Dear blog

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you, Internets, but in truth after getting back from Pittsburgh I was exhausted and then we went to Buffalo a weekend later. This allowed us to visit cousins who kissed me and told me I looked great and gave me margaritas. I *love* cousins like that

We met my sister to reclaim my offspring and drove home. So in about nine days, it was over 24 hours of driving if my math is close to right. It destroyed my back because, welll.... It was about time for me to have problems with that. My radiation sites are Much! Better! and something has to be an obstacle to my running on a regular basis.

Summer seems to be almost over. We are going to use a house in Cape Cod for a few days; it was offered to us free of charge due to my illness... Very, very kind. I'm bringing running clothes when we go- isn't full-blown denial cute?

Dear summer, I wish you wouldn't leave just when I am finally starting to feel up to having a little fun. Fall is not really my best friend.

Phipps

I took off for a few days to Pittsburgh, to see my sister. It wasn't exactly spontaneous - it's been in the works for a while, and I got worried that I might not be able to go when I was dealing with my most recent bump in the road.

But we did make it there, and we went to the
http://phipps.conservatory.org/

This summer they have gargoyles everywhere. I loved it. I was a little bit stressed out (briefly) because I am borrowing a digital SLR these days and I didn't think ahead to charge up the battery. So I could take a couple of pictures, but then I had to turn offend camera.

I decided to embrace the situation and really THINK before I clicked ... It's so easy with digital to take far too many pictures. So I was pretty happy with what I ended up with. I didn't quite get them to flickr yet... But this is one shot.

Fun and games

With feeling better comes feeling GREAT. Joyful. And silly.

My daughter got faint-y having routine bloodwork done yesterday - we've all been there right? I was able to get her to laugh through her tears of mortification and then when we agreed she was a hot mess, she cried "I want cheesecake!" So she got it.

I am not keen on hot flashes, but whenever I have one I laugh at myself a little bit. It's bizarre to be cool all over but feel like your head is being put into a paraffin dip.

Yesterday I found some mousse in the closet. It's been so long since I've used hair products. My daughter bought me some shampoo that enhances brunette shine and we both pretend it is making my hair darker instead of salt and pepper gray. So I put some mousse in my hands, rubbed it through my 1/8" hair and turned to beam at my girl. "whaddya think?" She laughed. I did too, because it made no visible difference at all - "nothing? NOTHING?" - my hair is still too short to even noticeably spike. Oy.

This post brought to you by a song....

I wanna celebrate and live my life, singing hey- oh...

Confidential

Dear Diva,
Please get well soon!

Love,
One of your many fans

Not so fast

So if you're the wincy kind, this post is not for you.

Radiation burns peak a few days after the end of treatment, from the cumulative effects. Dirty little secret! You're done. But you're going to hurt MORE next week! Congratulations! Thanks for playing!

Oh, and you will need to drink gallons of water to help your body try to repair all those cells. You will not stop being thirsty, 24/7. Cheers!!

Currently I get the sensation every few minutes that a long ultra thin needle is piercing my skin. I can be sitting very still and ka-chaaaaa!!! It's fun sitting with my droids and trying to remember NOT to grab my jumblies when I feel the piercing pain.

The burned, crispy skin is cracking, and here and there a slab lifts up and looks something like a bit of highway that didn't fare too well in an earthquake. Mother of pearl, it hurts when one of those attached flakes gets jarred.

Saline soaks are da bomb, yo. It was funny when Doctor blue eyes asked one of the newer nurses if she knew how to teach a patient to do saline soaks. She looked at him, looked at me and said, "here is the saline, you take some of this gauze... And soak it." Then she and I cracked up at the same time. Pour saline on gauze, and apply it to your parched desert skin, and admire how it soaks into the cells and makes them un-crispy... for a little while.

In other news, I apparently can not tolerate Aquaphor ointment, which they hand out at DBE's the way a dentist gives out floss. It turns my skin a weird flaming red. Zexy!

Good times! Maybe I should run off and join a carnival. I'll keep you posted on that idea.

Yipeeeee

My friends on Fb are celebrating with me today. I'm done! One of my friends even mocked up a few shirts for me.

Going out to the track and will celebrate everyday life, today and every day.

One last shot

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living. -Ps 27:13

Can I just get through this month please?

Thursday I left work somewhat early; I wasn't feeling great. I had a fever spike to 101.6 during the night, and felt lousy all day Friday. Tired, achy, with fever coming and going.

My radiation sites were sore and I called the nurse line and couldn't make up my mind whether to go all the way down to that office, given that I had no energy and I had an appointment with my new primary care doc after lunch.

I was in tears at one point thinking "I just want to be DONE with all of this." I am tired of being sick; I want to feel better and get back to my life. Such a simple thing, but I am about at my limit, and believe me I understand that there are people with much more to deal with for much longer.

My new doctor didn't like the looks of things and did some bloodwork; she called me back at 9:30 to say that my counts weren't good and I probably have cellulitis. Do not google pictures of that on your phone while you are eating a snack, by the way.

She wanted me to go to the ER, to get IV antibiotics. Um, now? Yes. An ER at 10pm on a Friday night? Mr. Carly and I looked at each other and thought that sounded like the most fun EVER. Not. I was kicking myself for not going down to the oncology office IN THE DAYLIGHT.

He suggested I call my radiology oncologist's 24 hour number to see which hospital they recommended. On a Friday night. At 10 pm. When I had just been getting ready to go to SLEEP. So I called.

While I waited for the answering service to contact whoever was on call I started pulling out a few things I might need into a tote bag in case I ended up being admitted for an overnight "vacation". I was seriously dreading a long night ahead.

My favorite doctor in the group - the one that I normally see, he of the big blue eyes, called and cracked me up by announcing himself "hi, it's Todd." Lest you think I am completely smitten with him, my brother in law worked with him for quite a while and so he once remarked to a nurse that Mr. C and I are like family.

I told him my counts and he said Nooooooo you don't need to go to the ER tonight; I can call in a prescription to a 24 hour pharmacy. Ok, so at that point I would have to say I was a little bit smitten.

He said that if my WBC was below a 1 or if I was still in the middle of chemo I might have needed to go in, but he let me off the hook for now with instructions to call back if my fever got out of control.

I waited at home while Mr. C and my darling daughter went to fetch me some bigass Levaquin pills. Then I got to go to SLEEP in my own bed. Bonus.

So I am writing this from my couch, happily; I just woke up a little while with the help of my iphone and took some Tylenol and so far so good. Of course, now I'm wide awake. But the part about MY COUCH makes it ok.

Dear cancer, please leave me alone now. Kthanks.

Sneaky droids

My boss sent me an email the other day asking me if I wanted to go out to lunch today. She is a contract employee like me, and doesn't have a corporate expense card to whip out for these occasions, so I really appreciated it.

Today I woke up not feeling great. Tired, achy, and so on. Almost like I had a touch of the flu. I made some toast and tea and dragged myself in.

It's been quieter in the office since we got rid of the new guy. He had started well after me, and didn't catch a clue to be as quiet as possible since six of us were sharing a workspace. He was taking cell phone calls literally all day long for a business he was running on the side. Noisy and obnoxious, and my droids and I couldn't stand him. We started to log his coming and goings and phonecalls and then we proved he lied on his timecard. Buh bye! Never piss of a bunch of geeks.

One of my coworkers is an EMT and he keeps an eye out for me. We had a conversation about his dad, who went through radiation, and how the effects can linger. He suggested that maybe it would be best for me to leave midafternoon, and take tomorrow off since I have a doctor appointment in the afternoon, and I was only going to be in the office about three hours anyway.

For me the last few treatments were a "boost" concentrated on the location of the tumors. I think they are catching up to me a bit. I didn't eat much yesterday, and I am supposed to be eating extra protein to help my body repair itself. I'm dragging.

So I stopped in to see my boss. One of my lunch friends was there and she kind of gave me a weird look (she's a project manager who works with us) and then she left. I was thinking about leaving then, but I chickened out.

I told my boss I'd probably leave early and then we talked about where to go for lunch. It was really quiet the rest of the morning and when I went to go meet her at lunchtime I didn't realize that no one seemed to be around.

She and I walked into the restaurant and there was a table filled with my entire team, grinning from ear to ear. They got me. They had all been sneaking out to get to the restaurant before me, and I hadn't even noticed. Gotta watch those droids!

They bought me lunch and gave me a card and told me they'd been planning this for a while. I promised them that pretty soon I would stop slacking off and do more work. Love my geeks!

Normal isn't

Today I got up, went to work, then home for dinner. Now I am sitting on my porch. It's a cool summer evening and there are thunderstorms somewhere off in the distance.

Note the absence of waiting rooms and treatments in my day. Sweet.

It hasn't truly set in that I'm done, even though my chemo oncologist said "you can go back to your life" last week when I asked him if I could train for a 5k. (I didn't run today. Too hot. I'm tired and still a little burned from treatments; that will last a couple of weeks. But I don't have to GO THERE. )

Every day for the last eight months has pretty much been dominated by having cancer. Go to this appointment, go to that one. Recover from one part of the process and get ready for the next.

I don't have to go to the doctor for a whole MONTH, internets! Awesome.

Leaving it behind

Today is my last radiation treatment. Shhhh. Don't tell the other people on facebook. I started a countdown to August first a while back, assuming I might have some hitch or misstep but surely I would be done w radiation by the end of this week. So Sunday will be about celebrating being lucky and happy to be alive and will be the anniversary duly noted, hopefully for many years to come.

Today will be it for treatments though. My adorable doctor with big blue eyes bid me a happy graduation yesterday and laughed at a funny story about my brother in law (who used to work with him. I don't just tell random stories ya know... Well not to my Dr at least...)

I brought this table to the waiting room as an offering... I asked first of course. They were delighted.

Now when other people sit and do puzzles, it won't be on two mini end tables pushed together with the puzzle falling in the gap.

I am trying to declutter my family room. I've been mentally rearranging it in my head over and over the past eight months while I have sat on my couch waiting go feel better. The table has to go, even though I think it's beautiful. We painted the fireplace white, and it looks awesome. More to come on all of that.

I wrote a little hidden message in sharpie on the bottom of the table. In tiny letters... I wrote something someone said to me, the day I got my diagnosis.

Happy, happy, fight.

Sunday Art - Birch

bark
Originally uploaded by carlyq80

This is my favorite image that I photographed today (I participated in something called the World Wide Photo Walk. There were only two other people who signed up to walk with me. Drew had agreed to be my assistant... but hey, you got to concentrate on your own pictures!) So my speech as walk leader was rather short and I forgot to say that flower photos don't win contests.

(That was advice given by a walk leader last year, who then chose a picture of a bee landing on a flower as his walk's winning photo. I had a great flower picture I didn't enter because of the snarky.)

It was rainy today and I was annoyed by that. Can't win them all. Overcast weather does cut down on glare, I can say that. Downtown Bennington is a little bit dreary. Lots of empty buildings. I'd like to win the lotto and go in there and turn the town on its ear, but step one would be to bring in a Starbucks and then the locals would REALLY hate me.

I dragged my family along. My daughter brought along her friend, who had never been to Vermont (we live less than an hour from Bennington). She bought a stuffed animal and tried to trick me by pretending that she had found a live kitten. I almost fell for it. That right there kind of sums up some of the more random parts of the day, but it was a nice break from the endless round of treatment visits.

I can't help but wonder if this image is the one I am most drawn to because I, too, am peeling. But that's a post for another day.

An uneasy truce

So. It's one of those "one step up and two steps back" situations, or is it the other way around?

I have an uneasy peace with the bald, which exists because I try not to look at it or think about it very much.

I got used to being in the wig. In part, because it kind of looked like my hair. It fooled a lot if people.

When I look at photos of the day I shaved my head, I look - to me - a little bit shell shocked. But the photos of the wig looked enough like I really did still have hair.

It sank in as time went by. I would catch sight of myself in the mirror at home and remember that my hair was gone. I wore the wig one or two times when it was HOT because I couldn't stand to have certain sets of people see me in bandannas.

Then I started with bandannas during my daily Starbucks stops ; getting used to people noticing. I worked up to going in there bareheaded. Trying not to look down immediately after catching someone's eye. Adults notice, blink, and look the other way to give you space. Kids don't. It makes me a little sad when I can see that I kind of scare a kid. Because unusual and different can be scary: the big eyes give it away. Then they reach for Mom's hand and the fault line through my heart splits a little bit wider. Only the earth doesn't swallow me up, and I stand there, waiting my turn in line.

If I am having good day and I say a cheerful "hi" with a smile, about half of the time a woman will say hi back. The ones that don't, I figure are distracted / bitches / or lost someone or I remind them of sadness or something they fear. So I know it's not personal. It's kind of unavoidable. And for the record, Starbucks barristas are pretty cool, usually. Very kind. And a venti iced classic black tea with a splash of lemonade gets me through the tiring drive down one highway, over another, and then back home.

But it still sucks when I see that awkward glance. Today the bitchy little miss perfect who sits near me sort of sniffed down her nose at me in the bathroom. Kind of a thought cloud over her head that "I would never be caught dead in public with hair like that". She of the long, shiny fabulous hair that makes my heart ache. But apparently she HAS NO HEART because common compassion would dictate that when a chick who is obviously sick says hello to you in a ladies room when you walk in and stare at her, FUCKING SAY HELLO.
Again, she's bitchy, so I don't give her much weight, most days.

But I went to lunch today and this woman that I really do like was there. I havent seen her since I stopped wearing bandannas to work last week She's sweet, and I know it came from kindness, but she went overboard telling me how cute it is (my fuzzy head) and how much she likes it and I should keep it short and not color it.

The thing is, I don't want it to be lunch conversation. It's an elephant in the room for me all the time now. It made me really blue. I don't WANT it this short and everyone is sweet but I would still MUCH rather have it my old color and old cut. I guess that's why it stung. Don't praise it as a style choice because I really had no choice, and I am really just tired of wearing the wig and it's 90 degrees every day.

Don't try to convince me it's cute, because I will really never believe. I just want my own hair back, but I have to wait.

Fortunately, I seem to have the luxury of having time to plan on growing it back.

Dreams

I've had the dream before.

I'm at college on my first day and I can't find my schedule; I am late for class and I don't even know what class I should be in or where I should go. I'm frantic and floundering and doing stupid things, like washing my hair while a bus waits for me

I've had the dream when concerns simmered about a new phase or major event in my life approached. Anxiety about being ready and capable has processed itself in my subconscious, again and again over the course of my life.

This time it was different.

I dreamed that I was packing - to graduate from college and move on.

There was some sort of stupid television show or movie on, but I walked away from it and didn't care. I'm learning not to get all caught up in some people's little squabbles and drama. Not to worry about what certain people say. Noise in the background that I've learned to ignore and just get on with what's really important in life. Not that I'm really perfect at that... The tv WAS on, and I was still listening. ;-) I just wasn't letting it dominate my attention.

There were people in the dream, vague roommates and acquaintances, and I was interacting with them and hugging them and so on, but they weren't people I recognized from my "real" world. I assume that they were there to represent my medical people and fellow patients. People who I'm fond of but will be moving on from.

There was some sort of little wire box. It was empty. I'm not sure if it was for letters(old school with stamps and all that) or makeup. But it was empty. Wait- there were two. So maybe both. I could happily do without any more mail - no more bills. No more bad news. Pack up THAT mailbox please. As for the empty makeup holder, I guess that shows me not hiding how I look anymore, finally pretty much comfortable. (but I still DO want hair! I kept that container in the dream, sort of an "I will still need that" decision- I mean, I still want to look nice!)

So, this is what having to wake up at five a.m. gets me. An awareness that I really AM close to the end of this part of my life, and SO ready to move forward again.

How funny that the alarm clock woke me up before the end. And I'm not just talking about a dream, this morning. Cancer was the alarm clock. It woke me up, in many ways.

Aloe? Is anyone there?

I am mighty tired of using Aloe to keep my skin from crunching and blistering. What I'm tired of is actually the waiting around for it to dry...

I have about a week and a half to go but the official countdown is to august first so that I'm SURE I'll be done with radiation. My collarbone doesn't look great but suggests that I'm clumsy with a curling iron (which is funny because I have 1/8" of hair ... Are you with me, Internets?)

Charting my progress

This graph shows how I've been feeling... better every day. Taken on my iPhone and edited with photogene which I use on almost every photo to crop, straighten, adjust levels, etc.

I am so fortunate that my biggest challenge so far during my radiation treatments has been a small radiation burn on either side of my collar bone.

The fatigue is not bad and I was just debating going for a quick walk/ run before it gets too hot.

Yesterday I talked with the wife of a man I see at most of my radiation treatments. He gets the mask... If you need radiation to the head or neck, the techs make a custom mesh mask fittied to your face, and then for every treatment they... (deep breath)... fasten it to the table so that you don't move at all (the radiation needs to be aimed VERY precisely).

My heart aches for all of the masks I see just in this ONE treatment room. And my hat is off to M who is brave enough to get on that table 33 times. All I have to do is lie there with my arms over my head. And sleep.

Tech savvy safety for those damn kids

Here are a few tidbits I'd like to share with you so we can all try to keep our kids out of trouble. Because it's summer and they're all sleeping until 11:00 a.m. and then causing all sorts of mayhem, while we are hard at work earning money to pay for their sweet sixteen birthday parties.

#1 Change your iTunes password TODAY. Consider taking your credit card information out of your profile for a little while. Or switch to buying gift cards.

While Apple has been putting the best spin on the iPhone 4's not sooo gooood antenna, hackers have been quietly stealing passwords and selling them, and the media just can't bear to cover TWO iStories at once. My friend got hit for HUNDREDS of dollars over the July 4th weekend. Gawker had a story about this a week or two ago. Apple won't care if your credit card info is fraudulently used, Moms. That will be up to you to sort out with the bank.

#2 Tell your kids NOT to put "we're going on vacation!" as their status on Facebook. Because nothing says "come steal all of my mother's jewelry and drink my father's booze" quite so clearly. You like the family jewels, right? Well, he won't let you near them if someone comes in and drinks all of his booze.

#3 Set up your Wii to stream movies from netflix over your wireless router, as a peace offering to the little darlings BUT *set parental controls* (just search for that phrase in the online help) or your kids will watch the Flavor Flav Roast long enough to see him get called a feece with teeth, or something equally horrible that you don't want them to repeat at Catholic school in the fall.

#4 Mention that texting to Canada is really, really expensive. Because it is, even with unlimited texting. Don't ask me who my boss's son was texting. It was $80 in one month or something crazy like that.

#5 Remind your kids that sexting is bad. On a completely unrelated topic, my radiology team joked after they drew circles on me(see my previous post) that they were taking pictures of me for medical records, but also for the Internet. And I may or may not have sent an actual photo of me to my sister (with headlights covered, thank you). She may or may not have replied that either a toddler got to me with a sharpie while I was "sleeping" or that someone drew a drunk stick man's face on me.

#6 I've also read that in airports, people smarter than me are setting up connections that look like the airport's free Wifi but actually run through their own laptops, to let themselves see everything you're doing. They can steal your important data and passwords, and not just the strange picture you're sexting to someone. Ahem. I'm sure there are stories about this on Snopes that will definitively answer whether this is true.

#7. Don't let your kids tell you that you need to buy the complete collection of DVDs of LOST to get the 12 new minutes the producers wouldn't give us in the 12 hour finale. It will be on the individual season 6 DVD set also, and I love you Hurley,...

This is how I look now

So... today at my radiation appointment the technicians prepared me for the final frontier... I mean phase.

From now on I will no longer have radiation over the entire surface of... each... you're with me, aren't you?

For the remainder of my treatments the radiation will be targeted much more specifically to the incisions from my surgeries. So today the doctor supervised and techs drew on me. Seriously, my upper torso LOOKS LIKE THIS.

They used some form of permanent marker to make lovely circles, put an x in the middle of each, and marked the end of each incision with dots. Giant sloppy circles. It's REALLY charming.

By the way, yes, I glitter in the sunlight.

Puzzles

At my radiation oncologist's office there is always a puzzle laid out on the coffee table in the waiting room. This is the one that we just finished, and it's one of my favorites. Vegas, baby!

The puzzles serve as a steady distraction, if a patient is alone in the waiting room. No fretting about that walk past the big vault door. Lose yourself in finding the blue piece with a bit of white on one edge, and the minutes fly by.

They are also an icebreaker. We greet each other and marvel at how much got done after we left yesterday, or complain that we are STILL doing this one; we hunt for that elusive piece that will complete an entire area, or laugh at how some people can pick up a random piece and just KNOW where it goes.

It's very different from my chemo experience, where I never really saw the same people from one visit to the next.

In a crazy twist of fate, someone who used to be one of my higher up managers is there every day with her friend, another woman I knew from the bank. So our familiarity has drawn other people into the circle of conversations. We are a lively, rowdy bunch, having fun while we eradicate those last wicked little cells surgery and chemo may have left behind.

I'll never be able to look at a 1,000 piece puzzle again without thinking of the people I've spent the last few weeks with.

Whoopsie

This was supposed to be the photo for the Crazy Butterfly post

:::glares at iPhone :::

Crazy butterfly

I came home after radiation, stopping at my least favorite place, the supermarket. The clerk stuffed all my bread in one bag and it was like I never got any time away from that chore.

It's a little bit rainy, but I'm sitting on the porch and laughing at this crazy ass butterfly... It has been swooping around my deck area in circles for ten minutes now and finally landed on the gutter.

Yo, butterfly ... Stop throwing yourself at my screen windows.

Home stretch

I am entering the home stretch of my radiation treatment - for the next two weeks I have appointments at 3:30 every day. After this Friday to radiation field goes down to just the incision sites, so that will give my itchy sore skin a break too.

On the way home I was plotting simply eating the rest of the maple cream with a spoon, when I remembered I had some snack cup sized portions of diced peaches, and biscuit mix. Not as good as real fresh peaches, but not a bad idea!

I did a very scientific process of making a batch of batter, adding the peaches, then adding more mix until it looked right.

Baked until they looked done - as i said, very scientific. Drizzled lots of maple cream over the warm biscuits.

Yum yum yum. Awesome.

Dinner

Yum, I so happy that it is summer and food tastes good again...

This

This is a lovely nonstick grill pan.

This was in my cupboard, neatly put away by my child.

This probably came out of the dishwasher.

This is NOT clean, at all.

This is why I will eat so much maple cream tonight,....

Yum

Pioneer Woman's cookbook has been on my coffee table since right before I got sick. Today we got peaches at the farmer's market and I made PW's peach crisp with maple cream.

Oh. My.

I could eat the whole batch of cream. Just give me a box of Graham crackers and go away.

This shows the peaches with only about 1/3 of the crumble mix. Can't wait to have this later!

And just like that

I am a runner again. This is a shirt I bought at the Susan B. Komen run a couple of years ago. I put it on today and did a very easy beginner's run of 2/3 walking. Just one minute "bursts" of a gentle jog here and there, with iPod and water bottle. It's in the low 70's and breezy and overcast so this was perfect running weather.

It's pretty much the only pink ribbon I can tolerate. You might not understand if you haven't been sick, but it's too close for comfort to see that ribbon sometimes.

It tends to be a visual reminder of that first panicky wave of "I have cancer?!" and feelings bubble up about "Why is it always on my mind... and now there are cute ribbons in my face too, should I manage to forget for a minute." A tangible thing to focus my hatred of the disease upon, ...and anger at the frustration of having to interrupt my life for the past six, no, seven months and letting this dictate my agenda to me despite things I'd rather be doing.

It's just a little pink ribbon. I know how much good it does, truly. That's why I bought the shirt when I was healthy. Because of the ribbon, I went to Look Good Feel Better, and I did and I do... I just wish we didn't need pink ribbons and that breast cancer had never knocked on my door.

Hi ho

I'm really over this whole "off to work I go" thing. A bunch of us at lunch were wondering why some angry feminists we never even met screwed up our deal of being able to sit home all day and watch soap operas and wear our pearls and stuff.

But it was just that kind of day. Short work weeks seem to torture us somehow, don't they? And one coworker flapping his wings... or gums... can make ripples of annoyance that spread outward, and then people waste more time complaining about him keeping them from concentrating on their work, and then the annoyed become annoying. Managers have to deal with keeping the peace on the playground.

Corporate America is highly overrated.

Why have I not won the lottery yet? It's something like $72 million right now.
Time to go to sleep dreaming of how I would spend that!

Thank yous

In chronological order, I think:

• thank you to the lady who walked into the first floor bathroom as I was about to put the wig on to go upstairs. She told me I didn't need it, it's too hot today (over 100* around here) and when I started to cry she asked if she could give me a hug, and then talked to me until I felt better, and told me where she worked in case I needed to talk again
• thank you to "the cool kids" who took me into their club at lunch a few months ago, and have been watching over me like mother hens... and, uh, roosters. Today they complimented my "doo rag" / bandanna, which has dragonflies all over it, and then decided I needed a biker name if I am going to wear bandannas to work like a biker chick. They will now be calling me Margarita, and I need to remember to answer to that.
• thank you Starbucks, for overpriced ice teas with a splash of lemonade on a hot day, because that little "treat" makes going to radiation a little bit more bearable every day, and by the way your tiny donuts with pink icing are not bad either
• thank you to the eye doctor's assistant who will be squeezing in an appointment for me this week so that I can try to find out what that weird bubble is on the white of my eye.
• thank you to the technicians who noticed me crying when they came back into the room to reposition the machine for the second pass, and asked what was wrong, which made me cry more... but they actually did want to do whatever they could for me. She commiserated with me when I explained about a conversation I'd had on the way there, that "Oh, (people) can be quite upsetting sometimes." He told me that actually, when he tattooed me, each dot was a design... you just have to look with a magnifying glass to see a rose, a star, etc... they're just dots... but he got me kleenex and made me laugh and didn't sigh about needing to finish the treatment
• thank you to my doctor, who is kind of hot actually, but I can't contemplate that because I have to flash him at regular intervals, because he encourages me at every visit about how well my treatments are going, and he told me today that I probably won't need a PET scan, and explained why, just as patiently as he answers all of my other random questions.
• thank you to my friend, who listened to me cry AGAIN today about my stupid bald head and my nails that are peeling off, and when I said "I just want to be normal again" said that it was difficult to refrain from the obvious joke, but seeing as I have cancer and all, would not tell me I was never normal
• thank you to P, who understands that whole deal that made me cry on the table and didn't say "hey, at least you didn't fall asleep today". Come on, I know you were thinking it.
• thank you to my children, who do dishes and laundry, so I don't have to. Wait. They still don't know I have a blog. Nevermind.

thank you, thank you. I am so lucky, to have so many people be kind to me, in the midst of all this dreck.

Another iPhone shot

This one is called "It's hot and I'm thirsty again"....

Venti iced classic black tea with a splash of lemonade and one pump of sugar syrup. Gone in the blink of an eye on this hot, hot day.

Inspired by my online photo class assignment, but not shot with my "real" camera.

As they say, sometimes the best camera is one you have with you. I used an app called CinemaFX to transform the image to the "Egyptian gold"en glow you see here. The app has a definite Twilight flair, as at least two of the styles/ themes relate to vampires... but I like it. You can instantly preview your original shot with all of the styles, select the one you like, and adjust the level of the change before applying.

Star Spangled Banner

I watched Archuletta sing a forgettable cover of our anthem just now, and had to pull up Whitney on YouTube to show the young whippersnappers what a real singer used to be able to do with that song.

Still gives me goosebumps....all these years later. Here it is on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1h9NN5FhJ7I&feature=youtube_gdata

In other news, our grilling was a flaming sort of fail tonight but a least no bombs burst in air... Or propane tanks.

Chocolate covered cherries are salvaging my mood...

Sunday art - traditions

Third time trying to post this... Three strikes you're out, blogger.

My wonderful friend sent me a gift certificate to enroll in a class at Big Picture Scrapbooking. Today's assignment was to capture how I spend my fourth and the traditional things we associate with it.

For me the fourth of July weekend wouldn't be complete without going up to the sweltering hot choir loft to perform this song with Bette and Stanley. I love that the music cost only fifteen cents... Everything about this piece of music says "America" to me.

Thanks again A !

Separation anxiety

My eyelashes have almost all fallen out.

My eyebrows are rapidly falling out too.

Now, parts of three of my fingernails have separated from the nail bed, so I've had to clip them because they catch on things otherwise.

I am SO discouraged. I have been done with chemo for almost EIGHT weeks and I feel like it's getting worse instead of better. And I just want to BE better. I want so badly to be done, to be free of all of these aftershocks. To take a shower without missing my hair. To look in the mirror, without sighing and reminding myself that it's what's on the inside that counts. To walk through the market without having to decide whether to be too hot in the wig, quirky in a print scarf, or very conspicuously fuzzy bald. I'm tired of noticing people notice me.

Tired of having people walk into the ladies room while I am moving the wig from side to side, making a futile attempt to make it sit more comfortably. Or worse, they walk in while I have it off, and I am rubbing the indentations it leaves on my head. It's juuuuust tight enough to leave marks, no matter what I do. (I'm thinking of feeding it to a paper shredder, at the end of this, by the way....) So they don't know what to do or say, and they say nothing.

This is Threat Level Yellow. We've passed the point of music cheering me up. I'm going to have to watch The Hangover, because it's the only thing that I think will make me laugh right now. Sitting here crying isn't going to grow these nails back. Stupid chemo.

My weekend plans

...are something like this.

Ok, well, not really. But, relaxing on the porch, doing some art,
grilling some ribs...

I may or may not go down to see fireworks. Finding the parking at the
festival running all day may be a deterrent.

Enjoy your holiday... Wear a helmet, don't let your kids blow their
little fingers off, and kiss a soldier to say Thanks.

Rad

Rad is on my calendar TOO often. I'm tired of schlepping down the
highway to my appointments. Tired of coming home and being too tired
to do anything useful.

Today I detoured for some insanely good pizza. The place is called I
Love NY and they aim for pizza just as good as you'd get down in the
city. I like the one with slices of tomato, ranch dressing, and bacon;
or sometimes the philly cheese steak and onions variety Yum. Today I
had BOTH. When I used to drag some of my coworkers there they would
get the buffalo wing variety. No tomato sauce. Just bits of chicken,
hot sauce, and some sort of cheese...

After two slices of pizza, clothes shopping should not have been
nearly as much fun as it was. Things FIT!! I found things I liked that
were on sale! I kept looking for Demi Moore's boytoy to appear and say
I was punked.

I have been wanting to buy some clothes for a while. I've been wearing
a couple of pairs of pants I got just before Christmas ( I wore one to
my job interview after finding out it was business casual there) and
they are now very loose. Like, a size or two too big. Don't forget the
belt.

I'm not sure what the droids will do if I don't wear the same three
outfits over and over anymore. I don't want to alarm them...

One last technical shot

This is approximately what I see over me while I receive radiation
treatments. (The tiny round circle is more like over my navel, so
rotate this image accordingly. Numbers are projected out of that, onto
your body, and that helps Tech line me up correctly every time)

The slices of metal are motorized. It's actually pretty fucking cool,
as far as Things That Suck... while the radiation is coming out, they
move from a more open shape with a few straight sides, to a smaller
one (not at all like this weird shape actually shown) and then farther
open again but yet another shape. It's individually mapped out for
each patient, and I have five tattoo dots they use to align me.

The whale

This is the machine that I fell asleep under the other day. Say hi to
the nice tech who didn't laugh at me, and always compliments my shoes.

Doesn't the machine look alive? Head bowed(see the eye shape?), arms
spread wide to wrap around the unsuspecting Tech... because she would
make a nice crunchy midnight snack... LOOK OUT!!!!

Hanging around

...watching the world cup game, relaxing a bit.

Here's another photo from my Day In The Life Of a Wedding
Photographer... This is, of course, the bridal gown, along with the
dress worn by the little flower girl in my previous post. Thanks for
the post processing, Drew!

Sunday art

Yes, it's Saturday morning. Shhhhh. Don't wake them up!!!

This is a picture I took when I played wedding photographer for a day.

I don't normally put photos I have taken of other people's children
into my blog. Some parents very rightfully so don't want their
children's images online. I will make an exception here because I'm
not using her name or face.

I have an adorable picture of the ringbearer asleep on Dad's shoulder.
It hurts me to not share, with his golden brown curly hair... Sigh.

The flowergirl was very tiny. I believe she was two. Her grandmother
brought her to the suite and slipped out while I was showing her that
the white purse was full of silk flower petals, and Look! We can
sprinkle them, and pick them up and put them back in our purse!

She was VERY quiet, not knowing me, and the bridal party was just in
the early stages of hair and makeup. So at one point she walked over
and peeked in on everything that was going on, and I took this shot.

Selective color can be cliché but in this picture it seems to work
well. I like the way it got rid of the chaos of objects of all
different colors that were scattered around her. Plain black and white
didn't work for me because of all the "stuff". I might drop the
saturation down because wowie, that shirt is a bit bright this morning.

Take a picture today, of something or someone you love. Tell them
Carly says to say cheeeeeeesecake.

Surveillance

I want to go where you're going, whoever you are...

I need a kayak ride but I don't have the endurance for one about now.
I walked up a small hill today and almost needed a medic! However I
did stay awake for radiation.

Letting go

There is a moment that I have experienced several times just after the
techs say "OK, here we go" and walk out of the room to hit what I'm
sure must be a giant red button.

Digression #1:
Nevermind that this is a new state of the art radiation machine with a
giant window over me that reveals lead "fins" that slide around on
their own accord, opening carefully to make various shapes and
patterns while emitting the dose of radiation.

(Digression #2: Dammit iPhone. Stop changing patterns to Patterson.
Son of a peach pit I hate autocorrect sometimes.)

Ok. Back to the moment. It's a tiny flash of COMPLETE, TOTAL PANIC.
Where that flight instinct rears up and I flash on "Hell no! I have to
get off this table and get out of here!"

I am prepared for it now. The very first day, I think I might have
jumped ship for real, if I hadn't had a good cry in private right
before that appointment. Caught me somewhat off guard, it did.

Now I know I will have that brief flash of fear every time, and when
it hits I just squeeze the hand grips a bit tighter, and try not to
move off the edge of one shoulder blade.

(Digression #3: The techs position me, and I understand why, but it's
NOT comfortable. The first thing they do is slide my hips toward the
right side of the table, then tug the sheet I'm on, right by my waist,
straight up toward the ceiling so I am on an edge of that left
shoulder blade bone. For kicks the other day I said, "let me see if I
can get my shoulder into that alignment without you moving me". The
tech laughed when I did; I was SPOT ON with the tattoo marks and where
the lights from the machine needed to hit. )

But it's easier to "lay heavy" and not try to help them move me -it's
better to just let the techs do their adjustments. My one lucky guess
aside, they are quicker and I can't see the measurement numbers being
projected onto my body.

There has been a fair amount of surrender during this process. Letting
myself stay in bed to rest and recover from surgery. Letting nurses
dress an open wound. Finding a way to let the time drift by when sleep
won't come. Staying home watching tv with one eye open while the world
races by just out of my reach. Letting other people cook and handle a
crisis or two for my children. And now, surrendering to the machine,
even though that big grey whale scares the crap out of me for those
brief moments. Letting it do its job and not running in fear.

Every now and then however, I perhaps "let go" a little TOO MUCH.

I fell asleep on the treatment table today.

Yup.

Too tired plus being on my back with my eyes closed... I startled
awake when the techs came in to adjust me for the second part of the
treatment.

I drifted off again, while they were sliding the table around in tiny
increments. I sort of twitched awake just as she touched me. Ooops.
Busted.

They left the room and hit the big red button and I FELL ASLEEP FOR A
THIRD TIME. Out. Cold. Zonk.

It's all about letting go.

Over the rainbow

Five years ago this summer, I was in Lake Placid. I was walking down
the quiet streets near the Mirror Lake Inn after dinner. From a nearby
house I heard Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, (who I totally just had to
google, may he rest in peace but what is up with that name?) singing
"Somewhere over the rainbow".

The song arrangement is mellow and serene, but it made me
overwhelmingly sad. I wanted to cry, standing right there in the
street. There were negative things going on in my head, and it
amplified them.

Fastforward five years...

I came late to the "Glee" bandwagon. I was dimly aware of it while I
was sick. I watched part of the next to last episode while the males
around here rolled their eyes and did everything they could to get me
to change the channel.

I watched the season finale, which ended with the teacher singing the
same song to his students. This time, the song felt very comfortable
and I couldn't immediately explain why, but it felt like a bookend for
me.

In the past I have definitely gone through stretches where I complain,
complain, complain. I don't want to be that person anymore.

When I first got sick my friend gave me her copy of The Secret. I read
a few pages and got what I needed from it: put positive out into the
world.

Since being diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer I have tried to put
my feet on the floor every morning and hope for the best. I have
focused on getting things done one step at a time. Surgery. Done. Part
one of three treatments. On to chemo. Done. Now radiation.

When I had to go back into the hospital (an incision opened and I
needed IV antibiotics) I focused on feeling the love people were
sending to my phone. A couple of my favorite people snuck in to see me
and I delighted in having them just sit on the side of my bed and hold
my hand.

My facebook friends have been there 24/7 for me. Every day I wake up,
put SOME sort of cheesy little cornball Pollyanna sunshine status out
there, and get at least ten replies, scattered across the day, and it
helps me to feel positive.

I have been feeling physically very good the last few days compared to
mid-chemo. So mentally, I'm doing cartwheels.

Today at my radiation appointment I parked and recognized the people
parking next to me. The husband is the one in treatment. His wife
struck up a conversation in the waiting area by asking me how I was
managing to drive myself to my appointments every day. Because I am
bald, they assumed I was getting my chemo NOW because that's what some
people do - concurrent treatments - based on their particular
illness / stage etc.

It felt good to be able to encourage someone, to say, "you will feel
better before the next round. I felt as bad as you do now, and I never
could have driven myself here just a couple of days after chemo, so
don't be too discouraged about how you feel today."

We talked about food and when I said "try eating salmon" and he perked
up and said "that DOES sound kinda good" I felt like I had just hit
one out of the park.

When I am farther down this road, I am considering whether I would
like to either retrain for a career that combines technology and
treatment, or at least just volunteer in some way to help people
through this process.

Somewhere... that's where you'll find me.

Super Carly

Having conquered cancer (in the nearish future), SuperCarly will soon
bring perfect order to her household.

Magical things will happen!

Children will not leave pulsating toothpaste blobs all over the sink.
They will do chores without being told! SuperCarly will never find a
half eaten bowl of cereal or clothes that have been in the washer
getting sour for two days. (if she /should/ somehow happen to find one
of those things she will be SO ZEN IT JUST WON'T MATTER...)

She will remember to send her bills in on time, and finally catch up
on printing digital pictures. Her desk will be a shiny piece of
furniture and not a large heap of papers awaiting attention.

She will either learn to play the guitar she has had for 30 years, or
unload it on Craigslist, since a friend re-strung it for her a year or
two ago.

She will get out of bed on time in the morning, get to work early, and
she will also bring a healthy lunch every day. Of course!

I guess it won't be this easy. But it will be nice to have more NORMAL
problems than "what is this little bubble on the white of my eye and
will it get worse? Is it from the chemo?" and or "when will my skin
get red and peel from radiation? Can I ever wear a regular bra again?"

But I guess if I had that Wonder Woman outfit that last one wouldn't
be a problem, huh?

Take me out

So, little league game tonight. A three year old boy I sort of know
was climbing around the bleachers near me and stopped, looked me in
the eye, and asked "hey why are you wearing that?"

I've been wearing chemo scarves from an Etsy store called English
Gardens. They're hats that look like a tied bandanna but they are
sewed so theyre much easier than tying an actual bandanna when you're
sick.

It was almost 90 today and sweaty wig sliding around on my head? No
thanks.

So obviously Noah had figured out I have no hair and wanted to know
what that was about. It made me laugh, because he's a cute little kid.
I pushed the scarf back on my forehead said "I have no hair and my
head gets cold" and smiled at him. He gave me a wild eyed look and
took off.

Twenty minutes later he marched up to me again. "Why don't you have
hair?" His grandparents were right behind me and I think they plotzed
a little. Without even really thinking about it I said "oh I was sick
honey, but I'm better now and it will grow back. Wanna see? " I
whipped off the scarf completely and he kind of stared, like
"woahhhh". I have some white peach fuzz and he took that in for a
split second, finally speechless. It made me laugh.

A long way to come from about six months ago (the day I got my
diagnosis) when I sobbed all the way down the northway in my friend's
car because I was so afraid of chemo and losing my hair. I still hate
being bald, I'm tired of wearing an itchy wig, but I am not as
bothered by people I don't really know seeing me in the bandanna at
least.

There are a couple of people that I still don't want to be bald in
front of. I don't want to look old and sick and, well, unsexy perhaps
isn't the right word but I'm reaching for something about feminine
pretty hair. I used to get random complents from strangers about the
color of my hair,etc and I miss it like an old friend who has moved
across the country suddenly.

I also can't bring myself to wear a bandanna at work because there are
so many twenty and barely thirty year old beautiful girls. I don't
want to be the old weird bald chick that people don't even know, and
they notice me only because I'm bald. I guess I don't want THAT to be
the way I get on people's radar.

The funny thing is that a few people have said I have a pretty head
and I truly don't get it. I look like an egghead to me, and that's not
fishing for a compliment. It is what it is.

My friend asked me last night if I wished I was back at the bank. I
don't think so, because while I have a few friends from there I love
dearly, I would be too annoyed by a couple of people to be comfortable
in scarves or without anything on my head

My legs have a bit of white fuzz, but now my eyelashes are falling
out. Enough! I really do want my hair back. Follicles, woud you please
get it together??? Kthanx.

So let's see. As I get progressively worse at updating my blog,

Radiation is much easier than getting an iv, having poison pumped in,
and then getting drugs that make you hurt all over. I'm doing what
they said as far as skin care and hoping for the best. Brian, who
draws on me regularly with a Sharpie, is explaining the (new, state of
the art) machine to me, so by the time my treatment is done I will be
a rad tech too. Isn't that how it works?

If the machine is so new, I want to ask, why is it painted gray like
it was built in 1942? I also need to ask if they have given this
machine a name. It's so very cool the ways parts of it spin around me.

I brought fudge yesterday because I am a giant suckup and it's always
served me pretty well in the past. The nurse I gave it to seemed
pretty darn delighted. Next, scotchies. Best cookies ever. When I feel
better. Mama's SO tired.

It's probably not good that we all stayed up till midnight with Suzy.
But, we were watching Bachelorette and laughing in horror and nobody
wanted it to end.

Please text me in an hour and wake me. Kthanx.

Rain rain

Rain, rain... Go away... I am tired of chilly gray weather.

I planted these just a couple of days ago.. Maybe 2-3 days. Now I
have to figure out where to stick about 12 sunflowers.

Hit me with your laser beams

Went for my pre-radiation xrays today. This involved lying on a thin
table while green lines of light were aimed at my body. Parts of the
xray machine moved around me (VERYclose; it was nice that the techs
prepared me for it and told me that nothing would actually hit me).

There were times I wanted to giggle. It's so weird to be flashing so
many people and have them nonchalantly talking about what lateral
angle the machine is set at on this side.

It didn't suck that there was music. Thy must have dialed in my age
because it was Foreigner, and other stuff from my high school days.

At one point I think my doctor was almost dancing. I could sense him
moving off to my left and the techician laughed at him. It was late in
a long day and he was tired and a little loopy.

I am grateful for the care I have received. These people all seem so
confident and capable and they also seem to truly enjoy their work. I
am fortunate to be able to pay for it, more or less. My insurance
isn't perfect but I have some at least.

In about seven weeks I can try to reclaim my own schedule. For now I
have to go here, go there, when my appointments dictate.

And lastly, I am FREEZING. We are having un-springlike weather and I
hate it. Boo!

Yes

As a matter of fact I DID buy them because the box is cute. And they
were cheaper than the grape tomatoes right next to them.

The farmer's market starts this week, which will mean real fresh
mozzarella, and I'm just saying, STRAWBERRIES, people. I have biscuit
mix. Yessss I do.

Bring on da funk

I'm a little worried about NOT being able to use real deodorant for
the next two months. I mean, really. A salt rock? Oy.

But radiation is all about skin care and not using things that will
worsen the downside of using technology to prevent those nasty little
tumors from coming back. So pure Ivory it is, and I will get me some
all natural aloe vera gel later today.

As it turns out, I will even have some side effects high up on my back
upper right shoulder because of the field of treament. (Hearing the
nurse more or less say "the radiation will go right through here" and
tap that area was FUN.)

After my initial surgery, both of my underarms had incisions for lymph
node biopsies, because I had a tumor in each breast. I was grossed
out by myself until Suzy suggested putting dab of fragranced deodorant
between my shoulder and collarbone... Kind of a vapor screen, if you
will. She also swore that I didn't stink. What an awesome sister.

So, hopefully people will not quietly inch away from me during the
next two months. (We won't even get into the advice about not wearing
a bra, because I don't want your brains to explode.)

It's all pretty amusing if you think about it. Not brains exploding,
but little dot tattoos and rock deodorants and worrying about smelling
bad. Silly, really.

Sunday art

Ok. I'm not kidding myself, these aren't good. Is it a man or a zombie
skull guy? Just roll with it. I have tatoos now, yaknow. I'm not sure
how to even SPELL tattoos properly, or that five dots ACTUALLY count.

But anyway, I bought a little app for the iPhone called Eastern
Drawing and I'm having plenty of fun with it.

You can use ink of whatever color you like, select the opacity and
brush thickness and whatnot, and you can use various paper designs
included, or draw on a solid color, or even a photo from your own
stash on the phone.

Hopefully when I'm feeling better I will not need iPhone apps to
entertain me quite as much.

(I did share Angry Birds with a coworker, as I may have mentioned; he
has now lost countess hours trying to get three stars on every level.
I am happy to PASS every level. )

Apparently

It's national donut day. Or so I heard. All I know is that it's good I
didn't know how good THESE are or I would have had five or ten.

Bummer with chips on top

Tomorrow is the Freihoffer run and I wi clearly NOT be there. It pains
me.

I tried to walk up a hill the other day - I used to run up it and tap
the mailbox at the very last house. The other day I couldn't run up
it; I actually made it to the first house (WALKING was all i could do)
and stopped to rest, and heard my neighbor calling to me, so I walked
back down to her and we walked on flat parts of our neighborhood for
just a few minutes.

I am frustrated, now that the weather's so nice. Tired of being tired.
Tired of feeling like I dropped out of the planet for a while; wantig
to catch up.

My doctor says I will be anemic for a while; nurses say IN AUGUST I
might have more energy. Nononono! Not the answers I want.

Chemo - done

I cracked up my oncology doctor today by showing him Angry Birds. That
game and Spin Art have kept me entertained through many a sleepless
hour, whether due to surgery, chemo side effects, etc. He said that if
everyone would tolerate chemo as well as I did, he would prescribe
iPhone apps.

I have to wait on one test result to see if tamoxifen is right for me
(some people don't metabolize it well, and there are many different
opinions but HIS is to move on to other treatment that includes
forcing early menopause. So, yay. Suspense. )

Long day

CAT scan today, complete with several sharpie marks so that some
department within my radiation oncologist's office can plan angles and
so on.

It's peculiar to have a stranger putting stickers on your chest (they
show up in the cat scan to mark things like incisions) and then having
said stranger drawing on you. He thought I was kidding when I asked
for a sticker for my scrapbook. Oh well.

Tattoos were part of the package... Five tiny needle pricks with ink
to make small dots of Owwww that all bled. Glad I wore a black t-shirt.

Still anemic, very tired... Napping on my porch.

Dear blog

I'm sorry I ignore you these days, blog. There was the cold I caught
after my last round of chemo that never went away, and the itchy hands
and feet that still come and go.

There was fighting with my temp agency last week to get a paid
holiday, and fighting with the hospital that I did pay a bill in full
because I called and got a prompt payment discount and PAID PROMPTLY,
and mixing up my cat scan appointment with the cardiology one.

Oh, and going to family gatherings which I've avoided for a while,
(and remembering WHY I wanted to avoid them for a while) and trying to
clean out all the STUFF around here in piles, and just making more
piles (anyone want a guitar?) and killing spiders, especially a REALLY
BIG one I tweeted a picture of today.

I walk around the park about 10-15 minutes a day now, and then I lie
down flat from exhaustion and watch tv and speaking of tv, I have
watched the LOST finale twice (crying most over: Claire and Charlie.
And dammit Kate was hot in that dress and heels)

And today I was busy calling the credit card company(not Big Red, my
other one) to beg them not to jack up my rate because I was two hours
late with my online payment (dammit dammit dammit) and finding out
they can't anyway because of the new legislation I missed... Yeehaw.

See? Crazy. All of it. A really, really big spider. You should have
heard my daughter just whimper in terror. The damn thing's body was
the size of a square postage stamp. Black, no color or markings.
Fuzzy. WTF was it???

And I watched Glee for the first time and was all "Meh" and Mr. hated
it but what does he know, he likes Hell's Kitchen. And there's a new
cooking channel, only I can't figure out where it is.

I bought a few plants for my garden and they promptly wilted and
threatened to head for that big garden in a sideways world where I
don't kill plants. But I love walking through a garden store. Or a
kitchen store, or... Hey! Things don't taste like sour milk 24x7
anymore!!!!!!!!!

Umm... That's all I have. It's not you, blogger, it's me. You're five
and a half now, blog, can't I trust you on your own now and then??

Wedding recap

As I mentioned in my last post I was doing some wedding photography to
help Andy out Saturday.

Friday we went to the rehearsal so that we could check out the location.

I noticed a guy with two cameras around his neck and joked to Andy
"he's going to be a problem tomorrow." I figured he was somebody's
uncle. I'm slow, it's chemo fog. I will use that excuse as long as I
can.

Saturday came and I went to the bridal suite to capture the "getting
ready" stage. I was a wreck because the light was horrible. I had
visions of the camera battery dying before the ceremony.

While I was taking a few shots of the bride's dress hanging and the
bouquets and so on, I noticed there was no Bridezilla, but the Mother
of the Bride was IN CHARGE.

Now, we were hired by THE GROOM. So MOTB was terrorizing the
bridesmaids (things like "you realize you're the only one wearing a
necklace, right?" and gnashing her teeth that one flowergirl's mother
had used tiny silk flowers instead of The Headband We Made.)

I was standing next to the bridesmaid who was carefully clenching the
ringbearer pillow because she was TOLD to hang on to it. Then
Mommyzilla took her opening shot at me.

MOTB looke at me and said "at two o'clock 'Frank' will be here. I
hired him to take a portrait of me with my daughters."

I immediately realized that Frank was Uncle Camera Buff and he was a
Pro. Shooting THIS wedding. Ooooops!

More importantly, Mommyzilla wanted to fight. But I put on my best
southern charm face and said, "oh, that's so NICE!"

It was meant as a sweetly phrased eff you that would leave her no next
move since I wasn't arguing with her. It seemed like it worked -
Checkmate!

I have to say, I learned a few things from Frank about how to stage
some of the group shots, and he was very cool about letting me use his
shots. He even came looking for me when they were about to cut the
cake. It was nice of him not to throw me any elbows at all! :)

I could have done without the guy at my table for dinner who noticed
me wilting a little bit (no lunch, bad Carly) and DRUMMED ON THE TABLE
to get my attention when I was resting my temples on my fingers for a
minute. "You look like you're about to fall asleep!" he scolded me.
And then stared at me off and on all through dinner. Eff YOU darlin,
I didn't eat lunch and I have itchy hands and feet from the chemo I
just finished last week and I haven't slept through the night in I
don't know when...

I should have fed him to Momzilla.

Weddiing belles

Had an up and down week. Back to work, then home sick for a day with a
cold that has decided to linger.

Today I am a wedding photographer. Drew is taking pictures at a
friend's wedding and he rented a camera so that I could tag along - a
Canon digital rebel. Sweet! He assinged me to take pictures of the
bride before the wedding. Good thing it was me because she was pretty
much naked when I walked in. Awkward!

Little things

I have a thin white line near the moon on each nail, for each of my
first three rounds of chemo. Like rings in the trunk of a tree. I'm
sure eventually the fourth will appear. They're splitting and peeling
and it's fun, really. I put layer after layer of nail polish on them
to hold them together, but I usually have nail polish on anyway so
that's not too bad.

Today I went to church. Climbing the stairs to the loft left me
winded. I'm a little anemic and that gives me the endurance of your
great grandmother. I sat through most of the songs - it was "sing OR
stand". But that's ok too.

This afternoon I potted some plants to hang out on my deck. I also
hung my dragonfly lights. (five strands, one extension cord, and chemo
brain. Yeah, just TRY to do it like I did last year!!!) I had to sit
down many many times... Using a stepladder didn't help... But it is a
gorgeous afternoon and I'm so happy not to be sick in bed.

Yay spring! Bring on summer!!

New start

I'm sitting on my porch in the sunshine happy to be feeling "ok".
These are tiny pine trees I am trying to grow from seed. We'll see how
that goes....I not the best gardener.

Forced myself to eat, dragged myself from bench to bench in the park
where I used to run (will start again as energy permits while I get
radiation). Feeling a wee bit better hour by hour.

Now I am trying to figure out where to start "spring cleaning from
hell"... My house is kind of a disaster.

I guess I will FlyLady it. If you've never heard of her, Marla's
philosophy is that if your house is a trainwreck it didn't get messed
up in one day and you can't fix it in one day... So working toward
simple routines, plus fifteen minutes a day of chipping away at your
clutter, is the basic approach and that seems doable now. I don't do
things exactly like her - Drill Sargent Carly is about to return
because no one did ANY housework this morning and why should I do it
all?
.

It's on

So recovering from this round of chemo is not any easier than it was
for the others of course, and I am pissed. Look at this bruise! That's
where the iv was. Nice huh? Geez.

Please pardon me while I have a little pity party ...

I am aggravated that my stomach is feeling worse today, it's very
sluggish and that's painful and so I don't WANT TO EAT - And I have to
eat or I won't feel better and I will lose a bunch of weight again and
feel even worse. Right? Irony. It's what I'm choking on. I just forced
down some food... I look forward to enjoying eating again. In a week
or two... :::Bronx cheer:::

Oh, and I might be getting a sinus infection. (insert a few more rude
words). And/ or the mouth infection is returning too!! Wheeeeee!

I am so OVER this whole sitting around feeling crummy and not doing
anything...

I am on my porch trying to rest and get fresh air. I am SO BORED WITH
MYSELF. I don't want to read or watch tv or do anything - not that I
have the energy to lift anything other than this phone. I would love
to go for a walk but really don't want to make a fool of myself
passing out because I'm so weak. :::: cue mini temper tantrum::::

Dear CarlyShell: get with it. Work with me. Seriously. Enough. We got
off easy, let's move forward. I want to be done here.

Self portraits

I finished my last round of chemo this week. The nurses gave me a certificate, (which I don't know how I feel about really - frame it? not so much...) , and blew bubbles at me, and sang a cute song that made me smile, and I avoided the ritual of hitting the gong that is right outside the door and sounds like a death knell to me. The idea of the gong is that when your chemo treatments are done you strike it once for each round you endured but the whole thing made me wildly uncomfortable and fortunately for me it didn't come up. I slipped out with my friend and walked right by it.

I have been unloading today emotionally, it has been ranging between weepy sobs of relief that it's done and anger at having to do it all and a small burst of cleaning fueled by the frustration with everything in my life that's been on hold this year. Very small bursts.

I also pulled a bunch of pictures off of my phone today. I take pictures of myself often. It's been a way to cope with the changes and to try to get used to how I look now, and a tiny way of still photographing regularly even when I don't feel like myself. Also, when I feel wretched, I force myself to smile, and I take a picture, and I send it to someone, to try to convince them or maybe just myself that I'm all fine and hunky dory, thank you very much. Fake it till you make it, has more or less been my approach.

Some of the pictures are on flickr... and this is a peek at the set, but there are comments for many of the pictures explaining what was going on each day.

Get ready now

Haven't updated in a week; busy with things for the kids and cooking for school and singing for first communion (dear parents... when Stanley starts to play, please Shut TF up. You are in church, it sounded like Grand Central Station. Shut. Up.)

Tomorrow is HOPEFULLY my last chemo day. I woke up yesterday with a cold and was in tears thinking, this will really fuck up my medical schedule for the week.

I am now thinking it's just allergies, because I still don't have a fever or genuine cough. It is still just some mild sniffles, and Poly was right - Dr. said it's ok to go forward with tomorrow's poison, um, chemo.

He cautioned me that I'm not done yet (ie take my meds and make sure I don't lose too much weight in this round and more or less do what I have been doing and not get overconfident or careless...it reminded me of the Wallenda who fell off a tightrope in Puerto Rico and probably died thinking he had made it... sorry to be dark and all.. ) but in general he was very upbeat about "getting you out of here..."

I am a big fan of Dancing with the Stars, although I think Derek isn't really all that and Edyta should have multiple ugly mirror balls (UMB). But I digress. This season -- for me-- has been about watching the dancers get tapped off the floor one by one; they have been my mile markers. The fewer sequins shaking around, the closer I am to being finished. Tonight we are down to five couples. By the time this year's winner lifts up that UMB I hope to be feeling somewhat better from this final round. By the time LOST does their 80 hour finale, I hope to be feeling "good".

I am pulling myself through this, hand over hand on a really coarse rope, with the support of many many friends on Facebook, Twitter, here, etc.. (I got an email with awesome picture of the Diva, which diverted me from the road I was on (heading due South toward Being an Ugly Cranky Beast all day) yesterday... if you don't know who Grace is, check out "Have you met me" on my sidebar...)

I am honestly not sure I feel about the gong; I heard someone hit it today and the sound goes all through the entire set of offices. I do not want to collapse in a weepy puddle on the floor next to the gong. I am a "hold it all together" while the crisis is going on sort of girl and don't really know how I will handle being able to exhale and not have to worry anymore about the chemo killing me in mid-IV bag. So I don't know. We shall see.

In the meantime I need to leave now to go to the orthodontist and a baseball game and try to get HOME for DWTS. Later, kids!

Other plans

Arrgh. Lost my post trying to mail this from the Hipstamatic app.

Went to work, brought my lunch, had my Starbucks, had my act together.

There were almost no cars in the parkig lot. Also a few pockets of
people standing around but no one I knew and not enough for a fire
drill.

I walked in and a wave of heat hit me. It was 94 in the test lab.
Schneikies.

Talked to my boss for 5 minutes about what to work on from home this
afternoon while my wig melted and fused to my scalp. Egads happy to
leave.

On the way home I stopped to get some pots for a couple of seedling
and I got these for my deck. Just a couple of random things to mix
height and colors There's a Lilly in the back that i cut back so it
might bloom again this fall.

Now I am sitting on my porch enjoying a light rain and waiting for the
thunder to move in. ::::happy:::::

(Hipstamatic app for iPhone...it can even fake a flash on a cloudy
day... It was starting to rain when I took this photo.... )

Such a Monday

But who can complain when I have awesome friends stepping up to
support me all along the way?

Thanks Andy! :)

Jenaissance

Wander on over to my sidebar, dear readers (all 17.5 of you per day... wooot!) and visit my dear friend Jen's etsy store for lovely vintage inspired jewelry... I want one of each... Carly has no dollars...