I walked in for coffee today, and there he was. The last guy who really messed up my head. The one before the one I'm with now, that is (ha, ha).
It's a peculiar feeling to be rooted to the ground, yet want to run, hard and fast. We pretended to ignore each other. At least, I was pretending to ignore him. Perhaps he actually was ignoring me.
It's been so long, that I thought I was past wanting him to be sorry, to make it up to me. For a long time I wanted to have a breakthrough conversation where he admitted that he really did love me, and he was sorry he screwed it up, and he wanted me. You know, kind of like what Big said to Carrie in Paris in the very last show.
(And no, I'm not shooting for this weblog to be Sex and the Soccer Mom....)
He walked right by me, with that air of disinterest that only a true knob can master. As though I was the one who had been a jerk. He lied to me, played me like a fool, was involved with another woman the entire time, and never had any intention of marrying me. So why is it that I practically had a heart attack this morning? I guess because a little part of me still mourns that lost relationship, or at least the one I THOUGHT it was and not the one it really was. The little part that misses those feelings I had when I first met him and could trust him and believe in him and thought he was The Most Wonderful Man Ever...the lying bastard... I'm still disappointed by him. I guess I still want that apology that I'll never get.
It's not as though I want him back. I've progressed to the point where I really can see what a jerk he was, and honestly say I'm better off now. It's just so disconcerting to have Really Bad Memory from your past pop up out of nowhere.
New Year's resolution 4,397.... give up coffee?
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1 comment:
I like this. There's always that guy, the one you want to say things he'll never say.
It reminds me of this guy I used to love in high school who now sells me my latte at Starbucks. I want to hear him say, “I have always loved you.” I want him to kiss me like he’s starving and then I'd walk away. We make small talk at the counter.
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