The space that you used to occupy in my life is now filled with sadness.
For several days at a stretch now, I go along and think "well, maybe I'm ok now". Then a simple phrase of a song will make me cry, sometimes even sob, as I drive down the highway.
I have a deal with myself, for those mornings. When I see the tallest building in the city, I have to stop crying. Or I will get to work, and people will be able to tell that I was crying. There are a few people there (not many) who would ask, "Why?" and I wouldn't be able to answer. You can't consolidate so many feelings into a simple sentence.
Time's relentless march forward is an unavoidable truth that I have yet to make peace with. I struggle with death and loss, even while I look with a wary eye to the year ahead and wonder who fate will steal away from me next.
I have been aimlessly shuffling around "new year's resolutions" in my mind, searching for a neat list to encapsulate that I want to set goals and make plans and be fabulous. And happy.
That bullshit is all just a coat of paint over the top of the truth - I want to stop feeling angry about so many of life's little realities, and stop second guessing myself and stop doing things that I don't want to do. I want to find the peace of mind that seems to come far more easily to those around me. I need to find a new oasis, a place where I can go to recharge myself, physically and mentally.
(Go here and here for the roots this post...)
For several days at a stretch now, I go along and think "well, maybe I'm ok now". Then a simple phrase of a song will make me cry, sometimes even sob, as I drive down the highway.
I have a deal with myself, for those mornings. When I see the tallest building in the city, I have to stop crying. Or I will get to work, and people will be able to tell that I was crying. There are a few people there (not many) who would ask, "Why?" and I wouldn't be able to answer. You can't consolidate so many feelings into a simple sentence.
Time's relentless march forward is an unavoidable truth that I have yet to make peace with. I struggle with death and loss, even while I look with a wary eye to the year ahead and wonder who fate will steal away from me next.
I have been aimlessly shuffling around "new year's resolutions" in my mind, searching for a neat list to encapsulate that I want to set goals and make plans and be fabulous. And happy.
That bullshit is all just a coat of paint over the top of the truth - I want to stop feeling angry about so many of life's little realities, and stop second guessing myself and stop doing things that I don't want to do. I want to find the peace of mind that seems to come far more easily to those around me. I need to find a new oasis, a place where I can go to recharge myself, physically and mentally.
(Go here and here for the roots this post...)
2 comments:
I love your photo.
((hugs))
Now that took courage ... (((Carly)))
"You can't consolidate so many feelings into a simple sentence." There are all those fibers that seem to be tangled together. Where does one begin a sentence?
Jen Lee's post is a timely one that causes introspection. The truth is the 800 lb gorilla in the room or elephant in the room that, for me anyway, I just keep trying to maneuver around. Somehow either the room is getting smaller or the animal is growing.
An oasis sounds good. A warm one would be preferable :-) But seriously though, you don't have to go far. You just have to ... go
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