Ashes

It's a mixed bag. I'm worried about this crazy economy and my bills and my job and what will happen after the election. I lost 10 lbs. since my doctor informed me that I am in the early stages of diabetes. (Apparently no one has noticed.) My daughter is miserable because band is starting and her braces are killing her.

It's sunny today. Aren't you supposed to be perky and happy when the sun is shining? I'm doing the best I can, but just not feeling it. An old friend of mine had a terrible accident last week, and I didn't know about it until last night. Not that I could do anything to make it any better, but oh God I wish I could.

I'm feeling better myself, as far as the bronchitis goes; the antibiotics are done. But I still would not say I'm sleeping 'well', especially last night after the shock and sad news.

I burned some papers today. It was just a few items, that represented something that didn't work out the way I'd hoped. They've been lurking around here, and every time I come across them I re-live a little bit of the disappointment. I thought that if I watched them go up into flames and disappear that it would help somehow, to let go of that bitterness.

I guess I am not cut out for this "chick stuff", (in the chick flicks someone burns documents and it's a turning point and a "yay!" moment of victory) ... I don't feel triumphant, or any of this bullshit called "closure". It seems like such a neat and tidy idea. Burn the traces, obliterate the sadness.

But... they didn't even burn completely. So there they were, still reminding me, and now what was I going to do with these charred fragments? Fabulous. I drowned them in water, and dumped them in the woods. Fuck it.