction of working. Hi ho!!!

Ending on a good note

I got a job!

I know.

I accepted the job AFTER fully disclosing that I'm about to need some
time off to fight back against my misbehaving knockers. They want me
anyway - it was such a Sally Field moment. They are going to set me up
to work from home as needed, plus a couple of other things that made
me weep like a beauty pageant queen - smiling through tears.

As a cherry on top, I'm typing this post (slowwwwwwly) on my new
iPhone. Santa rocks.

Happy new year - hope I'm around as long as Dick Clark, eh?

Morning smile

Read the red lettering, lower right.

It's COLD here in the smallbany area. My car says 10*. Booooo, winter. I am at Harvard on the Hudson, the windiest place around. It keeps getting better all the time. :)
Carly(via Blackberry)

A fine spiculated mess

There is a very long story to tell, and I'm going to try to keep it short, but I tend to ramble. Sorry...

December 15th I had a followup mammogram, and then an ultrasound of what (for the sake of my sanity) I am referring to as "My Boobie". Even I could see the spot on the original mammogram that was the cause of all this 'fun', and I have to be honest that my first emotion was a giant wave of annoyance that apparently My Boobie has decided to try to kill me. But the spot seems small to me, uneducated that I am, and so I am hoping that the endless procrastination that lead to an appointment that should have been in July winding up in November was actually a good thing. Because MB might have been fine in July, or "we" might have missed it back then.

The next day brought another ultrasound of MB in order to do a needle biopsy of the spiculated cells. (In oncology, a spiculated mass is a lump of tissue with spikes or points on the surface. So I knew it wasn't just a liquid-filled cyst. It's apparently a solid lump with Goth tendencies. Fabulous.)

Did I mention that the ultrasounds were done by a very professional female technician who I strongly suspect prefers to date women? I really liked her. For some strange reason this angle made the whole thing a little more bearable. Whether it was distracting or just an amusing little quirk of life, I can't really explain it well; maybe it was a mixture of both.

The biopsy was done with a special needle that can capture some of the cells to be examined by a lab. They promised me that they would try to get the results to me.... before Christmas. I wasn't sure whether that would be great, or really bad...

The NEXT day (tests were three days right in a row, this was really a lot of tests in one week, but the goal was to keep moving to work around all of the holiday time coming up) I had an MRI of both "the girls". I sent a text to a pal of mine describing how it must look to have a side view of a woman lying on an MRI table with an opening for her boobs to hang down through. It was something like this:

--u----

So that we're clear, I am taking this seriously, but trying not to lie in my bed for hours at a time going through boxes of kleenex.

Tuesday around lunchtime I was doing errands and the doctor who had performed the needle biopsy called to tell me that I do in fact have cancer. So apparently 2009 decided that since being unemployed for months didn't break my sense of humor, well, let's toss this at her. Merry f-ing holiday season, by the way. I actually felt bad for the doctor, having to do something this shitty right before Christmas. But, that probably would have been strange to mention to her.

Tuesday afternoon was very, very bad, with phone calls to some but not all family members. I decided not to tell my kids anything for now other than "I need some tests done because there is a lump in my boobie"... that word again, but it makes them laugh and postpones any deeper questions. When I know what I actually will be doing with/ about this mess, I will tell them. My inlaws are in their 80's and I don't see the point in upsetting them now, so I haven't told them ANYTHING. They will surely be a little annoyed at me, but they're far too smart to fall for the vague stuff I told my kids.

Tuesday evening my longtime friend took me out so that I could cry in her car about not wanting to have surgery or radiation or chemo or lose my hair or, well, actually die or anything like that... and on impulse she took me for a mani/pedi. I just never really do those, I walk by the places in the mall and see the women in masks and think... "not me." But it was such a nice gesture and I thought well, maybe a little girly time will help me get through this sucky day.

The vietnamese nail tech started doing my hands and said "Your friend pay for you." I sort of smiled a bit and said "well, yes, she is treating me because I'm not having a great day." She practically pounced on me and said "Ooooh, you sick?" and saw on my face that she had me. She grabbed my hand and flipped it over. She began doing a palm reading and showing me that my lifeline is long, very long, and has a little line that hits it and doesn't go through and so that means something will happen when I'm young but I will be fine and so "No scared! Happy happy happy! Fight!" I found it a little bit surreal that my guardian angel is a running around these days disguised as a Vietnamese lady.... but, OK. Happy happy happy Fight it is.

I don't have appointments with a surgeon or oncologist yet, but I am fully prepared to see Elvis in the waiting room at one of those appointments. I also briefly considered making my sugar cookies round with an M & M in the center, since half the family in the room would be thinking about my boobies. Too weird though.

So, I think this post has gone on long enough. Girls, get a digital mammogram; screw those old cheap bastard men who came out with a recommendation recently that age 50 is soon enough. Keep up with your doctor visits. Boys, make sure your moms and wives take care of themselves.

I'm going to watch "The Hangover" again and eat lots of Christmas cookies. Toodleoooooo. I'll keep posting here, if y'all keep reading.

Not the same but sorta

The container for broken cookies is a little but like the island of misfit toys....
Carly(via Blackberry)

Oops

So we have christmas houses and trees and stuff, and this poor guy just went to that big ceramic kiln in the sky. If I were more inclined, this tiny head could have a useful future beyond my garbage can. Alas.
Carly(via Blackberry)

In the bleak midwinter

(Title of this post is from a song I sing in choir... )

Friends,
If you can spare a good thought for me, please send it my way.

My family of inlaws are squabbling, I'm up in the air waiting for certain people to call me back about REALLY important stuff, and I'm thinking that it would be swell to take whatever cookies I've made already and a box of wine and just go hide in an Inn for this next week or so. Alone. Or, well, with you, dear reader. But not them.

Today my mother gleefully mentioned that "( she doesn't) really have to wrap much this year". I swear to you, I had just finished wrapping the things I had bought for my kids with the check she sent me. While I am grateful for the gifts, I still had some mood adjustment requirements after hearing that.

Maybe if things go my way, or pehaps even if they don't, I will soon be able to blog about all the crazy times I had in the last week.

In the meantime, despite being done with my shopping I will be at a mall tomorrow, because how do you tell your 85 year old father in law that you don't want to help him get a gift for his "bride" (of 50+ years)....? Not that I'm patting myself on the back, mind you... I'm just hoping to buy a little bit of karma wherever it might be on sale.

Here's to leaving 2009 behind very soon, and setting a new path in a new decade. Happy christmukahhwanzaa to you and yours.

Carly(via Blackberry)

The scene

I can't really bear to look... But I did notice incriminating footprints leading off into the snow...
Carly(via Blackberry)

Wwtt edition 2

What were they thinking?

This is a screen grab from "spice up your kitchen. It seems like a fairly average /typical show with tips about colors and "counterscaping" (think about it )with items that are functional AND colorful.

But I can't get past this island. This is the side that the barstools will be on. (I know this from an earlier scene in the show.) So , now your visitors and children can kick the crap out of all your winebottles. D'oh.
Carly(via Blackberry)

Rolling over

I guess I can trade this car of mine in now.

Well, probably not, given the whole "gainfully unemployed" aspect I'm enjoying (?) these days.

I may be getting an iPhone, however, in an "upgrade and swap" deal that Mr Carly has almost all figured out in his brain... Except he calls it an "iPod touch". So I almost passed on the deal! Ooopsie.
Carly(via Blackberry)

What were they thinking, edition 1

This garland is an example of the decorationally dysfunctional people living around me.

Swaaaag. Swag. Oh hell, let's finish this and go have a beer.
Carly(via Blackberry)

Eeeks... it's a random post

Sorry kids... if you are depending on me to entertain you, I know I am failing miserably since I haven't posted in a week.

Here are three mini - posts to make up for it, if only a tiny bit.

#1
It's been a busy week or two of avoiding any Christmas preparations whatsoever. But we had our first snow last night, so I need to get cracking.

I am plotting a getaway to go visit Suzy right before Christmas... without my kids. Heee heeee. I am also listening to Christmas CD's lately. This is rare for me; Mr. C loves them but I try to avoid the genre like the plague. I guess it's from singing hymns all fall to get ready, with the choir. I am partial to "A Dave Brubeck Christmas", and also "December" which is by Chris Botti.

This week my goal is to finish my Christmas shopping, so I can be that Annoying Girl who has everything wrapped 2 weeks before the holiday. Next week I'll bake some cooooookies and then skid out of town, hopefully.

#2
Yesterday my daughter had her first track meet. It was the first indoor track meet I have ever attended, and it was at a local community college. I walked into the gym and there were 500 people milling about, who all seemed to know exactly what was going on and where to go with themselves. Unlike, well, ME... and did I mention, there were no bleachers pulled out, since they would cover the actual track lanes? I had visions of standing from 8:30 to 1:30. Unhappy visions. Luckily by mid-morning they had put up temporary bleachers...

It took me an hour to decipher that the track was 200 meters, not 400. But at least it only took an hour, right?

#3
My daughter has a "teacher conferences" day of some sort, so no school on Tuesday, and wants me to see... new moon. This is SO not for me. I am in that 5% of the population that hasn't seen or read any Harry Potter, hasn't read any of the Twilight books, and would happily never change that. I won't even get a good nap, what with all the screaming... sigh...